Page 79 of Life, Love, and Other Messes

“Oh, now my hormones are fucked up too. Bonus.”

“Perimenopause,” Catherine said, smirking a bit. “I think this will really help. And if it doesn’t, we’ll go back to where we are now. Deal? I’ll call it in right away.”

I nodded. “I’ll go to the pharmacy today.”

“Good. You can get through this. Like I said, I’m very proud of you for standing up for yourself. That church has been such a source of trauma in your life. Things will be okay with your mother…It might take a while, but she will come around. She needs you in her life.”

“She’ll have to find someone else to needle in the interim.”

Catherine smiled. “Exactly, and they probably won’t be as fun as you. The number one thing I want you to do, though, is to talk to Lisa.”

“God. I can’t.”

“You can, and you need to. This was the first time I’ve seen you cry, Sam. You know you need this relationship.”

“I’ve fucked up this relationship. It’s gone.”

“That would seriously surprise me.”

I looked at my hands. “My time is up.”

Catherine sighed and stood up. “Two weeks, or do you need to come back in one?”

“Two is fine unless the med change fucks me up.”

“It will not fuck you up. Hang in there.”

For the first time, I did the walk of shame through the waiting room to the receptionist desk, trying to hide my tear stains by watching the carpet in front of me. Fortunately, there were only two people in there, and the receptionist scheduled me for two weeks without paying much attention.

I sat in the car outside for a long time. I told myself it was to give Catherine time to call in my prescription so I could pick it up on the way home, but I knew it was really because I didn’t know where to go. She would have liked me to go straight to Lisa’s but I wasn’t about to do that, and she was at work anyway. An absurd scene out of some movie popped into my head of showing up at St. Mark’s and waiting in the doorway to her classroom until she looked up, locked eyes with me, and dropped her copy of Bryan the Backhoe to throw her arms around me. In reality, she’d probably push her panic button and put the school in lockdown until the cops came to arrest me. Go home, Sam. Go home and take a nap and when you get up, your new meds will be ready.

I woke up feeling a little better the next morning. I was pretty sure the higher dose couldn’t have kicked in so quickly even though I’d swallowed a new pill the previous afternoon right after I’d picked them up from the pharmacy. I stared out the bedroom window, watched the clouds and treetops. Ollie was sound asleep at the foot of the bed. I picked up my phone to check the time, and sat up with a jolt. It was Wednesday.

Fuck fuck fuck, my alarm hadn’t gone off. My first class started in twenty-five minutes and it was a twenty-minute drive. I threw off the covers, ran to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth, and grabbed the first clothes I saw. Ollie blinked at me dolefully from beneath my comforter. “Come on, boy. Out. Now. We have to hurry.”

Ollie hauled himself out of bed with a big stretch and yawn, then took his time walking to the kitchen. I followed him, encouraging him to go a little faster, buttoning and zipping my pants at the same time. While he was in the backyard, I took my meds and ran a brush through my hair. By the time I had shoes on, Ollie was ready to come in, so I grabbed a handful of treats, scattered them inside his crate, and nudged him in. I wished I had time to give him a decent breakfast, but it would have to do.

I was halfway to the college when I realized I’d left my purse at home. I had my laptop and binder, though, so I took the edge off of my speed and kept an eye on the rearview mirror for cops. I needed to get gas, but all I could do was hope it could wait until I was home again.

Classes were starting by the time I pulled into a parking spot, but several people were still going in. I wanted to run, but I joined them, walking as quickly as I could. I’d never been late before, and I knew my students would pick on me for it the rest of the semester.

Fortunately, it was December, because they were brutal. Did I have a late night? Was I transfixed by my daily morning news show? Was I having an intense breakfast with Mr. Dean from across the hall? I told them flat out they were barking up the wrong tree, which made them even more gleeful. I didn’t tell them that Mr. Dean was gay, too. Once I was riled, it was hard to calm down. I was twitchy through the entirety of my first class, then crashed hard in my second class. I needed a cup of coffee. I needed time to clear my head. I needed a lobotomy.

I didn’t stop by to see Vera after class. I sat in the drive-thru line at Starbucks for ten minutes before remembering that I didn’t have my phone either. Of course, nobody paid it forward that day and there was a curb around the drive-thru, so I had to explain to the person taking orders, then the person at the window that I forgot my money and I was just stuck. I kind of hoped they’d feel bad for me and give me something for free, but I returned home with my tail between my legs and made my own coffee.

I spent the afternoon at the computer, trying to get my manuscript in shape to send to Jace. I actually enjoyed editing; it wasn’t the hard part. I loved the feeling of having the flesh and bones finished, and just needing to switch out a different outfit here and there to make things better. I realized it was after five when Ollie barked pointedly at me, ran down the hall, and danced around his harness and leash.

“Okay, buddy.” I stretched out, hit save, and wandered into my bedroom for my shoes, my mind still fuzzy with the scene I’d been working on. I thought about grabbing my earbuds, but I just hooked Ollie up and started down the walk, letting my novel rattle around in my brain.

Twenty minutes later, I stopped at the corner of Kirkwood and looked down Lisa’s street. Her car was in the drive, but I didn’t see her in the yard. I was going to keep moving in the direction I’d been heading, but Ollie tugged me along. I supposed we hadn’t been that way in a few days, and it couldn’t hurt to just walk past her house. If I was going to continue to live in that neighborhood, I couldn’t avoid it forever. Anyway, Ollie’s favorite pine tree was in that direction.

I stayed on the opposite side of the street, which was something we never did. Ollie stepped off the sidewalk over and over to try to get me to cross, but I wasn’t going to bite. I was just going to sneak us past, nice and quiet, and maybe just have a quick peek to see if she was in the living room.

That was when Ollie took off. The leash yanked taut with a jolt and I stumbled down the curb. There was no stopping; I broke into a run to try to keep up. I had no time to check either direction, and if there were any cars, they didn’t hit us. I couldn’t get my balance, and felt my torso way ahead of my legs, my arm leading the parade. Before I could see the opposite curb, my toe caught on it, and I found myself on my face in Lisa’s neighbor’s lawn, still in forward motion. I was dragged for a few feet, then the leash unwound from my wrist and Ollie ran free.

Oh my God. I panicked, but it was impossible to act on it. The wind was knocked out of me, there was grass in my mouth, and all I could do was watch Ollie gallop away, leash flying behind him. I had no idea what came next. He’d run out the front door before, but he rarely strayed farther than the neighbor’s yard. All kinds of horrible scenarios hurtled through my brain. He could get hit by a car. He could run too far and never find his way home. Visions of lost dog signs on telephone poles danced before my eyes.

Finally, finally, I could take a tiny breath. I was attempting to pick myself up when I heard footsteps on the driveway. Four furry black paws and two New Balance tennis shoes appeared from around the shrubbery. “Hey.”