Page 58 of Catnapped

Lucifer chuckled. “I adore my little cupcake. And you’re going to be my little cookie. I haven’t decided what I’m calling Darian yet. Malcolm is a little shy still, so I’m going to have to ease him into it, but he’s my little saltwater toffee.”

The Devil needed some time with a good therapist, and He needed to be sat down and scolded for having evicted a ridiculous sweet yet naughty being to rule over the hells. “Can we negotiate? I’d rather be a candy cane. I will join forces with Darlene if you try to call me a tart.”

“My little candy cane is a little weird, but I’m open to negotiations on this matter. Honestly, little has the same ring as cupcake, but I’ll cope. Somehow.” Lucifer took hold of my elbow. “I will write your note for Darian on your behalf, and I’ll be a gentleman and explain the shrouds were dropping. The goal is to get him to chase you, not to make him completely panic. He needs to progress more before I test how well he panics when you get into trouble. Also, I will permit you to attempt to summon me once and only once. The second time you try it, you’ll be put in time out for a while to think about what you’ve done—and yes, you will be summoning me without my consent, as I strongly dislike doing things other people tell me. Just ask Darlene.”

“I don’t have to ask Darlene, Lucy. I already know. Anyone who knows Darlene already knows.”

“Every time I think I couldn’t possibly love my wife any more than I do, Diana opens her mouth and proves me wrong. I have the best wife, Gabriel. You need to find yourself a best wife, too. They’re so much fun.”

“I have seen your wife, Lucifer. She is nothing but trouble. I love her, but she was born trouble, and she will remain trouble until the End of Days. I do not need relentless trouble until the End of Days,” the archangel replied.

“He probably needs a calming wife who has a high tolerance for bullshit, Lucifer. If you want Gabriel to have a wife or a husband, you need to think about it from his perspective. His partner needs to be someone who has an unfathomable amount of patience and a high tolerance for idiocy without scruples regarding devils or demons to go along with a tolerance for headless beings.” I reached over and patted Lucifer’s hand, which kept a firm grip on my elbow. “We can discuss matchmaking for your brother at a later time. I’ll even test out a summoning circle for him and see if the trick Darian’s mother used will work on him.”

Lucifer laughed. “Don’t stress yourself over it, Diana. Gabriel loves being an uncle, although he finds his uncle duties a little more stressful than he likes right now.”

“He speaks the truth,” Gabriel informed me in a solemn tone. “Try not to destroy the entire world during your upcoming rampage, Diana. But do feel free to destroy the spot we leave you at. It is contaminated, and we do not appreciate its existence.”

Fourteen

Angelic blood tasted oddly sweet.

The next time the Devil offered to teleport me somewhere, I’d decline. After suffering through the equivalent of a punch to the gut, something I didn’t remember from our first trip to the hotel, Lucifer dropped me to the ground, pinned me, and shoved a bloody finger into my mouth. I could only hope it was his finger. Having someone else’s finger, likely severed, shoved into my mouth would cap an already bad week.

“While effective, that is a pretty rude way to go about it,” Gabriel commented, his tone implying the struggle interested him. “I find it interesting she is not putting up more of a fight. You should fight him more, Diana. Make him earn his latest conquest. I fail to see why you are shoving your finger halfway down her throat, however.”

Well, if the archangel thought I should put up a fight, I’d make Lucifer regret putting his fingers anywhere near my mouth. I bit as hard as I could, as I doubted I could do more than wiggle in the Devil’s hold.

“Thank you for encouraging her to bite,” Lucifer replied in a strained voice. “I’m doing it this way because it’s faster, and when the conversion takes hold, she’ll be equally devilish in nature. This isn’t exactly a precise art, and corrupting a seed is not as easy as it looks. You could help, instead of standing there grinning at me like an idiot. And don’t forget the goal is to make her a hybrid. That works best for what I have in mind for her. Give me a break. I’m creating a species and a new seed type here.”

“He finds you amusing, in case you were not aware.” A strong hand seized the back of my neck, and Gabriel chuckled. “As He has as much of an interest in this plan of yours as you do, I would be glad to offer assistance. What do you think about an infusion of angelic blood to smooth the process?”

“What’s soothing about your blood?”

“I said smooth, not soothe. It will streamline your efforts. She will not appreciate the infusion.”

Damn, and I’d thought the Devil ruled over all other assholes, but Gabriel was nipping right at his heels. I struggled to spit Lucifer’s finger out of my mouth, but he refused to budge. I opened my mouth to bite, and the bastard freed himself. I snapped my teeth in frustration and got a hold of the archangel’s finger instead, biting hard enough to draw blood.

Angelic blood tasted oddly sweet to go along with somewhat metallic.

“I do love when the victims of our games play along. Also, she has quite the temper.”

“It’s my blood,” Lucifer announced with pride in his voice. “It brings out all those little gems she’s kept buried in a futile attempt to please everyone around her. She’ll still want to please everyone around her when I’m done, as I can’t remove that part of her personality without destroying everything that makes her who she is, but she will be more inclined to do things solely for herself moving forward.”

“I am thinking I will owe her many presents for Christmas this year after the next few hours we will put her through.”

“We will stop in on her family for their Christmas celebration, and I am thinking I will bring my nephew and his charming wife along with my little cupcake and her little saltwater toffee. A sphinx, two cranky unicorns, my little candy cane here, and her beau will be quite the disruption. Perhaps you should bring Michael along.”

“It would be rude to exclude Raguel and his husband and wife.”

“If we can lure the wife off, I will ask Belial to make use of his original form. I would rather not scar his wife for life.”

“She summoned him in his original form. She knows about the crushed tentacled tomato with a face.”

Crushed tentacled tomato with a face? “Say what?” I asked around Gabriel’s finger.

“I was still learning how to create devils when I cultivated Belial. His original form is quite horrific. But he is among the best of my shapeshifters as a result. Honestly, he’s so bad I think about throwing up when he shows up. My darling is not happy with me that my best and most loyal general can give her nightmares on a bad day.” The Devil grabbed hold of my head and made sure I couldn’t escape. “Make sure she swallows more than she spits. She’s stubborn, so she’ll probably need more than we appreciate. While you’re trying to stick your finger down her throat, check on the cancer.”

“It has not revitalized itself, and she has been assimilating the holy fire better than expected. I believe she was utilizing it when she was in the lab, as there is evidence of diminishment beyond expectation. Will you want another infusion for this?”