Page 38 of Red, White, and BearCat Blue

I chuckled again, sitting up, and grabbing him by the shoulders. I pulled him close, kissing him soundly, tasting myself on his tongue. What is it about this man that makes me want to keep touching him? I’m never like this with lovers. Usually, I couldn’t wait to get away from them or send them packing as soon as the sex was over. I had the overwhelming urge to throw all caution to the wind and just spend the night in his room. Fuck me.

When he finally broke the kiss, I glanced at my watch. Bloody hell. I’d been in his room for almost an hour. What if Mickey had come looking for me? Surely, if he didn’t find me in my own room, he would’ve just come down here. Thank God he hadn’t. I needed to go and felt really bad about it. I wanted to spend the night here, fucking him properly. Instead, I’d have to leave it with a thanks for the blowie and call it a day. Guilt flooded me as I looked up and caught the look in his eyes.

“You need to go?”

I reached out and cupped his cheek. “I don’t want to, but if Mickey comes looking for me…”

“You’re not going to tell him about this,” Cam stated, glancing quickly away.

I turned his cheek, making him face me. “I can’t, Cam. I can get into a lot of trouble for what I did ‘ere tonight.”

He frowned. “Why? I wanted you. You didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want.”

I nodded slowly. “I know that and you know that, but Mickey wouldn’t understand. And if my boss ever caught wind of it…well, let’s just say, it wouldn’t be good.”

“If you weren’t an FBI agent who was in charge of watching over me and I wasn’t your informant, would you have stayed in my room tonight?”

“Cam—”

“Really, Mars, it’s okay,” he said in clipped tones. There was a definite underlying hurt in his voice. Damn. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad about having to go. I didn’t have any expectations about it. I don’t really want you staying here anyway.” He looked away. “I’m used to staying on my own. I never sleep with a lover.”

I blinked several times. I knew he was lying. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He grabbed my wrist and checked my watch before practically tossing my hand back at me. “Better get going now. I really need to get some sleep if we’re going to pull off that bullshit with Josiah’s guys the day after tomorrow.”

“Cam, ya don’t understand.”

“No!” he said sharply. “You don’t understand. I need my beauty sleep.” He abruptly stood up, wrapping his discarded towel around his hips, and began collecting my clothes, tossing them at me.

I caught my belt right before it hit me in the lip. “Shite.” I slid off the bed, knowing I’d really fucked up. The last thing I’d ever wanted to do was to hurt him and whether he said so or not, I know running away now after amazing sex, wasn’t the right thing to do. I always seemed to do shit like this. It’s why I fucked guys once and never went back for seconds. But allowing myself to step into this minefield when I should’ve remained totally professional had been a grand clusterfuck from start to finish. This was all my fault, and I deserved all the shitty things he was thinking about me right now.

He disappeared into the bathroom, and I sighed, reaching up and running a hand through my riotous hair, trying to smooth it into some semblance of order. I threw both legs over the side of the bed and began pulling on my clothes. I was squatting, putting on my shoes and socks when I heard the shower start up.

I glanced around quickly to make sure I hadn’t left anything behind and knocked quietly on the bathroom door but got no response. I sighed, knocking again, a little louder this time with the same results. I leaned my forehead against the solid surface, closing my eyes as guilt washed through me before finally turning, walking to the door, and letting myself out.

CAM

I stood under the shower, washing off, noting areas of redness on my hips where Mars had held me down as he sucked me off. I’d wanted him to do even more with me, have him give me a hard fuck, even though how that’d be accomplished without condoms and lube, I had no idea. I’d run out and hadn’t had time to pick any up, even if I could’ve anticipated a hot roll in the sheets with the gorgeous FBI agent. I’d ended up settling for giving him a pretty spectacular blowjob, if I did say so myself. The one he’d given me had been nothing to sneeze at either. Mars really knew his way around a man’s body.

