Page 19 of The Virgin Playboy

With that formation, Jaq's face contorted from confusion to recognition to what eventually bleed into that-makes-so-much-sense. “Wow!”

“I know⁠—”

“That explains so much. In the moment, I kinda just thought you were an incel and nothing makes me dryer than knowing I’m giving punani to an incel. But this? This makes way more sense. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. You don’t even swear.”

“To be fair, I’ve spent a lifetime juggling between not using profanity, so there’s just so much to pull from. I’m certainly not allergic to swearing, it’s just…I don’t know, sometimes flipping just sounds better,” I shrugged. “Sometimes dropping something doesn’t bother me enough to say the worst thing. But I do, it’s just sometimes the company I’m in, makes it feel impolite.”

“I definitely don’t think it’s weird, just…rare. Or perhaps, I just don’t meet a lot, but finding men my own age as mature as you, let alone twenty-eight is not a norm. Do you think your upbringing is where your emotional intelligence comes from?” she wondered out loud.

“I’ve always been a naturally empathetic person. And I have nothing but sisters, so I’ve had no choice but to lean into my emotions more. But I’m very curious. Sometimes to my own detriment. I like to learn why things work and don’t work. Whether it’s with religion or people.

It’s likely why I became non-practicing, because it felt like all it was really doing was standing in the way of knowing myself. I’m Māori, and every part of me worth celebrating seems to be a sin in the LDS church. Granted, I can’t condemn the church entirely. Without it, I wouldn’t have known I had a penchant for music. I’m able to work with less privileged communities because it helped me learn Spanish.”

“This is all so wild. Wow, I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable, but I’m literally playing back entire conversations as you talk.”

“We didn’t have many,” I grimaced.

“But still. There were subtle clues. Don’t think I didn’t know Gladys Knight converted in 1997, that should have been my first clue,” she slyly accused. “Being from another country threw me off and taking me to a drag bar whipped me off course, but I’m sure I would have eventually figured it out.”

“I would have told you if I had thought you would understand better. LDS dating culture is vastly different than secular dating culture. You’re encouraged to date. And a lot, because dating isn’t the same thing as courting someone. Dating doesn’t come with expectations, or commitments, or other stuff. It’s essentially getting to know a person enough to figure out whether you see a future with that person, and most of my dating life in the United States has been nothing but that. Which is hard, because I’m sure if I were still with the church, I would’ve been married by twenty-three with kids by now.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“I sung in my church’s choir, and for as many times as it took me to the states, it only took one time being in New York, to see that the world I wanted to experience was…being withheld from me. I wanted to pursue music. And not just music I did for the church. I wanted to touch people’s hearts the way music did for me. Otherwise, why would God give me this gift, when I’m not allowed to share it? I just…didn’t know what to do. So, I walked away. But it doesn’t mean my values I forgot overnight.”

“But you drink. Apparently, the right person can get a swear out of you. Why do you think you stayed a virgin for so long?”

“I don’t know if you know this, but premarital sex ranks pretty high on the list of whether or not you’re going to hell. Not that I was saving myself for marriage. I could, but a part of me was always content that if I didn’t save it for marriage, or even love…that it would at least be with a person who respected my decision to wait. Didn’t make me feel like I was a freak for just wanting it to mean something to me. Be patient with the fact I’m still learning. But I guess that’s hard to find, right?”

Jacqueline shamefully drew her eyes away, recounting to that night we parted. “And I totally ruined that for you⁠—”

“No, Jaq. I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was, it wasn’t your job to be understanding or patient with me. You communicated a boundary and I respected it. Sure, it would’ve been nice to. But I’ve waited twenty-eight years. Can’t see what the harm would be waiting a little longer,” I assured.

“I’m trying to put myself in your shoes, and it’s one of the only times I can’t. Imagining myself that disciplined is truly something I could only write into fiction,” she bantered.

“That and the trauma that I was going to hell if I even thought about it before marriage. The crippling anxiety and constant pessimism that I’m going to embarrass myself when it finally does happen. Not to mention wondering if I’ll be holding onto the guilt and shame I was taught to feel after it’s over,” I managed in one breath, uncomfortably laughing behind a big smile.

“But those feelings are normal,” Jaq admitted.

“Just explicitly amplified when you’re a man and my age. Most women don’t get past my one date rule, so it’s genuinely never come up. Until you.”

“The one date rule is a little weird. It gives you so little time to decide if someone could be worth your time.”

“The thing is, I don’t want to waste someone’s time. I’m a long way from home and if I don’t feel something, walking away quick makes it so both parties don’t get attached. I can do clean breaks too.”

“So, say we would have, and you hadn’t told me. What would you have expected from me?”

I shrugged. “We’ll never know. But I would’ve been mature enough as before, to take it for what it was. Just sex.”

“And unluckily for me, we never made it that far,” she pouted.

“For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t have expected us to get engaged or anything. But you would’ve been the only woman, who made it past my one date rule.”

***

Jaq appeared to be relaxed once she had the context of my background, how it shaped me, until it eventually led to my leaving of the church. Had I known she’d been this understanding, it would’ve been the first thing I admitted, before we hooked up.

“It sounds cliché,” I laughed, combing my fingers through my long hair. “But given all the factors involved, I need to have a level of safety just to consider the possibility of being sexually active. Between STIs, getting naked in front of someone for the first time, the fear of performance anxiety. It almost seems easier not to. Even though I really want to. It’s just, even if it’s casual, I’d like to imagine it’s someone I at least like spending time with. Like talking to. As much as I envy my cousin, I just couldn’t imagine myself being so vulnerable with a revolving door of people. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to at least like talking to that person. But maybe I’m being too idealistic,” rubbing the bottom of my face with my palm.