Page 77 of Life, Love, and Other Messes

I stared at my phone. I didn’t respond, which was okay, because I could tell she was still typing.

Like one of those moments that the universe is telling me to say you’re awesome.

This was nothing like any conversation I’d ever had with Jace. We were almost always sheer business. I almost asked if she was having a stroke.

Anyway, I was sitting there staring at my phone, pondering this, and I got an email from the Stonewalls.

I started to shake. What?

You’re a finalist, Sam. Congratulations.

Oh my God. You’re serious? They’d never been interested in anything I’d submitted. I applied every year though, and it had finally paid off?

I’m serious. I’m serious about the whole thing. My wife thought I was losing my shit.

Wow. I really needed this today. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. Thank you.

Winners are announced in February. I’ll talk to you when I hear more. Look for an email from the editor-in-chief.

Thank you so much. I sat back and ran my hand over my face. Ollie jumped up onto the sofa and started licking away my tears.

You’re welcome, kiddo. Like the universe said, you’re awesome!

A second week passed. The Stonewalls helped a little, but I hadn’t heard from Lisa and I still hadn’t gotten a hold of my mother. I’d never felt so lonely in my life. Even Ollie moped around, and trudged stoically on his walks. We avoided Lisa’s street.

Catherine had been out of town and I hadn’t seen her since before the party. I wasn’t looking forward to our appointment. I sat on the right side of the sofa Tuesday morning, noticing the pattern in the dark blue and red for the first time. I carefully tucked the pillow next to me, felt the familiar squish beneath my elbow. The office felt smaller somehow, and when Catherine sat down, she felt closer. As I thought about it, she picked up my chart, crossed her legs at the knee, and twirled her pen a few times. “Are you on your meds?”

I nodded.

“I thought so but I wasn’t sure this time. What happened?”

“I’m a finalist for the Stonewall awards.”

“Congratulations. Now what happened?”

I looked around the room, focused on Catherine’s diplomas. Her middle name was Tess. The clock ticked, but for the first time ever, Catherine didn’t say anything snarky about paying for the time.

I barely heard her voice. “Sam?”

I opened my mouth twice but nothing would come out. My brain spun like it did when I couldn’t write, like nothing it would come up with could translate to words. “I alienated my mother,” I finally said. “And I broke up with Lisa.” Before I knew what was happening, I felt the tears on my cheeks. I’d talked about my mother, I’d talked about Veronica, I’d talked about Jackson Hardeman, but I’d never before cried in a therapy session.

I could tell that Catherine was very aware of that. She handed me the box of tissues off her side table and watched me with big eyes.

“I broke up with Lisa,” I repeated. Hearing the words out loud somehow made them more real and I hated them with a vengeance. “I couldn’t keep myself from the same shit. I couldn’t do it.”

“Did you have a fight? Did you want to break up with her at the time?”

“No.” My voice sounded as agonized as I felt. “I just had to do it.”

“Okay, which came first?”

“My mother.”

Catherine nodded. “Let’s talk about that first. Was this at the party?”

“Church the next morning.”

I saw her jaw twitch. “Okay.”