Page 40 of True Colors

He nods, steps back, then tries again, quieter. “I shouldn’t have stepped in like that.”

I swallow, humiliation washing over me. “You f-finished for me.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I thought I was helping, but I wasn’t. I should’ve waited.” His face is a map of suffering and remorse, every line showing it.

I nod. I do understand. Intent isn’t the problem. Impact is.

He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’ve told me before. I didn’t listen well enough.”

“I can h-handle the silence,” I tell him softly. “I just need people to l-let me.”

He meets my eyes. “I will. I promise.”

And I believe him. I do, but it doesn’t change how I feel right now. It doesn’t assuage my pain, my shame.

I go into a privacy room that is used for conference calls and lock the door. My heart is beating fast. I’m having some kind of panic attack layered in with a deep sense of devastation.

I’m not good enough for this job. Maybe I shouldn’t even try. I should just crunch numbers and hide in the darkness like I used to.

Why am I putting myself through this?

Because you want to be seen, Anouk. You don’t want to hide anymore just because you have a stutter.

But the world is so unforgiving. This doesn’t surprise me. I don’t expect grace from a world that turned its back on me and⁠—

My phone rings. I look at the screen and a scream locks in my throat. Not today. I don’t have the energy for this today.

I know this number. Central California Women's Facility in Chowchilla.

I answer, “Hello.”

“Is this Miss Anouk Starling?”

I lick my lips. “Yes.”

“Miss Starling, I’m Warden Penn Sansbury.”

I hold the phone tightly in my hand. I’ve been waiting for this call, I think, for my whole life.

“Okay.”

“Your mother…ah Cristina Booth….”

He falls silent then.

“Is she…is she…?” Dead?

“She’s in the hospital,” he says carefully. “The doctor says she doesn’t have a lot of time left. She wants to see you.”

I clear my throat. “What…wh-what’s wrong with her?”

“Pancreatic cancer.”

I take deep breaths as I sit stiffly.

“You’re my daughter, Anouk. Mine. Okay?”

“Mama, don’t hurt Daddy. Mama, please.”