Most surprising to me had been the tenderness he’d shown during the encounter. The man was as big as a mountain, and I’d hoped for a little more man handling. Next time. Shit. If I took him at his word, there wouldn’t be a next time. I spread shower gel over my body, closing my eyes and cupping my balls as I remembered his touch. I could still feel his mouth on mine, the way he’d kissed me passionately, abrading my cheeks with his beard, making me want him more than I’d ever wanted any man before. It had been obvious he had a lot of experience giving blowjobs of his own. I’d never come as hard as I had tonight. I had a feeling that this would end up being one of those encounters to tuck away in my spank bank, since the possibility of it happening a second time, was no doubt, nonexistent.

I shut off the water when I felt my fingertips beginning to prune, and got out, toweling off for the second time in an hour. I hadn’t needed the second shower, but I’d gone into the bathroom to escape Mars’ pitying expression after telling me this was a one off. I should’ve known he’d be good for one fuck and that’d be it. I didn’t really expect even that to happen, and if I were being honest, calling trading blowjobs a fuck, was a bit of a stretch. As I brushed my teeth with the cruddy little toothbrush provided by the hotel, I reflected on how I’d gotten myself into this mess.

I hadn’t told Mars and Mickey how I really felt about Josiah, the terror I felt every time I met with the man. Though I’d explained my initial meeting with him, I hadn’t wanted to convey how he’d looked at me with pure evil under the placid mask of efficiency he always wore. I’d responded to his offer of better money, first, being ordered to meet him at the Four Queens, and then, agreeing to keep working for him.

But I hadn’t told either of them that with each car I delivered to him, I’d also given up just a little more control in the relationship. I didn’t think either of those things would be smart to confess. It just made me out to be a weak and easily manipulated asshole.

He’d quickly made me dependent on the money I earned from his jobs. I’d been barely scraping by before meeting him, scarcely able to make my rent and pay the difference for my mom’s place every month. Afterward, I’d ended up with enough to keep going, but I hadn’t gotten rich on the jobs he’d doled out here and there. I’d never been able to put anything aside for a rainy day, or for the day when I would walk away from him. I wasn’t even sure he’d let me walk away. I’d always suspected he kept an eye on me the way he did all the guys he had stealing cars for him, including the guys who’d up and disappeared.

And I’d also wondered if he was into other stuff that paid better than the car business. Guys like Josiah always looked sleek and polished. He practically dripped with wealth. From the Rolex on his wrist to the cars he drove, to the bespoke Armani suits, I knew he was rolling in dough. I’d long suspected it came from more than one source.

Then there was the FBI’s interest in Josiah. Mars’ boss, Captain Sorensen, had been really interested in his vehicle trafficking, but there was definitely more and now that I thought about it, I realized he was probably moving drugs. Drug smuggling would totally make sense, if that was what this was. Josiah had the means to do it by moving cars in containers overseas, and he surrounded himself by some pretty scary thugs.

I wondered how many guys like me Josiah had extorted by using family members or by exploiting other flaws they might have. Finding guys with gambling debts in Vegas was like finding snowflakes in North Dakota. There was no doubt in my mind that Josiah used guys like me by exploiting weaknesses. And finding weaknesses in people seemed to be his specialty.

In my case, Mom’s safety and well-being was my Achilles’ heel, and the veiled threat of harming her was always hanging over my head. Ever since I’d blurted out that stupid comment about having a mom with Alzheimer’s, I’d regretted it, knowing it’d probably get back to Josiah. I was just too stupid to live.

I spat out my toothpaste and rinsed my mouth, wishing I had clean clothes for the millionth time since finding out I wouldn’t be going back to the apartment tonight. At least then, I’d have fresh underwear to put on in the morning when the FBI came to collect me. We hadn’t gone over what I’d say to his goons when they showed up at my apartment and for that matter, I wondered how they’d respond when they found out Mom wasn’t going to be at her care home when they went to get her.