Page 23 of A Future To Remember

“Not around here. We’re a God-fearing town.”

I stared at him in confusion. Something about the revelation that Evansville was a “God-fearing” town set me off. Not angrily, but in a way that made me really uncomfortable. Maybe even scared for my safety. I’d have to be careful. I’d have to watch what I said.

“Sorry,” I offered. But I wasn’t. I felt like I liked to swear. And that made me wonder, given his reaction, was I an asshole? What if I was one of those people who swore just to get a rise out of others because I liked having that power?

I sighed, so frustrated. I didn’t just not remember my name; I didn’t remember who I was.

“Hey,” he said, misinterpreting the sigh. “It’s okay. Just rein in the cuss words and you’ll be all right. God’s in the forgivin’ business.”

Again, a jolt of alarm went through me. Did everyone in this town speak like that? Like they operated under His eye?

Wait, where had I heard that before? “‘Under His eye,’” I said, looking hopefully at Cash. Maybe he’d heard it too, and we could trace it to something connected to me.

“Under who’s eye?”

Damn. Swing and a miss. “Nobody’s. Sorry. These random thoughts keep coming to me without context. I’m just trying to work them out.”

Cash grunted, like he understood.

Wanda turned her attention back to us and asked, “Sodas?”

Cash nodded, so I did too. “I’ll take a Dr Pepper, Wanda.”

“That sounds great,” I agreed. It occurred to me that I loved Dr Pepper.

Wanda smiled kindly and headed over to the fountain to fill some glasses with ice and pop.

Pop, I thought. “Pop,” I repeated.

“You remember something?” Cash asked.

I pointed to Wanda. “She said ‘soda,’ but in my mind, I thought ‘pop.’ Is that a regional thing?”

Cash shrugged. “You hear both around here. One’s as common as the other.”

I sighed and put both hands to my forehead. I had a killer headache. The doctor told me I’d likely have them off and on for a while. “Why can’t I just remember?” I muttered.

“What’s that?”

I eyed the sheriff, feeling so dispirited. “It’s so frustrating, Cash. I know I love Dr Pepper and grilled cheese sandwiches and Thai food, but if you asked me what my favorite color is, I don’t know that I could tell you. And I know my favorite actor is a toss-up between Neal McDonough and Daniel Craig, but I don’t think I could name a movie either one has been in. And, worst of all, there’s someone I know I’m in love with. Someone I cry about at night, but I don’t know who or where he might be. I’m heartbroken over someone I don’t remember. It’s driving me crazy!”

“I bet,” he said. “But Maddy, it’s not gonna come if you try to force it. You gotta just let it come.”

My eyes stung with sudden tears. “But what if it doesn’t?”

He sighed as Wanda set down our drinks. “You can’t think like that. You gotta have hope. And patience.”

I pointed at him. “See, that’s the thing, Cash. I swear to God, I’m not a patient person, but I don’t know how I know that.”

“So, what you’re telling me is that there’s a clump of knowledge about yourself that you do know or remember, and a clump of knowledge about yourself that you can’t remember. Do I have that right?”

“Yes. That’s it. That’s it exactly.”

“Maddy, I don’t think the problem is as big as you think it is. If you focus on the stuff that you know about yourself without having to think about it, you’ll start to build bridges into the clump of knowledge that you can’t remember. The bridges are memories. Maybe some are really small, like little islands, and if you start to find them, then you can build bridges that connect those little islands until you reach the mainland of all your memories, and somewhere on that mainland is your true identity.

“I doubt it’s gonna be a situation where one day you wake up and just remember everything about yourself, but maybe you can start with the grilled cheese and work your way up from there.”

“Yeah, sure, Cash, I understand all that in theory, but in practice, how do I go about doing that?”