Page 18 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

That’s weird. It’s still early in London.

‘Hey,’ she says as her face appears on my screen. It breaks my heart all over again when I see the bruising and swelling.

‘Hey you,’ I say, hoping she doesn’t hear the wobble in my voice. ‘How’s it going?’

‘I couldn’t sleep,’ she says. ‘I thought you might be around.’ She sounds so sad that my heart cracks even more.

‘I’m here,’ I say. ‘What’s going on? Is your mum there?’

Tor shakes her head, wincing again. ‘She had to go off for something to do with work. She said she’d be back later.’

‘You’re by yourself?’

‘Yes, Maisie’s been brilliant but she’s still struggling with really bad morning sickness.’ Maisie’s pregnant with twins and hasn’t been having the easiest of times with it. Almost every time I speak to her she has to end the call because she needs to throw up. Either that or her face is all red and sweaty because she’s just been throwing up.

‘I can’t believe you’re by yourself,’ I say. ‘I wish I was there.’

‘It’s fine,’ Tor says. ‘I only really need to leave my room to use the loo. My ribs don’t hurt quite as much anymore so moving around is okay. Anyway, they’ve given me loads of really decent painkillers.’ She attempts a laugh but it comes out sounding strangled.

Something’s really wrong.

‘What’s happened, Tor?’ I say gently. ‘Why can’t you sleep?’

Even through the pixelated screen and the thousands of miles between us I can see her eyes fill up with tears.

‘I’m scared to,’ she says in a voice so quiet I can barely hear.

‘Scared?’ I say. ‘Tor, you don’t need to be scared. Aidan can’t hurt you. He’s over here.’

The tears fall from her eyes and she quickly raises a hand to wipe them away. ‘Is he though?’ she says. ‘And even if he is, try telling that to my subconscious. It won’t stop dreaming about him.’ She gives a hollow little laugh. ‘Well, they’re nightmares really. Or flashbacks? I don’t know the difference. But every night, I go through the attack again and again. So now I’m too scared to sleep.’

‘Oh Tor,’ I say, wishing I could reach through the screen and wrap my arms around her. She shouldn’t be on her own.

‘Promise me you’ll find him, Kits,’ she says, her eyes full of plea. ‘I don’t know how I’ll have a normal life otherwise. How can I when he’s out there somewhere and he could be getting ready to finish me off?’ She covers her face with her hands. I can tell by the way her shoulders are shaking that she’s quietly crying behind them.

‘I’ll find him,’ I say. ‘I promise you, I’ll find him.’

Tor mumbles something before ending the call. She’s always hated for anyone to see her cry. She always says that crying is like going to the loo, we all do it but no one should see you.

‘I just can’t respect someone after I’ve seen them ugly cry or pee,’ she told me once.

She’s been through so much in the last couple of years but Aidan’s attack has fully broken her.

I can’t bear it.

I can’t break my promise to her.

I just can’t.

I don’t know how but we have to stay in LA.

We have to find Aidan Ward. If I have to knock on every single door in this entire city.

I can’t break that woman any more.

I look up from my phone and see Antoinette staring at me. She heard the whole thing.

‘I guess we’re staying then,’ she says.