Page 55 of Dreaming Without Heartache

I sprint through the house to catch Kara climbing in through the laundry room window. She must have gone out that way. “Did you seriously sneak out again? Why, Kara?” I follow her into the living room. “Are you trying to throw your life away? Is that the big plan?”

“Get off my back!” She whips around on me, fury in her eyes. “You’re not my mother.”

“No, I’m not. But this nonsense is going to stop. I’ve had enough. Give me the damn vape.” I hold out my hand.

“I don’t vape! You’ve lost your mind!” she screams. Her neck and face are red, clear signs she knows she’s caught. Kara notices Sam for the first time. I follow her gaze to see Sam’s hands resting on Maisie’s shoulders as they watch this scene unfold.

“Oh really?” I turn my phone around to show her the video of her vaping. “Give it to me, or I’ll take it from you. So, let’s not go down that road.”

“I hate you!” she yells, throwing the vape at me. I swat it down before it hits me in the face.

“Congratulations, you’re grounded until the end of time. Tomorrow, I’m searching your room and that door is coming off the hinges.” I lean down to pick up the intact vape.

“Stop acting like my mom! You don’t care.”

“You think this is what I wanted?” My voice rises, raw and shaking. “I didn’t want to lose my sister. I didn’t want to suddenly be a parent.” My chest tightens, every heartbeat a heavy thud that makes it harder to breathe.

“Hey, you two.” Sam steps between us, palms out, trying to hold back the storm. “Let’s take a moment, calm down, and regroup.”

“This isn’t fair!” Kara shrieks, her face blotchy with rage. On the couch, Maisie clamps her hands over her ears, tears spilling down her cheeks.

I wipe a tear as it falls from the corner of my eye. “You’re right. This isn’t fair. I don’t know what to do anymore, Kara. None of this was planned. I’m doing the best I can.”

“It’s not good enough!” Kara yells as she climbs the stairs. “You’ll never be good enough.”

“I know.” I shake my head slowly, the words heavy on my tongue. “I won’t.”

Kara’s voice breaks into a sob. “Why couldn’t it have been you?” The slamming of her bedroom door rattles the walls.

Her words crush the air from my chest. “I wish it were me,” I whisper.

“I hate you!” echoes behind Kara’s door, sharp enough to split me in two.

Sam steps in front of me, gently taking my hands. “She didn’t mean it.”

I stare at Sam, wondering which part she didn’t mean. My gaze drifts past her to Maisie, her eyes closed, and hands still pressed against her ears as sobs shake her body. I cross the room and scoop her up. I tuck her onto my lap, holding her close, pressing her small frame against me. She wraps her arms tightly around my neck. I rub her back, steady and slow, holding back my own tears. I have to be strong for her.

“I’m so sorry, honey. It’s going to be okay,” I try to reassure her as Maisie holds on to me while I rock her slowly.

“I’ll check on Kara,” Sam says, as she climbs the stairs.

I wait until Maisie’s sobs soften before sitting her upright in my arms. I wipe the tears from her cheeks and brush the damp strands of hair from her forehead.

“We’re okay, you and I, aren’t we?” I whisper. Maisie nods, rubbing her eyes with her palms. “You know I love you with all my heart, right?”

She nods again, sniffing. “I love you too.” Her tiny broken voice tugs at my heart. “Do you love Kara?” That question guts me.

“Of course, I love Kara. With all of my heart,” I say, hurt that she felt she needed to ask. But I understand she’s young and these arguments of ours seem so harsh to her. “Kara really misses your mom and dad so much that her pain comes out in anger.”

Maisie’s lashes flutter with tears that refuse to fall. “Are you mad at her?”

“I’m hurt,” I admit. I’m mad too, but she doesn’t need to know that. I’m also mad at the situation we’re all in and how our lives were torn apart and rebuilt without a choice. At how these girls need their parents. I have no clue what the hell I’m doing. I need my sister, but I’m only left with memories.

“Does Kara hate you?” Maisie asks. She’s confused by all she’s heard tonight. I hope Kara doesn’t hate me, but what do I say to that? The truth is, I don’t know. I have no clue where her aggression toward me has come from or what I did to cause it.

“I don’t know, honey,” I say quietly. “I hope not. But I do know that your sister loves you very much. That’s so important. Sisters are special friends. Like your mom was to me. You may not see it now, but one day, when you’re older, you two are going to have the best time.”

Maisie wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes tight. “I love you, Aunt Allie.” I need this more than she’d ever realize.