Page 45 of Dreaming Without Heartache

“I could eat.” Steven grabs his glass, then my hand as we make our way inside. Friends like him don’t come around often. In a world that keeps changing, he’s one of the few things that still feels steady.

Chapter Sixteen

It’s Annie’s birthday today. I’ve thought about it all week. She liked to start her celebrations early. It was a tradition started by our foster mom, Mrs. Ashwood. Every year, exactly one week before her birthday Annie would call to remind me what was coming up. Her excitement was the best. I couldn’t forget if I tried. Mom never remembered our birthday. She was too busy getting high and passing out. When we were placed with Mrs. Ashwood, we finally knew what it was like to be loved. We got presents, cake, and a party with friends. Annie got to be a kid again. She handed over the reins to her parental responsibilities to Mrs. Ashwood, trusting her to take care of us. My sister was truly happy for the first time. And so was I.

“I’m ready to go.” Maisie appears in front of me. I’ve been sitting on the couch staring off in thought.

“Do you have your letter?”

Maisie pats the front pocket of her jeans. “Yes.”

“Kara,” I call out as I stand. “Let’s go, please.”

I have a surprise for the girls. I bought Annie and Bill two trees that were planted at Memorial Park. The girls have never seen them though they did help me choose which trees to buy. I also picked out a bench that has been placed between the trees so the girls could visit whenever they wanted and be reminded of their parents. Kind of like a new life for them to hold on to instead of the graveside. I wanted them to be able to watch something beautiful bloom in their honor. Plus, Annie loved trees, especially the cherry tree. I was surprised when I gave them a list and Kara immediately chose those, explaining to Maisie why these are perfect. She told her that in the spring the bloom is pink, summer is green, autumn is red, orange, or yellow before the leaves fall, then the bark is reddish brown which is a nice color when no leaves are on the tree. I know she must have gotten this from Annie because this was her favorite tree of all time. I bought the seven-foot ones and had them planted. It’s time for the girls to see them.

Maisie has a letter she wants to read to Annie. I hope I can keep it together today. I’m already feeling the hole in my heart widening. My sister’s first birthday in heaven. I never imagined this day and wish it didn’t exist.

Looking grim, Kara slowly descends the stairs. I don’t blame her. This is new for us all. I’m sure her anxiety is as bad as mine. Plus, she asked if Olivia could come and I said no. This is a private moment.

I grab the flowers that Maisie picked out and make my way to the garage. “Off we go.” I hope this is a good surprise. The drive is quiet. I want to talk and comfort the girls, but I honestly don’t know what to say. Instead, I settle for music. Memorial Park is a little further than the cemetery and it’s busier than I expected.

“Where are we?” Kara asks.

“For your mom’s birthday, I thought we could come here to see the trees that were planted in your parents’ memory. Cherry blossoms were her favorite.”

“I can’t wait to see them.” Maisie beams as we all exit the vehicle.

“Kara,” I say, extending the flowers. “Want to carry these?” She shakes her head, crosses her arms over her chest and keeps her eyes fixed on the ground.

“I’ll do it.” Maisie takes the flowers, holding them close to her chest. She picked out a bright selection, thinking that we were putting them on the grave. They look cheerful. Annie would have loved them.

We take the beautiful path along the pond, trees spread out periodically until we reach our spot up on the hill that overlooks the magnificent area. I wanted it to be eye-catching so that in the years to come, the girls could sit and think about our Annie and Bill and remember the beauty they gave us.

We stop in front of the six-foot-long spruce bench settled between the two trees. “Look, girls.” I point to the bronze plaque engraved at the top of the bench. For Annie and Bill who loved Kara and Maisie with their whole hearts. It’s the first time I’m seeing it as well. It’s perfect. We stand and stare at it.

I take out a card about the trees, pictures of what to expect when they bloom. I also have something I wrote for the occasion. “These trees symbolize not the death of Annie and Bill, but the regrowth of life in the memory of two amazing people.” I hold up the images of the four seasons. “When you girls come here to visit, I hope you see life in the blooms that signify the beauty of your mom and dad. The Okame cherry tree is associated with good fortune and happiness. I know that’s what your mom and dad wish for you in your future. Brighter days are ahead for you two. When you’re feeling down or lost in this world, these trees will symbolize the spirit of your parents in their growth. You can come here and sit, talk to them, remember their love, and hopefully feel the warmth of their embrace on this bench between the trees.”

Maisie sits down on the bench. I sit beside her. “Want to read your letter now?”

“Which tree is Momma’s?” Maisie’s voice is brave, her eyes fixed on the trees, like she’s trying to decide which one is hers.

“Which do you and Kara want it to be?”

Maisie looks at Kara. “This one?” She points to the tree on the left. Kara nods in agreement.

“Perfect.”

She nods, looking serious, and takes the paper from her pocket and unfolds it. “Dear Momma,” Maisie’s little voice begins. “I miss you every single day. I brought you some flowers that are all colors. I hope they make you smile in heaven. I hope you have a good birthday with cake and balloons. I love you all the way to the stars and back. Please tell Daddy that I love him too. Love, Maisie.”

I wipe my eyes. I’ve never felt heartache like this. I wonder if it’ll get any easier. “That was beautiful, honey. I bet your mom and dad are smiling down on you and Kara right now.” I see Kara wipe her eyes with the back of her hand. I put one arm around Maisie and pat the bench next to me for Kara. She shakes her head.

“Aunt Allie, are you going to tell Mommy happy birthday?” Maisie looks up at me as she takes my hand in hers.

“Of course.” I take a deep breath, trying to hold my emotions together. “Happy birthday, Annie.” I cover my mouth to hold in my sob. “The girls and I wish you were here to celebrate. I know how much you loved your special week. I bet you’re having a big party in heaven. You have amazing girls, and I know you’d be proud of them for being strong for you. We all love you so much. Sprinkle your magic on these trees so they grow beautiful and healthy.”

Maisie puts her arms around my neck and hugs me. She turns to Kara. “Are you going to tell Mommy happy birthday too?”

Kara doesn’t say anything at first. I see her wiping her eyes. “Happy birthday, Mom,” Kara says in a whisper. “I love you.” Then she turns and hurriedly walks down to the pond. She stands with her arms crossed. I want to hold her and give her the comfort she needs, but I know she’ll push me away angrily.