Page 62 of Life, Love, and Other Messes

“Do you remember him?”

“No. If we were friends, it might almost be okay, but not really because the whole point is she doesn’t want me to be seen with a woman. I’ve been out to her since I was twenty-five, and she still will not have me seen with a woman.”

“Couldn’t you just go alone?”

“I said that, but it’s not good enough. I have to be with a man. It’s not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing is ever right. Nothing is ever acceptable.” I choked on the last words. “Shit.”

I made it to the bathroom in four steps. I wanted to scream into my bath towel, but I was afraid Lisa would hear it. I wanted to punch the wall or rip down the shower curtain, but I sat on the edge of the tub, just like I had the first night she’d kissed me. I didn’t cry for long, but a little bit was too much. I was thinking about how I could explain my absence without looking like a gigantic freak when Ollie whined softly from the hallway and gently, gently scratched the door, like he’d taken just one claw to remind me he was out there.

“Hey, old man,” Lisa said from the other room. “C’mere. Let me give you some love.”

That almost made me cry again. She was so wonderful and I was such a mess and my mother was such a goddamn witch. I took a deep breath, ran the cold water until it was freezing, splashed my face, and buried in the hand towel for a moment. Okay. Here we go.

“Hey.” Lisa gave me a tiny, apologetic smile and patted Ollie, who was sprawled on the sofa next to her.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

I sat where I had been and stared at her laptop on the coffee table. Most of the stickers on the top were cute appropriate ones that her kids would love, but one was from the place I’d gotten my tattoos and piercings and one was a farting unicorn. “I hate being a girl.”

“Hmm?”

“When guys get mad they yell and blame other people and hit stuff. When girls get mad—”

“We cry,” Lisa said with me. “Yeah. That.”

“As you can see for the millionth time, I do not get along with my mother. She doesn’t know this, though.”

“Which makes things understandably awkward. Is it just because you’re gay?”

I shook my head. “It’s pretty much been everything since I popped out of the womb.”

“Since then? Really?”

“My brother was the easy baby. I was the fussy one. She’ll tell you that any hour of the day.”

“And so I assume you’ve spent your entire life trying to make up for that. I bet you did well in school.”

“I did as well as I could, but I just couldn’t get straight A’s so it wasn’t good enough.”

“Did your brother get straight A’s?”

“My brother barely graduated, but she dotes on my brother. My brother can do no wrong. He’s straight and has given her a sweet, pretty daughter-in-law and six grandkids and he didn’t move across the country to get away from her. I tried to do what she wanted every second until I was old enough to realize I couldn’t win. Then I still did everything she asked and everything she wanted, just did stuff behind her back.”

“As could be expected.”

“I went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday night and did choir and youth group and couldn’t listen to Michael Jackson and couldn’t wear cool clothes and I did every goddamn thing she ever wanted and it will never be enough.”

“Sam. You are the single most incredible human being I’ve met in my life. You’re kind and smart and giving and helpful and care about all the right things. I love how animated and emphatic you are when you talk about your classes and your students. I love how you took care of me when I was fucked up about Corey. I know you say you’re a mess, but you fight the fight every day and that impresses me so much. I just…”

We stared at one another for a long time. I wanted to say that I wasn’t so great, but all at once we were teetering on the precipice.

Lisa smiled and looked away. “Too soon. C’mere.”

“Um.” I cocked my head at Ollie, who had spread out like a liquid on the big part of the sofa.

“There’s room on the other side.”