Page 12 of Reforming the Rakish Marquess

He chuckled. “Understandable.”

“What I mean to say is that while I don’t wish to marry, I do wish for…other things.” She hoped he wouldn’t notice how her skin heated.

“Other things?” he asked, confused.

Certainly, she was as red as a tomato by that point, and surely he wasn’t going to make her say the words. “Things a husband and wife do.”

He nodded slowly, appearing to finally understand what she referred to, but he didn’t speak. The realization settled in his expression.

“I thought you might be agreeable to…with me…doing said things.” He might think her a feather-brained ninny, but at least she said it. Every second she waited for him to respond felt like an hour.

Jude set his cup on the table in front of him. “Are you asking me to be your lover, Juliana?”

She looked down at her hands, not certain she wished to look into his eyes if she should reject her. “Yes.”

He tugged at his cravat and shifted in his seat. “I’m flattered, truly, I am, but…”

“Jude,” she interrupted him, drawing a deep breath and finally finding more coherent words, “I trust you. I would rather pursue such an arrangement with someone I trust and know won’t do more than I ask. Someone who will practice discretion. I wish to finally experience what occurs between a man and a woman.” She closed her eyes, as she hadn’t meant to speak that last part, attempting to mask her pained expression. She only hoped he wouldn’t notice.

“What do you mean?” he asked. “You were married.”

No such luck. “Um, well. Edward and I… well… we were never intimate, you see.” If she were going to trust the man with such an arrangement, she could trust him with the truth of the situation.

Jude’s jaw dropped open. “How is that possible?”

She winced. “As I said, I trust you. So, I shall share this with you, but you must keep this between us.”

“I think that goes without saying.” He motioned for her to continue.

“Very well.” She paused and drew a deep breath before continuing. “Edward wasn’t attracted to women…in that way. Not the way in which a man should be attracted to his wife.” She assessed Jude’s reaction to ensure he understood her meaning.

Surprisingly, his expression turned murderous. “How dare he marry you knowing this? If he weren’t dead, I might just have to kill him for tricking you in such a cruel way.”

“You don’t understand,” she said, motioning for him to lower his voice. “I knew. He told me before I agreed to marry him.”

His anger subsided, and his expression was one of disbelief. “Why? Why did you agree to marry him?”

“He was my dearest friend,” she started. “A marriage of convenience suited me well at the time. It was happier than most marriages of the ton. He was kind to me and settled a large amount of funds and property on me to ensure I was provided for.” She paused and found her words before continuing. “I just never considered what I was missing until my friends got married.”

He nodded in understanding. “So your friends aren’t aware of the truth of your marriage?”

“No one knows but you, Jude. We must keep it that way,” she pleaded. “Even whispers of such a thing would impact my standing in society and forever tarnish my reputation.”

“I won’t tell a soul. You have my word.” He sighed. “You are a kind soul. One of the kindest I’ve ever met.”

She looked at her hands. He hadn’t answered her original question. “Thank you, Jude.” She drew another breath, almost irritated that he was making her ask again. “So, given all of this, are you open to considering the arrangement I proposed?”

When she glanced up, he was staring at her.

“I don’t know,” he said, raking his fingers through his hair. “I’m trying to think.”

“Since I have laid bare all of my secrets before you, you might as well know that my thoughts and desires to experience such things are unrelenting. Lord Lygon offered me such an arrangement, but he would expect that I am more experienced than I am. Any gentleman I might consider would. I cannot share with them all I have shared with you.” She knew she was rambling and saying too much, but the words just poured out of her. He must have thought she had gone mad.

He shocked her with what he said next, with only slight hesitation, perhaps with a mix of the faintest trepidation in his tone.

“Very well. If you wish to learn, I shall be the one to teach you.”

Chapter Four