Page 45 of Reforming the Rakish Marquess

Once he departed, Juliana tried her best to push aside what he said, but it kept taking hold of her thoughts. Jude couldn’t have any true feelings for her, could he?

Was it possible that Jude pushed her away because he felt something for her? Should she accept defeat or fight for the man she loved?

She hadn’t a clue what to do.

Chapter Thirteen

Jude was restless and in a foul mood all afternoon, and then into the evening. His stomach was in knots over the way he left things with Juliana that morning. The last thing he wished for was to end things with her, but he had already exposed her to enough of his past.

The look in her eyes indicated she might feel something for him beyond the pleasure he brought her. He would be lying if he said he didn’t harbor some of the same feelings, but such things were foreign to him. Even if it were some kind of deeper affection, surely the feelings would pass and they’d both realize what they had experienced was just a heavy dose of passion.

He took her virginity. Well, he didn’t take it. She gave it to him when she asked him to be her first and show her what it meant to couple with a man. He almost puffed his chest out, knowing that he was the one to do so. And loath to admit that the thought of any other man laying with her in such a manner did nothing to ease the discomfort in his stomach.

As much as he had tried to distract himself throughout the day with work and other matters, his thoughts drifted back to her. Always her. He declined to attend the ball that evening, knowing that he couldn’t face her in a crowded ballroom amongst their friends and the rest of the ton.

It had grown dark outside, and he gave himself a healthy pour of brandy from the decanter in his study and downed it all at once. Slamming the glass on his desk, he sat back, running his hand down his face. Then there was a knock at his door.

“Enter.” He bellowed.

Abbott, his butler, entered.

“You have a caller, my lord,” Abbott said, “Lord Wilton.”

What could Matt possibly want? Shouldn’t he be at the evening’s ball? Jude thought for a moment, deciding if he was up for Matt’s company or not in his frustrated state. He sat up straight in his chair.

“Send him in.”

“Yes, my lord.”

At least Matt’s arrival would give him an excuse to down another glass of brandy and avoid admitting to himself that he was already regretting that he wouldn’t meet Juliana in her chamber later that evening.

A few moments later, Matt strode into the room dressed in his evening finery with a wide smile on his face. Jude fought not to roll his eyes. Matt was, by his nature, far too jovial for Jude’s current state. He’d need more than just one glass of brandy.

“What brings you by, Matt? You aren’t dressed for a casual call to my home this evening.” He motioned towards the seat across from his desk.

Matt sunk into it, his usual smile never leaving his face.

“Something seemed off with you last night, and then when you never showed tonight, I came to see if you were all right.”

Jude picked up the decanter and poured Matt a glass of brandy, then refilled his own. He handed Matt his glass and held up his as if to toast him.

“I am fine,” Jude said, knowing he said the words harsher than he should have if he had any hope of his friend believing them.

Then he took a large gulp of his drink, deciding against downing it all.

Matt cast him a wary glance before taking a sip from his own glass.

“How long do you want me to pretend to believe you?” Matt asked.

Jude didn’t fight his eye roll this time. He must remember to apologize to Evan for all the times he antagonized him while he was sorting out his feelings for his wife.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Jude said.

Matt laughed. “I have never seen you in a state of greater unease than in these last couple of days, friend. Just tell me what it is, and I’ll help you figure it out.”

Jude wasn’t ready to speak of his arrangement with Juliana, or at least not confirm for him who consumed his every thought. They agreed they wouldn’t tell anyone.

“I am awaiting word from Bow Street.”