Page 67 of Catnapped

“He can’t even summon an earthworm from a jar right in front of him,” Belial replied, his tone a blend of disgusted and amused. “I’m questioning how it’s possible for someone of his superior genetics to be so useless at summoning magic. He even brought every scrap of your clothing and hair he could get his hands on. His mother is highly amused by the amount of lingerie he has brought over in an effort to give him some ability to draw a proper summoning circle.”

It amused me someone who could, with the right tools, locate something, couldn’t handle a summoning circle. Then it clicked.

He couldn’t find people when wayfinding, either.

“His magic is the wrong type,” I announced. “Consider his wayfinding. He finds places, not people. He finds things, not people. He has to make use of trickery to be able to use an object to find where a person might be. Summoning is all about people. His magic is attuned to things. It’s like telling a fish he should grow wings and fly, Belial. There are some things I’m just better at when working practitioner magic, and summoning happens to be my expertise.”

“I don’t mind if you decide to summon my boy to the depths of hell and have your way with him. I can pilfer his favorite tie when you’re ready to lure him to your lair.”

“I don’t have a lair.”

“Yet. Once Lucifer finishes feeding his wife, I’m sure he’ll be working on that project. Lucifer is not a reasonable being.”

No, he wasn’t. “Were you expecting Darian to be better at summoning rings?”

Belial heaved a sigh. “I even got him everything he needed to snare a nightmare. His other father did the crafting work, too. You even have a saddle. Lucifer provided the appropriate measurements.”

“Doesn’t it take more than a few hours to make a saddle?”

“You assume we started making your bridle and saddle upon your conversion. Lucifer gave us the measurements shortly after you called him about the theft of your cat. A little magic, and it’s possible to make a saddle and bridle in such a short period of time. And they’d need a great deal of magic to survive, anyway. So, my horrified son is trying to convince us he couldn’t possibly ride you.”

I whinnied a laugh. “I’m definitely saddling and riding him.”

“I had the foresight to warn him he’d be ridden in more ways than one, and that he’d have matching tack. That gave him pause. I feel I have failed my son in so many ways.” Belial strolled to the other fish tanks and gestured to one of the occupants, a brightly colored fish swimming among some coral. “This is Alloces. He goaded Lucifer into revealing his true form to kill Darlene. He serves as an example for those who would try to hurt her. He’s now one of Darlene’s trophies. He was supposed to go to the dungeons to be used as a training tool, but Darlene becomes quite possessive over her fish, and she likes his colors. She invites devils and demons who have earned her favor to feed him. Let’s just say she didn’t need a whole lot of training in the dungeon.” Belial gestured to the fish decorating one wall. “Those are the mortal fish, and Darlene has come to terms they’ll live out their regular lifespans, and Lucifer does his best to ignore when she cries when one of her fish dies.”

Darlene amazed me. “I thought they had a bunch of immortal fish.”

“They do.” Belial pointed across the room to another set of aquariums stacked from floor to ceiling. “Lucifer monitors the fish she loves above all others, and they are converted and moved to this side of the room. Deeper inside are their conservation efforts.”

“Conservation efforts?”

“Darlene hates when humans make animals go extinct. We’ll be descending into a different layer, as some of the animals needed a great deal more space than the house and this layer can provide. Come along.” Belial strode across the room, and I followed him. The next rooms contained more fish, and some were devils or demons who needed an attitude adjustment. A staircase led down. “If the species is in true danger of going extinct, you’ll find at least two of them here. Lucifer has his demons and devils go on hunts for poachers, so they kill the poacher and claim the animal that would have otherwise died. If a female and with young, the young come as well, as they are assumed to be in a situation where they would perish. That way, humanity doesn’t realize where the animals are going—and there are better places for them.”

“Like here? But we’re in hell, Belial.”

“And for beings like us, hell is our paradise. It just worked out where Lucifer has dedicated this layer—a sublayer, really—to animal preservation. It makes an excellent punishment tool for abusers. They’re forced to properly care for and be subservient to the animals—and their every action is monitored. Lucifer makes a point of issuing a rather brutal punishment and warning the assholes in residence the next punishment will be far worse. It works rather well. The souls aren’t really capable of defying Lucifer in his domain anyway, but it helps with the rehabilitation.”

We descended, and after at least several hundred feet, the stairwell opened to a bright blue sky with clouds, with the steps curving to form a spiral staircase until we reached the bottom.

Navigating a spiral staircase with hooves took work, but it was spacious enough I managed with minimal worry, although it amused me Belial stayed close and in front of me, likely to stop me from breaking my neck if I fell.

“It should come as no surprise Darlene spends a lot of time down here. There’s an entire section dedicated to prey animals she can hunt as a snow leopard. Common species or transformed devils and demons, of course. She usually preys on naughty devils and demons, as they’re more of a challenge for her than mundane animals. She’ll catch one of the mundanes to eat if she’s of a mind. She has not yet figured out that Lucifer imbues them with his energy so she can feed if he’s unavailable.”

Ah-ha, mystery solved. “I was wondering how she could go for so long without feeding. She’s told me there are times she’s gone a month or two without feeding. But if she’s hunting down here, he is feeding her.”

“Lucifer is sly. Darlene forgets how far her husband will go to protect her and make her happy. Don’t remind her, please. She gets upset, and when she gets upset, exactly nobody is happy. You’ll get used to that. Part of your job will involve managing Darlene as much as you’ll manage Lucifer. You’re one of the few beings Darlene doesn’t mind being near Lucifer. For whatever reason, she never perceived you as a threat. That’s quite rare when it comes to other females.”

“It probably has to do with my utter lack of interest in Lucifer as a partner. I mean, he’s the Devil. I’m sure he’s great in bed, but he’s not my type.”

“Darian is.”

Right. I talked to one of Darian’s fathers, a devil who supported the campaign for me to drag Darian off into some lair. “That is a rather accurate statement, yes. You produced a very fine son. What sort of lair would be appropriate to drag him off to? Darlene probably doesn’t view me as a threat to Lucifer because I’m that useless around men.”

“You’re not useless. You’re focused, and until my son caught your eye, you did not feel you were in a position to invest your precious time in a man who may or may not stick around. My son is flexible enough to handle the inflexibility of your critical work—and he will teach you how to be more flexible about the work you can be flexible about. You’ll be equals on the financial front as well. My son cannot tolerate becoming bored, so he’ll pursue his leads when you can’t be stolen away from Lucifer. And don’t get me wrong, he will steal you away whenever possible. That will be good for you. If you overly resist being stolen, I will help my son acquire you for his nefarious purposes. As you’ve made a point of informing everyone you’re helpless, you will be helped.”

As I had no eyebrows to raise at Belial, I stared at him.

“I’m a devil, not a monster. I mean, I can be a monster as needed, but in this instance, I’m a twisted angel on mission of mercy. It’s painful watching you and my son flail. You both want the same thing, and I seem to have failed in my parental duties to help him be able to acquire a meaningful relationship with a woman. We won’t discuss your parents.”