Page 48 of One Waltz with the Viscount

As the carriage started to roll away she closed her eyes, feeling an unmistakable wrench in her chest as her heart broke a little.

‘If this were a book he would come running after me, throw himself into the carriage and declare his undying love for me,’ she murmured to herself. But the carriage doors stayed firmly closed and there was no sound of running footsteps. Sarah sighed, hating herself for even entertaining a little bit of hope.

She told herself it had been worth it. She had been unable to sit back and let Lord Routledge sacrifice himself into a loveless marriage when he deserved so much more. He might ignore everything she had said, but at least she could continue her life with a clear conscience.

Chapter Fifteen

Henry was a mess. He hadn’t slept at all, choosing instead to spend the night walking home from Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens, and then, once he had reached his rooms, pacing the floor. He felt restless and agitated, so on edge he couldn’t even sit down.

Again and again he replayed the events of the evening in his mind. He saw Miss Shepherd’s worried face as she had plucked up the courage to tell him what she thought of his future plans. He heard each and every one of her words over and over. He could remember them entirely, as if they were seared into his brain. She had been bold, pulling apart his every decision of the last few years. Then he had pulled her onto the dance floor and they had danced that intense waltz, spinning and twirling until all he could think about was how much he wanted her but how he could never have her.

When she had run he had found it difficult to follow, until he had realised she’d slipped into the darkness of the gardens. Then concern for her safety had become paramount.

He had winced every time he remembered their kiss, ashamed at the passion-filled but insistent way he had kissed her. She was right, he had been angry with her, and he shouldn’t have taken her in his arms whilst he was angry.

It was an impossible situation. Miss Shepherd was exactly the sort of woman he had vowed never to get entangled with again. Though if he dared to think about a future between them, he was not worried about her betraying him. Despite his poor experience with Anne, he knew Miss Shepherd was a good and sweet young woman without a malicious bone in her body. What he worried about was having a life set apart from the rest of society, without having anywhere to fit in, and the toll it would take on both of them.

He shook his head, disbelievingly. He shouldn’t even be thinking about the pros and cons of a life with Miss Shepherd. He’d only known the woman a few days.

Henry stopped pacing for a moment and looked out the window. It was going to be another glorious day. Already the sky was bright and cloudless, the sun bouncing off the windows of the houses across the street. He wished it was enough to distract him, but thoughts of Miss Shepherd were still there.

He knew he needed to think on the things Miss Shepherd had said. These past two years he’d tried to become more reflective, taking his time to come to decisions and weigh up the evidence and facts. She was right in that she did not have any motive to lie to him. If everything went to plan, she would be out of his life in a few days, never to return. Her comment that he deserved a life filled with love had come from a place of kindness—friendship, perhaps. He did not think she was scheming to get him to propose to her. Despite his indiscretions with Miss Shepherd, he did not think she was angling for marriage.

Groaning, he remembered how they had parted the night before. Miss Shepherd had looked green with regret and anxiety as she had settled herself onto the carriage seat. He should have accompanied her back to her rooms, it would have been the right thing to do. Instead he had sent her off alone, albeit having paid the carriage driver to deliver her to her door.

‘Enough,’ he murmured. He stopped his pacing in front of the window. Today he would do as he had promised, he would take Miss Shepherd to visit the man they believed to be her father. Hopefully the old man would know where Miss Shepherd’s errant sister was, and before the day was done the two sisters would be reunited.

He felt a trickle of panic that, after today, there would be no further reason to see Miss Shepherd again. He would have no excuse to postpone searching for a suitable wife any longer, and Miss Shepherd would be making her way to Kent to take up her position as a music teacher.

It was still early when he took to the streets, walking briskly so that no one would think about stopping him. As he walked he allowed himself to consider further Miss Shepherd’s words the night before. When she’d said them, all he could think of was the feeling of pain and disbelief, but now, with a little distance, some of her points started to resound within him.

These last two years he had worked so hard to recover from the tragedy of not only Anne’s death, but also the unhappiness in the marriage. Before their marriage he had trusted his instincts, valued his own judgement, and then to find out neither was reliable was a heavy blow. Now he analysed everything carefully, weighing it up from every direction, and yet he still didn’t trust his feelings. Only cold, hard facts were allowed.

He wondered if she was right, if in a few years’ time he would regret putting his own wants and needs aside, choosing a bride who would satisfy his father. Marriages were made for worse reasons amongst the ton, and even those that started loveless could develop into a union with mutual respect and affection. Love was not the only positive thing in a marriage.

He supposed it was possible that in a few years he would meet someone and wonder what his life would have been like with them, someone who turned his world upside down, but that was true of everyone. Henry was a loyal person, he would never allow anything to happen to betray his wife, even if he didn’t love her.

You’ve already met her, the little voice in his head told him.

In frustration, he shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thought. He did not love Miss Shepherd, he could not. They had only known one another for a few days, and he was not foolish enough to think you could fall in love in that time, not any more.

He was thankful when he arrived outside her lodging house off Fleet Street, wondering if it was too early to knock, but approaching the front door all the same. She had waited long enough to find her sister—today she would get some answers.

Sarah watched Lord Routledge approach from her window. She was only a little surprised to see him. Despite all that had happened between them the evening before, Lord Routledge was a man of his word. He’d promised to take her to see this Sir William, to ascertain if he really was her father, and if he’d had any contact with Selina in the past few weeks. She felt strangely optimistic about it—not about meeting her father, but hopeful that she might pick up her sister’s trail once again.

She hurried downstairs, hoping to get to the door before her landlady. She threw open the door before Lord Routledge could knock. It left him standing on the top step, hand raised, staring at her in surprise.

‘Good morning, Miss Shepherd,’ he said. He looked terrible, or at least terrible for him. His face was pale and his hair ruffled, and she wondered if he had slept at all.

‘Good morning, my lord.’

‘Are you ready?’

‘Yes,’ she said, searching his face, wondering if he was going to say anything about the previous evening. But he remained silent and impassive. She took her time putting on her bonnet, wishing her fingers were not shaking so much as she tied the ribbon under her chin.

She pulled it low so that she shielded the top half of her face, hoping he would not be able to see her expression from his vantage point.

They walked in silence, covering a mile through the London streets without talking. Sarah felt nervous—she did not really want to meet the man who had probably abandoned her mother all those years ago. If it was her choice, she would happily go through life without knowing anything about him. She did not wish to have any sort of relationship with such a man, especially not one under these circumstances.