Page 51 of Client from Hell

“However much being hungry is annoying, I’m really okay. I didn’t lie to Diana, although I’m known to lie. I don’t joke around about my hunger levels, because a hungry incubus is a dangerous incubus. Of course, you’re a hungry spicy pony with bite, and I’m willing to bet your second nature is kicking into overdrive, and He likely made you the match of unicorns knowing you’re after an incubus. It wouldn’t surprise me if you’re a conversion species, too. If you can convert me, then we’d have children of your species as a guarantee rather than having a chance for a demon or devil, depending on the conception and gestation period. Making devils and demons is a bit more complex than just having sex. And since I’m an incubus, conversion is temporary, although ensnared demons and devils tend to let the conversion stick. We’re suckers for punishment.”

Later, I would need to ask somebody about conversion, potential species, and the lycanthropy virus’s general role in my life. However, our job needed to come first. “Once, my mother tried to punish me by making me read books for an entire afternoon. I was so confused by that, because I enjoyed the books and had a good time. But it was supposed to be a punishment.”

“As we like saying downstairs, is it really a punishment if you like it? Lucifer is absolutely terrible at punishing Darlene when she causes him trouble. She always likes it, so she causes more trouble so he’ll punish her. The only punishment that works is when he makes himself scarce and doesn’t come to bed on time. She does not like when he doesn’t come to bed on time.”

I couldn’t blame her. I’d seen the Devil’s more human form, and if he had even half the skills of an incubus, she was one hell of a lucky woman. “How does Lucifer compare to incubi?”

“Let’s just say he’s an incubus on steroids and leave it at that,” Jonas replied in a strained tone.

“Can’t beat the competition?” I teased.

“One of his preferred tactics, if I haven’t fed in a while, is to influence the entire damned layer I happen to be on. He will do this without warning. I’ll end up fed and caught by a random succubus for a while, and he’ll strut around all proud of himself because he’s a jackass. And because he’s the one doing the influencing, my common sense utterly abandons me. But, it’s a matter of pride that I have to make Lucifer pull out the big guns to override my base tendencies. I’m rather proud of that, really.”

“And the succubus wanders off after a few days because that’s what succubi do?” I guessed.

“Exactly.”

“That sounds like way too much work. Catching one incubus is going to be hard enough. Why would I want to get rid of the one I caught and try to catch another one? Ridiculous.” I returned to scrolling through the notes on Modern Miracles Pharmaceuticals, wrinkling my nose at the information Diana had compiled on them. “Diana doesn’t have a lot of admissible evidence on this lot, but she has a great deal of circumstantial evidence pointing to their involvement in breeding mills for dogs and cats, particularly beagles. Her note says beagles are good for medical research?”

“They’re dependable, biologically sound for medical research, and once they bond with a human, they tend to be loyal to their deaths. It’s a bad combination that results in their breed being bought for top dollar for use in research. The good labs take exceptional care of the dogs, but the labs that Modern Miracles is running? They don’t give a flying shit about the animals. That’s part of why Lucifer is so determined to bring them down. Lucifer considers crimes against beasts to be no different from crimes against men. He feels the same. Big or small, He made them all—with the exception of the Devil’s beloved unicorns and a few other species. And nobody fucks with Lucifer’s unicorns and gets away with it.” Jonas wrinkled his nose. “In reality, I expect we’re going to have to scout this location and see if they have animals. Lucifer is in a mood, and the mood involves rescuing every beast he can from these operations. Then he destroys the labs so the operators won’t be able to just grab more pets and start their experimentations again. It’s a process.”

“Think spicy ponies with bite will get to help break down these labs?” I asked.

“I would count on it.”

Satisfied, I nodded before returning to my reading and research, which boiled down to the operations likely preparing to use humans as their next test subjects, as the information implied the operations had made sufficient progress with the animals. “Do you think we’re going to have problems at this meeting?”

“I’d count on it. I’ve learned that when Lucifer is involved, what can go wrong will go wrong. When I’m also involved? Everything that can go wrong will go wrong to me.”

“Why are we doing this again?”

“You hate the idea of a bunch of animal abusers escaping justice, I hate the idea of a bunch of animal abusers escaping justice, and we’re a few cans short of a six pack.”

I hated I couldn’t argue with him. “If Lucille is damaged, I’m carving revenge out of Lucifer’s hide until he fixes her, back to new and perfect.”

“I really don’t want Lucille to be damaged, but I really want to watch you carve revenge out of Lucifer’s hide.”

“Do you love or hate him?”

“Can it be both? I love hating him.”

“I suppose it can be both.”

“Both. It’s both.”

“Why do I have a feeling this is going to be a disaster?”

“You’ve been paying attention.”

My bad feeling escalated to a restless nervousness warning me something horrible, possibly involving tigers and lions again, lurked on the horizon. No, prowled around in my imminent future. “Question.”

“Answer,” Jonas replied.

“Is there a reason we have to do this? Can’t we park Lucille somewhere nearby, shroud, and investigate without having to actually talk to these people? Shrouds are useful. I bet I can hide us from prying eyes. I bet I could even get us in the building without anyone realizing we’d opened any doors. I can trick cameras.”

“I know you can. You absolutely nailed Lucifer on your little job. You did great work on that. They’re all going mad trying to figure out who did it. Lucifer might end up peeking at the rate he’s going.”

“If he peeks, I’m dead,” I muttered.