Page 119 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

I’ve seen lots of men die.

And I’ve wanted it every time.

But not this time.

I don’t want this.

‘You shouldn’t have come out here alone,’ I say, holding his hand in my lap. ‘What were you thinking?’

He coughs. Something dark and liquidy slides out of his mouth. ‘Can you forgive me?’

I’ve seen enough men die to know that he hasn’t got long.

His skin is already slick and waxy, the colour has drained from his face. He stares up at the ceiling as if he’s watching something play out on it.

‘Kitty …’

I grip his hand tighter. ‘Of course I forgive you. Of course I do.’

He’s trying to say something else but his voice is so raspy now that I can’t make it out.

I lean my ear against his mouth.

‘What is it, Travis?’

‘Lawman,’ he says, his eyelids fluttering. I can feel him fighting to stay with me. Fighting and losing.

‘Police? You want me to go to the police?’

His eyes flutter again. ‘No … lawman … Kitty.’

‘Okay, no police. No police. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you.’

His eyes flutter closed and I pull his head into my lap, gently stroking his hair as he lets out his final breath.

64

Cort’s abandoned cabin, Wonder Valley, California

Antoinette comes over to where I’m crouched, cradling Travis’s head in my lap. She puts her hands on my shoulders.

‘Is he … ?’

I look up at her, nodding through my tears. ‘Yes.’

‘Oh fuck,’ she says. ‘I’m so sorry.’

I wipe my eyes roughly with the back of my hand. ‘Poor Travis.’

‘Poor Travis,’ Antoinette echoes.

Just then a noise from what was once the front door startles us. It’s Lauren.

Alive.

Unharmed.

Thank God.