Page 19 of Delirium 2

I bit down on my bottom lip, closed the refrigerator door, and sized him up, defensively. Why? I didn’t know. I just… I wasn’t used to people taking care of me. So much was happening so fast and I couldn’t really wrap my mind around it. The last and only person who’d honestly, truly taken care of me since the stuff with my parents had been Meech. So… I was a little timid. Defensive even. Slow to take help because to me, a helping hand meant charity. And I didn’t need that. With Meech’s death, it felt like pity to. This job… the money… it felt like Exodus was doing all of these things because he pitied me. Now he was talking about make a list. Make a list for what? I didn’t need people shopping for me.

I took in a deep breath and fiddled with the string dangling from the sleeve of my hoodie. “I’m cool. I have food at the house that I can bring,” I lied.

I barely had food there. A carton of eggs I’d been eating off every day, a pack of off brand American cheese, and ham I needed to throw out. I was talking like I had food in that bitch, knowing good and damn well a trip to the grocery store was needed. I planned on taking one—I just didn’t want him to do it.

He squinted at me, crossing his arms over his broad chest. Slowly, his eyes swept over me. As if he was trying to figure me out. “Why would you bring food from the crib if you’re about to be staying here? As a matter of fact… you might as well call buddy up and put in a notice about moving.”

I swallowed. Wringed my fingers and looked off into the distance. I had to move. It was necessary. I could not and would not sleep another day in that apartment but my God it was hard to let go. It was crazy. How much I desired change just to be hit with so much of it and end up afraid. What if… what if this didn’t work out? What if something went really wrong with this arrangement and I needed to leave? What if I needed to go back to Coney? I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have any place to live. Nowhere to call home. Maybe… I… I needed to call Marvin to see if he could relocate me? Maybe I could… I don’t know… sage the space? Clean the ceiling? Scrub the floor where ‘she’ puddled?

Giving into this… Settling in to this… this new life… it was scary. It was almost as if God was pushing me out of my comfort zone. It was almost as if He was giving me exactly what I’d been asking for, for years. Except He was giving it to me in a way I wasn’t comfortable with.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. Not to him. Kind of to myself. When he responded, I rolled my eyes, hating he’d heard me.

“You don’t know what?”

I looked up at him and fiddled with my crystal. “Nothing.”

He sighed. “If you don’t know what you wanna do, you need to tell me that.”

I looked down at the tiled floor. Was it marble?

“It’s not that,” I said with a slight attitude. Taking a deep breath, I checked myself. My frustration had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with life itself. “It’s not that,” I repeated, fixing my tone. “I just… I don’t know about this. What if it doesn’t work out then… I won’t have anywhere to go and⁠—”

“Why wouldn’t it work out?” He interrupted, eyeing me up and down again.

I shrugged. “Life is unpredictable.”

“Nah… facts,” he said. “I understand. The Woods ain’t for you tho’. I’ll get on with Rocc… see if he can find you a spot out here⁠—”

“I can’t afford Wildermere.”

“Three racks a week… you can afford Wildermere. If you want to waste yo’ cheese on a spot, by all means make sure it’s outside of the fuckin’ Woods, shorty.”

I wrapped my arms around my body again and thought about what he said.

4

EXODUS

From the kitchen island, I watched Sereia work on my ma’s hair, noticing how she talked to her regardless of ma’s silence. Every now and then she’s smile and giggle too. Because the TV was on, I couldn’t hear what the conversation was about. Didn’t matter. I was just glad to see she was treating my ma like a human being. Not only that but shorty experienced something traumatic today but still managed to do her job with a smile and even a laugh every now and then. I appreciated it but I didn’t like it. She was a young woman but obviously numb to tragedy. That hardens a muthafucka. That didn’t sit well with me.

With a deep breath, I looked away from them and put my attention on the MacBook in front of me. I was handling logistics. We had a shipment going out to Detroit in a couple of days and I needed to delegate and verify the contents. Contents that were disguised as new band equipment, and a new pew. I mean, they were there but tucked inside of the items were things that shouldn’t have been there. Cocaine. Fent. Weed. Guns. The shipment was overly loaded and ready to take off within the next couple of days. All I needed was a signature from Solomon after I verified what needed to be verified. Barcode numbers and shit like that.

Rubbing my eyes, I reached over and grabbed my prescription Cartier’s. After sliding them on, I went back to verifying numbers and sent it over to Solo. Once I was done with that one, I did the same for two more shipments. One for Saginaw, the other for Flint. I was busy and would have worked out of the crib if it weren’t for me needing to be here.

Rocc called me while he was in The Woods, picking Sereia up. When I heard what happened, I packed up and drove over to my mom’s. I needed to check in on her. Tried to but Sereia was a hard ass. Wasn’t the type to wear her emotions on her skin. She buried them. Reminded me a lot of myself, honestly. Because I knew what that did to a person, I wanted to keep a close eye on her. Not only because she was taking care of my OG but because oddly, I gave a fuck about where her mental was at. Pressure bursts pipes and she was under a lot of it. But still… she managed to smile and handle OG as if nothing was bothering her. Some would say that was commendable—I thought it was sad. As a woman, she should have been allowed to rest in her feminine energy. She should have been allowed to feel what she felt instead of burying it. That’s what I wanted for Sereia. For her to handle her shit in a healthy way.

My phone went off.

Picking it up, I turned it over to check it. Jada. I clenched down on my teeth and ignored the call. She was bugging. Had been bugging since I put her ass out. When Rocc helped her move, she cried to him too. Talked to him, begging him to talk to me like that would make a difference. I didn’t make decisions lightly. If I made a decision it was meticulously thought out and all variables were considered. Regardless of how I handled decision-making, Rocc could have never talked me out of sending her packing. Fuck she thought this was? I didn’t answer to anybody. Nobody but Big G.

After the ringing stopped, a text message came through. A long one that mirrored the one she’d just sent last night. A lot of begging and apologizing. She mentioned how what happened had her mind gone. Vaguely. Because she knew better, she didn’t go into detail but because I knew what’d happened, I knew what she was talking about. I didn’t reply. Left her on read and stuffed the phone back into my pocket.

With a deep breath, I ran my hand over the top of my head and got back to the numbers. However, I couldn’t focus. Jada was at the front of my mind and that shit bothered the fuck out of me. I clenched down on my teeth, closed the laptop and stared off, arms crossed over my chest. Closing my eyes, I took another deep breath and shook my head.

I didn't want to take it there with shorty. I didn’t want to be forced in a situation I didn’t want to be in. But if Jada kept at it, she’d force my hand and I wouldn’t hesitate to take her life. It wouldn’t be passionate. I wouldn’t put in as much work. Just… something quick. Smooth and easy. But shit, I didn’t want to do that. However, she was unstable as fuck. Holding on to a nigga who had never wanted to be held on to. Jada knew me though. She knew me well enough and because of that, I felt like she would tread lightly and eventually get her emotions in check. If not… yeah, I’d be adding another body to my roster. Thing was, I didn’t want to do that. I’d have to do that because my peace… shit was just as important to me as breathing.

Grabbing my MacBook, I stood from the island and headed down into the living room. Sensing me coming, Sereia’s braiding slowed, and she glanced over at me. The smile on her face softened and her shoulders went ridged. She was defensive. Always defensive when we were face-to-face. Tensed and headstrong like she had something to prove. Like she wanted me to know that despite my stature, she wasn’t intimidated. What she didn’t realize was that, that showed intimidation. She just… she needed to relax. Especially since I’d only shown her the soft side of me since we met.