Page 29 of Whiskers on Kittens

“You were thrown into prison for a month!” my father bellowed at me.

I held the phone away from my ear until he finished yowling, hissing, and growling at me. Once the sound subsided, I replied, “I was actually doing a job for the judge who wanted someone to investigate the prison system. I was paid for my good work, and that specific incident was expunged from my record with a note that I was hired to do it and counted as community service time.”

My father heaved a sigh. “You’re serious.”

“I’m always serious about doing good deeds even from prison, Dad. But it was a valuable experience. I have learned that I will keep all my criminal mischief to things that exclusively earn me community service time.”

As the Devil could read minds and I knew it, I held out my hand and waggled my fingers, waiting for him to unlock and hand me his phone so I could keep talking and check local real estate. He did as I wanted, and I brought up a real estate site to browse the offerings, discovering there was a greystone not far from where I lived in a perfect place for my parents to get into trouble. “There’s a house on sale three blocks away from me that’s up against the park. Historic landmark, up for renovation, and two doors down from the good grocery store, a bunch of restaurants, and the police station. I will buy it for you for Christmas and handle the renovations, and I will then have your current home repaired and renovated as needed so you can live the high life of closer to me and able to return to your old haunts or give it to the next kid in line. You’re also receiving my permission and approval for another kid, and I will not-so-secretly pay for their education, but you must raise the brat like you’re horribly poor and can barely get by in your greystone.”

“You will owe us at least five hours a week of community service in the form of homeschooling any children we have. You can pick the subjects, but I am concerned with the state of the public education system.”

“Schooling is decent in the area, and there are a few good private schools that might be an option. I would pay those education costs, but I require my loving parents to live three blocks away from me for my convenience.”

“Tell me about the greystone.”

I reviewed the listing, wincing at the damage inside the building. “I’ll get it for a pittance. It needs heavy renovations. The historic landmark societies will love me when I’m done. You’ll have to deal with street parking.”

“We already do.”

“You’ll be able to have a music room, craft room, and workshop easy as pie, and you’ll have two guest bedrooms. I’ll even toss in some nice bathrooms for you as an incentive.”

“We do like our house, Kelsie.”

“I need an excuse to rescue this greystone before it ends up like my guest house. It’s on the brink.”

“I’m only going to go with this on the grounds that your mother and I have been discussing having children. She wants another daughter, however, and we can’t afford the bill.”

I could, and I had access to the Devil. “Putting you on mute for one second.” After muting the call, I engaged the Devil in a staring contest, holding out his phone. “Using my funds, buy this greystone and begin renovations on it. I’ll go with your general plan for this gig in exchange for you cursing my parents with twin girls. My mother has always wanted twin girls, and since they’re infected with lycanthropy now, they’re going to just have a bunch of boys.”

“Two girls and a boy, and I will make certain that all hormonal issues associated with pregnancies of mixed genders are addressed,” Lucifer countered.

“Babysitters will be required, and the greystone renovation must be done to the historic landmark societies’ standards. There are like five of them in the area, and they get bitchy.” Once Lucifer took his phone back, I unmuted the call with my father and said, “Sorry about that. I have a minion here, and I was giving him marching orders. I have a greystone habit, Dad. I need this poor one in my possession, and I require a loving pair of caretakers for it. I can make the arrangements for you to have a girl, but that’s going to cost me a favor with some naughty being from the Devil’s many hells, so you’re going to have to accept the greystone.”

“I guess we could sell the house to help pay for the greystone.”

I rolled my eyes. “You can sell the house to me, and I will keep it for the daughter you will have, as she will want a place to live that’s not in her parents’ basement.”

“Market value and not a penny more.”

“Deal. Tell Mom I love her, that I have finally conquered the house situation, and that I am expecting a lot of hugs at Christmas. We’re starting the celebration on Christmas Eve. Call it noon. We’re going to be doing the open a present at midnight tradition, and we’ll appropriate from some religions for some fun celebratory activities. Except the Krampus ones. I’d be dismembered and tossed in the sack for certain.”

“You have earned a great deal of coal this year, that’s for certain.” My father huffed a laugh. “All right, little kitten. If you really want to move ahead with the greystone, I’ll convince your mother it’s a good idea. I don’t know if we can afford the property taxes on it, though.”

“You can afford the property taxes, I promise.” Of course, I’d be paying the property tax myself, but why start a fight when I’d already won the war? “I’ll handle the school taxes, as that falls under the education umbrella.”

“Well played, Kelsie. Well played.”

I smiled. “Love you, Dad.”

“Love you, too. Expect your mother to call and yell at you in a few hours.”

I looked forward to it, and after exchanging farewells with my father, I hung up the phone. I smiled at Easton. “Your turn, Mr. Goody-Goody.”

“You’re buying a greystone for your parents for Christmas?”

“Absolutely. It’s on the market for pennies, it’s in horrible shape, and I’ll renovate it to be a gem in the area. They deserve me at my best because they deal with me at my worst. I’m also grateful for my existence. And the twin girls and a boy thing? They deserve that, too.”

“You will have your hands full attempting to rein her in, Easton,” the Devil warned. “She becomes overwhelmed and simply must engage in acts of altruism. It’s quite disturbing, really. I recommend you withhold any physical affections until she agrees to at least discuss huge fiscal adventures in the future. That way, she might have money left when she’s done.”