Page 73 of Life, Love, and Other Messes

I held up my hand. “Don’t.”

“Are you crazy? I mean, that was beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but Mom is going to have to bury herself in a pit. I don’t know which was more amazing, when you dropped the f-bomb or when you called God a woman.”

“Damn it.” I stood up and paced the sidewalk for a while, considering the church doors as if I might want to take it back, not that I could. Nope. No way. With a fresh surge of anger, I turned to the lawn, kicked one of the crosses, and sent it flying.

Kevin gasped. We stared at one another for a moment, then the corners of his eyes began to crinkle and he burst out laughing. “Oh my God, Sam. You’re really going to hell for that one.”

“Whatever.” I sat back down before I could launch another one.

“You seriously just punted an aborted fetus.”

“In effigy.” I closed my eyes tightly and held my head. “And I think it was more like a three-point conversion.”

“Yeah, you got some distance.”

“I think I should probably go home now.”

“I can take you. I’ll get back before Missy’s ready to go.”

“No, I mean home home.”

Kevin gave me a weak smile. “Yeah. I’ll take you back to the house.” He stood up and jingled his keys. “Are you going to fix that cross?”

I gave him a look and headed toward the parking lot. “No. Are you?”

Five hours later, I lay naked in my bed next to Lisa. Ollie had been gnawing on a yak cheese chew down the hall for a good amount of time.

“How was this morning?”

“Hmm. I told off the pastor for collecting money for a pray-the-gay-away camp, dropped the f-bomb, told the congregation that God was a she and that I take Venmo, and booted a cross that was supposed to memorialize an abortion.”

“So pretty good.”

“My mother is never going to speak to me again.”

Lisa sat up. “Wait, you’re serious?”

I closed my eyes. “Yes.”

“Whoa.”

“My mother is never going to speak to me again.”

“How about the rest of your family?”

I honestly had no idea. “My brother thinks I’m a rock star, but I’m not sure about my dad and Missy. They’re embarrassed for me, I’m sure.”

“I’m going to start with this. How does Venmo play into this?”

Before I could say anything, absolute exhaustion washed over me. This wasn’t just after-sex spent, this was drained to the bone. It was like even opening my mouth was going to expend so much energy I’d die. I supposed I’d made the scene and driven home before that sex, but I really didn’t see it coming. I stared at the ceiling, saying nothing.

Lisa lay back down. “Sam?”

“Sorry. It just hit me that I’m so tired. I can’t explain.”

She waited for a long time. “Okay, maybe not Venmo.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be frustrating. I probably just need to process this.” Over the next couple of minutes, I gave Lisa a nutshell version of what I’d done. I wanted to give her more background, to tell her about all the bullshit I’d been through there, but that was too much. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and I hated that. I wanted to feel bold and vindicated. I wanted to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did the right thing. Honestly, I just wanted to sleep.