Page 10 of Client from Hell

“Where you go, chaos follows,” I replied. “I thought I was being somewhat sensible. If I’m not being sensible, blame the drugs. If it’s a drug, I’ve probably taken it lately.”

“That’s not much of an exaggeration.” Lucifer checked the IV stand and the computer attached to it, which automatically distributed some of the drugs. “They have you on some pretty high-grade painkillers, too. If you have dependency issues, I will address them.”

“Well, they weren’t precisely expecting me to survive, so they weren’t all that concerned about dependency issues,” I admitted. “You know it’s bad when they’re whipping out the entire pharmacy when trying to eradicate the cancer, and even then, the only reason it worked is due to the lycanthropy virus. I hope lycanthropy isn’t an issue for whatever it is someone like you needs an intern for.”

Dr. Lakset would pay for not disclosing the Devil was the client. The last thing anyone needed was a client from hell. I had gotten the client from hell. Maybe Lucifer liked lycanthropes for lunch. I could see that as a viable option. As I wouldn’t become a wolf, I likely had some form of exotic flavor.

The Devil shook his head. “I rather like lycanthropes, really—and not for lunch, no matter what you may be thinking. They’re fun, especially when they’re unmated and cranky. I expect you’ll redefine what it means to be cranky, especially as the virus isn’t having to compete with your immune system to replicate. Diana, why don’t you pull out your little toy and see what her levels are at?”

I sat up straighter. “You have a scanner?”

If hanging out with the Devil meant I could indulge in playing with the types of toys the CDC didn’t let most touch, I could cope with having him as a client—or a boss. Whatever. I’d figure out the business relationship after I got to see the fancy scanner I’d only heard about.

Diana set her briefcase down on one of the visitor chairs and pulled out a rectangular device I recognized to be one of the CDC’s fancier meters, which showed up on the news during big events. “It doesn’t get much better than this one, so we’ll be able to get a good look at your condition. Most hospitals don’t even have access to these puppies. I received it as compensation for putting up with His Sulfurous Majesty over there. If he’s wise, when this one is no longer effective, he will replace it with the current best-in-line. I get to use it a lot more often than I expected, too.”

“Diana really likes her scanner. She did not get to study science sufficiently as a child, and she tries to make up for this as an adult. Last week, she learned the scanner also has access to educational videos and recordings on every test result. I was concerned I’d lose her to her toy for a few hours there, but I learned how to turn that feature off, so I only let her play with it when it’s needed.”

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Diana muttered under her breath, although she would need to work harder at not being heard—unless she could shield her thoughts.

“She can’t,” Lucifer confirmed. “It’s delightful.”

“It really isn’t.” Diana grabbed one of the free chairs, pulled it to my bedside, and sat. “First, you don’t have to worry about your virus with any one of us. We can’t catch it from you. The only person in our close circles at any risk of contracting the virus is Darlene’s brother, and he has the ability to purge the virus at his whim. He’s an incubus.”

“A single incubus, available for your enjoyment if you would like to take him home with you,” Darlene announced.

Lucifer lifted a hand and rubbed at his temple, the gesture so human I stared at him at a loss. “My darling, why are you throwing your brother at my intern?”

“She’s adorable, she’s spunky, and she’s tolerating you so well I feel she might be able to handle Jonas at his worst. He’s always at his worst. The last succubus you gave him left him to work a brothel. He’s whining. A new lycanthrope isn’t going to leave my brother to go work a brothel. He was taking good care of her! She had no reason to leave, damn it.”

“She’s a succubus, my darling. Perhaps I was a little hasty in making certain I flipped certain switches in his DNA, but he was supposed to feed her until she recovered, not keep her permanently.”

“Well, give him one of your unicorns, then. I’m tired of the fucking whining.”

“Sandra, any seductions of available men, devils, or demons in my many hells is entirely optional. Don’t listen to my wife. You do not need to attach yourself to her brother unless you want to.”

Darlene hissed at the Devil, and her ears turned back. “Why are you being an asshole?”

“I’m not being an asshole. I’m actually doing a good deed for once in my life.”

“How is preventing Jonas from having a stable relationship doing a good deed?”

The Devil rolled his eyes. “I’m giving her a chance to decide if she would enjoy having a permanent relationship with an incubus.”

“She’ll love it. She will never wake up cold and alone in bed, unlike me, who did this morning. Because someone had gotten out of bed.” The woman hissed at her husband again. “You’re evil.”

“I’m the Devil. Were you expecting something other than pure evil?”

“Yes. I expected you to be in my bed every morning. That is where you belong.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s my bed.”

“It’s my bed now.”

The two settled into their spat. I’d seen my parents fight a few times, but never over something like that. I blinked, and I turned my attention to Diana. “It’s like the courthouse again, except this time, they’re fighting about their sex life.”

“Darlene is a succubus, and she’s on a very restricted diet. We received the call early in our morning that you were able to receive guests, so he wanted to finalize some of our preparations to meet with you, which involved him leaving bed. Darlene does not like waking up without him around, and he was busy enough he neglected to acquire an iced coffee for her, so she’s grouchy. Iced coffee tames the beast.”

Without any evidence the pair remembered they weren’t alone in my hospital room, they flung barbs at each other, with Lucifer adding in a few hints of what he might do to his wife once he got her home. The threatened good time served to infuriate his wife, adding fuel to her fire. “I can’t tell if he’s provoking her on purpose or not.”