Page 71 of Reforming the Rakish Marquess

“I’m fine. Thank you, Bonnie.”

She straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. It was for show, because she didn’t feel the confidence she portrayed on the outside, but if she played the part, she might one day feel it. As much as she wanted to give Jude a good set down, she wouldn’t attempt to lie to herself about how much she loved him. Because she did. She loved him to the depths of her soul and she knew she would carry it with her forever.

Once she had reached her home again, she departed to her chamber, locking the door behind her. She wished to be alone with her thoughts. Throwing herself onto her bed, she buried her face into her pillow. She released the sobs that she held within her body. She wept into the pillow, which still smelled like him, until she couldn’t cry any longer and her head hurt.

Juliana sat up and massaged her temples. Sighing, as she wasn’t certain what to do next. The season held little appeal any longer. She wasn’t in the mood to attend balls and routs while she mended her broken heart.

There was always the option to marry Nate, which would be a compelling option if she might have children to focus on. She knew that love would never be in her future after what she experienced with Jude.

She needed to talk to one of her female friends about everything, but none of them knew about Jude.

Marina. Marina knew she was considering Jude. She received a letter from her yesterday that she delivered her baby boy, Arthur, named after her brother. Juliana hadn’t yet penned her response.

Hopping down from her bed, she ventured to her private parlor. She took a seat at her writing desk and grabbed a piece of parchment. Dipping her quill in ink, she worked on her missive to Marina.

Marina,

Congratulations on the birth of your son. I am sure Evan is over the moon. I am not surprised that he fussed over you the entire time and made good on his promise to be with you when your babe was born. I am sure you can expect that for the next several weeks. I can’t wait to meet little Arthur. I am just thankful that you are both doing well.

I know you are quite busy with your son and husband, but I am desperately in need of your counsel. I was a fool, Marina. I took your advice and pursued the arrangement with Jude, and I fell in love with him. I thought he might feel the same, but he has ended things and left for the country without so much as facing me.

I had allowed myself to imagine what a life with a husband and children would be like again, and now I am left feeling adrift. I don’t know what to think or do now. Please tell me what to do.

Yours,

Juliana

She reread her words and then sanded the letter before sealing it. Departing from her room, she walked the missive downstairs herself and put it in the tray to have it posted. Marina was one of the most opinionated people she knew. Juliana had no choice but to mend her broken heart by retreating from society while she awaited Marina’s response.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Four days later

Juliana paced her drawing room awaiting Viscount Gordon to attend her. She had practiced what she would say to the man over and over in her head. As tedious and exhausting as the entire situation was, it allowed her to push Jude out of her thoughts. He was never gone long, always returning when she thought she might find a moment’s peace.

Since she wasn’t attending social events for the foreseeable future, Juliana hadn’t left her house even once in recent days. She worried that Tabitha or Hannah would show up, so she sent them each a letter to inform them she hadn’t been feeling well but would be well soon and back attending balls with them. The excuse would only work for so long, but she wasn’t certain when she would be ready to be out in society again. She hoped the missives would placate her friends for the time being.

She hoped to hear from Marina any day, as depending on what her friend said, Juliana might retire to the country and quit the season. Nate called on her twice already to check on her, but neither of them brought up his offer of marriage. Marina’s advice would prove helpful as to weigh her options.

Juliana had stopped strolling through the gardens at her home, because her heart pained each time she passed the roses, recalling the flowers that Jude sent her before he ran away to the country.

Something still didn’t sit right with her about the way he left. Perhaps it was her own wishful thinking, but a part of her couldn’t help but believe that something had occurred to cause him to end things the way he did. She almost packed a bag and marched into his country estate to demand answers but told herself that was insane.

If he wished to be with her, he would. It was as simple as that. She wouldn’t beg the man to be with her. To love her. She’d finally gotten herself to stop crying over him, and if she was mistaken and he didn’t hold any affection for her, she didn’t want to hear him say the words.

In need of a distraction she ventured to the foyer to see if she had any correspondence in the tray. Her heart quickened when she saw missives waiting for her, and even more so when she saw there was a letter from Marina on top.

She took the letter and returned to the drawing room to await her guest. Not a guest, an unwanted blackguard, she reminded herself. Breaking the seal on the missive, she read it to herself:

Juliana,

Dearest, please come and visit me. I think a trip to the country would serve you well. You can meet Arthur and we can discuss matters in greater detail.

If you don’t come here right away, I just might have to come to town to see you.

See you soon,

Marina