Page 69 of Catnapped

“The archangel is trying to help his mother teach him how to summon you. He is holding your new halter. It’s rather lovely. He decided to add a halter to your equine apparel. You also have full parade gear now, and if you have to venture into one of the levels with a lot of pests, he made an ear bonnet and face mask for you. Really, he went overboard with his efforts to dress you up. The last time I bothered checking, he had fashioned three saddles of different colors. He has one specifically for Lucifer’s use, as I expect you’ll be requested as a mount every rare now and again.”

I considered that, pricking my ears forward. “He does not usually indulge in theatrics like that. Why me and not Malcolm?”

“Your holy fire and hellfire have something to do with that. That, plus Lucifer expects Kanika to ride Malcolm. That plan isn’t going over all that well right now. Kanika gets flustered trying to saddle him, even when he’s standing there waiting patiently for her to get a move on already. Life in the manor can become very entertaining when his heir is in residence. Perhaps if you saddle him and learn to ride using him, you’ll help Lucifer accomplish his goals.”

“If Lucifer will be riding me, who will Darlene ride?”

“Likely Darian, once you finish converting him. My son is a lot of things, but he’ll do well as a guardian. You’ll learn this on your own soon enough, but Lucifer always plays the long game, and I’m willing to bet he is after Darian as much as he’s after you. Bundling you together just means he gets what he wants more efficiently, and you’ll have a good working relationship. Of course, it’ll backfire because he will have to compete with your amorous stallion, and he’ll lose more often than he wins, but some sacrifices he’s willing to make for the main goal.”

I snorted. “Lucifer is a pain in my ass!”

“He’ll be more of a pain on your back, but you’ll get over it, I’m sure. If you’re with Lucifer, my son will stick close to you, which means Darlene won’t stray. Really, Lucifer’s whole ploy is to make certain that Darlene stays close in less-than-ideal circumstances. And as holy fire can heal, he knows you or Darian can take care of her.”

The Devil would drive me insane sooner than later, and I suspected the sooner would be within a few days at most. “Please just take me to your son, Belial.”

The devilish general laughed, placed his hand on my shoulder, and the world dissolved into darkness.

Before I had a chance to do more than blink and shake my head to clear it, Mr. Flooferson the Magnificent plowed into my legs and purred. He marked his territory with his face, and I lowered my head to nuzzle my cat. His time in captivity hadn’t done him any harm, with his coat as soft and plush as I remembered. Belial crouched beside me and gave my cat a scratch behind his ears, which was accepted with more purring.

“This is my home, and my wife has dragged our son to the basement to use her lab. I believe she hopes that a more elaborate workspace will help. She is wrong. I love my wife dearly, but she is sometimes blind and delusional when it comes to our child. He’s hopeless, but I love him anyway.”

Raguel appeared, earning a hiss from Mr. Flooferson, who crowded closer to my legs. “I would say welcome to hell, but you were just there, and I am not sure which is worse right now,” the archangel complained. “Thank you for coming. My wife’s limited patience has completely frayed, and our son grows ever more frustrated. It was amusing for the first few hours, but the longer this goes on, the more absurd your fate becomes. He’s convinced himself you are a man-hunting succubus at this point, and he wants to be the man you hunt. He has already begun strategizing how to keep a succubus loyal. I am not certain what he will concoct next, but I wish to avoid such things.”

I kept nuzzling my cat, who pawed at my mane. “He recognizes me.”

“You smell almost the same, and we helped him understand you would have new forms. He was well cared for while you searched for him, and beyond being upset about having his temperature taken and a single blood sample, he was not treated poorly. The blood sample was what they truly needed, which they acquired. Had they just taken the blood sample, they would have not brought ruin upon themselves. The compulsion Lucifer placed helped with that. He was given a large pen to play in, toys, and attention, and while he was frightened of some portions of his captivity, Lucifer helped make certain he understood his confinement would be temporary. The worst part for him was being abandoned outdoors. He is not fond of large, open spaces, but Lucifer recovered him quickly and put him in an environment he preferred. My son dotes heavily on your feline, so it is a good thing you are taking both home with you. Take my child. I no longer want him except for major holidays and occasional visits.”

My poor cat. Another day, I might have felt a little sorry for Darian, who faced parental abandonment in a loving fashion. “You’re the best kitty,” I cooed to him. “And you’re going to have a girlfriend and a little daughter to dote on soon, too. I hope you like other cats.”

“He will appreciate companionship, especially when you must work,” Raguel assured me. “Now, as for the matter of my son.”

“If I had a lair, I’d drag him to it, but I haven’t gotten to having a lair yet. Where is he? I’ll bite his clothes and drag him off, but somebody needs to bring my cat. I’ll need someone with hands to direct me to a good location to hold him hostage until I have hands. Also, I’m not leaving without my cat. Or your son. I have hellfire, and I’m not afraid to use it. I have holy fire, too, and I’m also not afraid to use it. I can even use them at the same time.”

“I am aware.” Raguel pointed at an open door behind him. “That leads to the basement. I ask your forgiveness for the theft of your lingerie, which is currently scattered all over the floor. I’m concerned some articles were damaged, but I will see they are replaced as needed. As I am a most loving father, I made a note of which pieces caught my son’s attention the most, and I will share his secrets with you. I have come to understand women enjoy picking the best lingerie as a reward for herself and her partner—and rewarding her partner results in rewards for herself.”

For a being who was supposed to be a shining example of purity, Raguel understood more about having a love life than I did. “Thank you. I am not asking for forgiveness for the theft of your son.”

The archangel laughed. “No forgiveness for that is necessary. In fact, you will be given gifts for taking him. Belial, we should come up with a suitable dowry for him. She’s going to have her hands full with him, and we are the culprits responsible for her current situation.”

“Belial said Lucifer was barring me from shapeshifting because I am a bundle of conflicting energy right now. Is that true?”

“It is true. My son will be very annoyed with this development, as he has a keen interest in pursuing you in your human form, but I intend on giving him some brushes and suggesting he pamper you until it is safe for you to shift back in a day or two. You can take him for rides around Lucifer’s home in the meantime. It will be good for you to learn how to tolerate a rider, and generally, there are only three people you will typically tolerate riding you.”

“Darian, Lucifer, and Darlene?” I guessed. After a moment of thought, I said, “I’d probably tolerate Kanika if Malcolm broke a leg or something.”

“Yes, precisely so. And if Malcolm broke a leg, there is no chance Kanika would leave him behind, so that is not a future I have foreseen. That could change, depending on your actions.”

Whatever. I’d deal with Lucifer, Darlene, and their daughter later. “I don’t have a lair. That will make dragging Darian off difficult. I don’t have a plan, Raguel. I like having a plan, and this is completely unplanned.”

The archangel stroked my nose and gave my brow a brisk rub. “Don’t worry about that. Just take over part of Lucifer’s manor. He won’t mind, and Darlene made him open guest bedrooms. Claim whichever spot you like best. If Darlene hadn’t been attempting to put Lucifer on the couch for a while, she would have showed you where to go. She probably became hungry enough Lucifer needed to feed her.”

“She attacked him. I left him to his fate. He didn’t need any help from me. He seemed quite happy to be attacked.”

“If she showed her wings and spots, my brother will be most pleased.”

“She had her wings out, yes.”

“It is for the best you left my brother to his fate. He will enjoy it fiercely. Belial, do you want to teleport her while I handle the annoying child?”