Page 57 of Catnapped

“Wait. Why are the forces of heaven and hell combining? What the hell memo did I miss?”

“We strongly oppose an unscheduled End of Days,” Gabriel announced. “We’re using you to prevent it. They prepare for war. Right now, it’s a war we cannot wage. But there’s nothing in the rules stating we can’t send in a provoked agent who neither truly allies with the heavens or the many hells to do our dirty work for us. And by stealing your cat, they provoked you. Those conditions are met. Darian is considered to be an ally of both the heavens and the many hells due to his heritage. You have no such restrictions. You would deny Him and my brother your soul, and as such, you fall outside of our rules. In this war, you are a free agent—and us giving you the tools and the ability to handle the problem doesn’t break those rules.”

“That seems questionable at best.”

Both the archangel and the Devil shrugged.

“What rule are these people breaking?”

Gabriel picked up the vial containing the lycanthropy virus, turning it. Through the ever-weakening shroud, I could make out the shape of his head tilting. “They wish to become God and control mankind—and He revoked His ability to control mankind through gifting them with free will. Should they succeed, the End of Days will begin, for the universe itself opposes such things, especially now that most beings are free willed.”

I averted my eyes and realized why they’d moved their plans forward. Given a little more, and the shroud would hide no secrets at all. “Lucifer isn’t changing his form much, is he?”

“I’m not,” the Devil confirmed. “This is my devilish form, shrouded enough you won’t see what you’re not ready to handle. My angelic form is that of a dark-winged angel. And we aren’t headless beings at all.”

“You just sacrifice what you are for the sake of the mortals you encounter. You’re not all the same, are you?”

“We have slight variations, but we are what humans could only be if it were not for their sin—which is what makes them human and made them human from the very beginning. My angelic form is a little more complete compared to my brothers.”

I could make a guess. “You have a dick to go along with your nipples.”

The Devil snickered. “How crude, but yes. Among other things. Angels do not need reproductive organs to reproduce. When they join a triad, their unconditional love for human and devil or demon is what transfers the angel’s life force into the triad’s coupling. It’s complicated. But the triad cannot have children unless all three of them are in sync in that regard. Amusingly, Raguel believed Belial would be the problematic part of their triad. It did not take long for Darian’s mother to become pregnant with him. Belial is among my favorite of my devils. But it takes a keen understanding of love and everything it entails to thoroughly bring about ruin. I tempered Belial, and I have been waiting a long time for him to become entrapped by a mortal. Darian’s mother complements him perfectly. Raguel is one of my more annoying brothers, but he fits well with them, too. They’ll be delighted when they hear I’ve entrapped their little innocent boy.” Still snickering, Lucifer took the vial from Gabriel and began the tedious process of packing everything away. “I think I’ll handle taking this to the CDC. I will also make certain they understand you will be tendering a resignation due to circumstances, mostly involving your new status as a hybrid devil-demoness with a hefty adaptation period ahead of you. I’ll even be considerate and permit them to observe you from a distance while you play warrior queen.”

Me? A warrior queen? “Have you been taking drugs, Lucifer?”

Gabriel snickered. “He is not partaking of any drugs. He just knows precisely what he will make you, and there is only one thing for you to become, and that is a queen over your domain. As you will be put in a position where you will want to fight, you will be a warrior queen. Now, I recommend you leave everything you don’t want to be destroyed here in Darian’s care. Write him a note asking to tend to everything. That will drive him a little crazier than he will already become when he gets Lucifer’s note, which claims you are being held hostage.”

“Why are you telling Darian you’re holding me hostage, Lucifer?”

“Simple. I want him to show you how far he’ll go to be able to stake some claims. That boy loves his family, make no mistake about that, but he has never truly committed to someone outside of his family unit as anything beyond passing friendships, and it’s time he learned how to do so. I’m just using you to give him a slight attitude adjustment. Don’t forget, Diana. I am an asshole. I’m the king over all other assholes, although I am second only to my heavenly asshole of a father.”

I’d been exposed to Lucifer and his family enough to recognize the only reason He and the Devil didn’t fawn all over each other was because of circumstance and general stupidity. And possibly their gender. “You two are so disgustingly male,” I complained. “Just invite Him to a private family dinner and get your hugs so you stop annoying everybody else. Please.”

Gabriel giggled, and he turned away, the shroud flickering and thinning.

I focused my gaze on the floor. “I think I’m just either going to keep my eyes closed or not look at anyone for a while.”

“That would be wise. I turned for that reason. Lucifer, you will want to tread with care, caution, and haste. The combination of holy fire, devilish energy, and the blank virus are strengthening her other natural abilities.”

“We’ll go the blindfold route so there are no accidents. Close your eyes, Diana. Your time to shine has come, and I will give you sufficient prey to hunt. And while you hunt, I will retrieve your cat and prepare him for the reality of living with you. It would not do for your beloved pet to fear you.”

I closed my eyes. “How long would it have taken for me to break through the shroud if it hadn’t been for the cancer?”

Gabriel chuckled, and his voice drew close. A moment later, a soft cloth touched my face and wrapped around my head. “The next time you had attempted a summoning of any sort, you would have pierced the shroud. Before your cat was stolen, you were already progressing to pierce through the shrouds. You would have been eradicated during a meeting with my brother in the other futures. It would have been unexpected. My brother noticed your problems with the shrouds because your cat was stolen. As such, in a way, these thieves saved your life. You should repay them with a merciful death.”

“That’s one hell of a repayment. Why is giving them a merciful death a repayment?” I blurted.

“Because if they so much as scratch you, my brother will turn their deaths into a masterpiece, one that will strike fear into humanity for years.”

According to Lucifer’s grunt, Gabriel had spoken nothing but the truth. “So, you’re saying I’ve really made a mess of things. I mean, I’d figured that out. But it was even worse than I thought. Also, me falling over dead would have been a spectacular interruption to a business meeting.”

“And my brother would have been distraught, and He would have been brought into it, as my brother would want to recapture your seed and bring you back into the world immediately to begin cultivating you again. I’ve been told finding a pair of adults who would raise you in a similar way would be difficult at best.”

“Well, I’d certainly hope so. I do the bare minimum requirements when it comes to being grateful to my parents for getting me to adulthood somewhat intact. I will even protest somewhat so you can act like you actually participated in a kidnapping, Gabriel. I’m already blindfolded, so it’s not a stretch. You seem like you could use some fun.”

“Why are you worried about us having fun when we are worried about accidentally erasing you from existence?”

“I’m not worried about being erased from existence,” I replied. “I’m more worried about being ‘accidentally’ adopted, as Kanika gets very upset with her father over many things for some reason. Lucifer, you are that reason, as I have heard from Kanika, repeatedly, how much she adores her mother. It’s her father driving her insane.”