Page 123 of Break Out the Girl

I hate my body. Dirty, double-crossing, dick. I’ll cut it off.

Maggots.

Rotten meat.

Ear hair.

Make it go away.

“MAKE IT GO AWAY!”

Where am I?

On my knees in the frozen mud.

“London, oh baby. It’s alright, you’re safe. You’re here with me…can I hold you?”

Kitten. I fling my arms around her like I’m lost at sea and she’s my little life-buoy. There’s a wailing noise surrounding us. A fog horn from a ship in a storm?

“Ssh, it’s OK, I’m here, I love you.”

The wailing gets less when I realize it’s coming from my own mouth, echoing out into the gray woods.

A tear falls down my face when I realize my beautiful globe popped. Of course it did. Beautiful things are not for London. I bury my face into her fluffy shoulder, and try to clamp my jaws together. My teeth are click-clacking so much they might break.

“Can you talk to me, babe? Talk me through what’s in your mind?”

Can I?

My teeth might fall out.

But, but for Kitten, it would be worth it.

“O-o-K-k.”

She cups either side of my chin until the wobbles get under control. I swallow and nod. “Ready,” I whisper.

“Take your time.”

I clutch hold of her hand. I’m really going to do this.

Say this.

Three, two, one,

Go.

“I tried so hard to never let it happen,” I mumble. “Never, never, never. I didn’t like it, but sometimes, sometimes my horrible weeny would get all stiff. They’d point at it and say I loved what was happening—but I didn’t, Kitten. I promise you I didn’t.”

‘See how much he’s enjoying his little treat. Must want more…’

“I know you didn’t. None of it was your fault.” Her hands reach out, and she stokes my face gently, but it doesn’t stop me shaking my head.

“I’d scream at my body to keep frozen. Sometimes it worked, but if it didn’t I’d punish myself.” Punish it for being bad and dirty.

Rubber bands wrapped so tight that maybe the whole bad thing would fall off.

“London. Listen to what I am saying to you,” she whispers, her thumbs wiping away the sneaky tears on my cheeks. “Those monsters stole your choice, and stole your body, but we are not going to let them win. They’re not going to steal anything more. From this day forward, everything that happens to your body is for you to decide.”