Page 54 of The Virgin Playboy

“Do you think if I had come home earlier, that things might have been different?”

“Maybe…but I fear you wouldn't have been happy. So, for as hard as your absence has been, I'm just glad that you're home. Whatever shape, form, or capacity that is. Even if it took an American girl to do it,” he beamed. “Honestly, Graham, she must be some girl. I didn't think anything can bring you back to us.”

***

That conversation had to have been the hardest I'd had in my life. Man, I needed to get out of my head, but only a few things really did it these days. Playing music, but after that it’d make me just sit with my grief. I promised my parents I wouldn't disrespect their house, but given the circumstances, I wasn't sure I could honor that promise.

Luckily, I wasn't tempted, because Jaq was nowhere to be found. All that left me to do was hit up the outdoor gym. Surprisingly, this had been for Winnie's benefit, her being a rugby player in secondary school before giving it up to go to uni.

Working out had always been something I'd embraced more after leaving the church, as I worried less about vanity and more about how it just made me feel. Mostly good. Well, good may not be the right word. Worn out was more like it.

When I tired myself out, I wasn't worried about the future or what it held. All I worried about was when I have a shower and whether I should omit that last set.

So, imagine my surprise when Wilhelmina sat down on one of the bench press stools, waiting for me to acknowledge her. “You gonna sit there all day watching me lift?”

“No, I'm gonna sit here all day, wondering why I got all the sturdy and you got all the booty⁠—”

“Shut up,” I laughed, putting down the barbell in its proper place, sanitizing the stuff I used. “Why didn't you tell me sooner about dad?” I accused.

“Why would I have needed to, to get you home?” she snapped back.

“It's just fucked up. Everyone seems to know but me. Everyone's preparing for it but me. You all had this time to be at peace with it. I'm coming here expected to get where you all are within a day.”

“Graham, be lucky that you're here now. Don't waste his last days picking a fight with us.”

“So, you don't think it'll be long?” I asked with skepticism.

“Graham, we're honestly surprised he held out this long. It could be any day now.”

Pacing back and forth around equipment, a controlled scream escaped, her acknowledging the inevitable making it more real.

“If it makes you feel better, we've got the tangi for him planned. It'll be the flyest way a white man has ever gone out. Figured he’s honorary Māori, might as well go out in style. Hopefully, you'll stay for that.”

“Of course, I'll stay for that. I want to help. I want to be a part of that.”

“Trust me, Graham, if you stay, nobody's going to stop you. We're just glad that you're here.”

“I just wish…if everyone was going to keep it from me, I figured at least you'd tell me the truth. I thought we told each other everything.” Being the only son, I always made do with having my older sister as my best friend.

Leaving home, naturally we grew apart, but she'd always been the one person I could count on to be real with me.

“Do you remember what you said before you left⁠—”

“Winnie, I said a lot of things. To a lot of different people⁠—”

“I'm not asking what you said to other people. I'm asking if you remember what you said to me.”

“Well, I'm sure you're gonna tell me,” I mumbled.

“Graham, you told me that in this family, it felt like you were drowning.”

“Okay, I was under a lot of pressure. I was wondering if I even wanted to go through with pausing my education to go on a mission. Annie was pressuring me to get engaged when I wasn't ready. All while I was secretly questioning if I even wanted to practice anymore.”

“I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine the challenges that came with that. But when people love you, it breaks their hearts to hear that they're the reason why you're struggling. Even getting you on the phone was hard, when you wanted to no more than five-minute conversations.”

“Well, it wouldn't have been if every conversation start didn't start and end with trying to reconvert me. I’d just call to talk to my family, and it felt like I wasn't worthy to fit in the family without the church,” I defended.

“Okay, maybe that's where we messed up in the beginning. We just thought you needed guidance. A safe way back to us. A lot of people stray because of societal pressure. Once we knew you weren't coming back, we tried to respect your need for space,” she admitted.