Page 56 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

Antoinette is nodding.

I guess that’s exactly what it was.

‘Have you thought about seeing someone?’ Agnes asks. ‘Like a therapist?’

Antoinette and I lock eyes.

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I’ve tried out a few. None of them have been quite what I’m looking for.’

Agnes nods empathetically. ‘It can take some time to find the right therapist.’

She’s not fucking wrong.

‘Poor Travis,’ Antoinette says.

‘Poor Travis,’ I echo.

I’ve tried calling him and have sent him about a bazillion texts apologising and trying to explain myself. But, so far, crickets. He could still be lying on the sidewalk, nursing his love stones for all I know.

‘Jesus, what if I’ve damaged him for life?’ I wail. ‘What if he has to have a conversation with a future girlfriend about the possibility of them having kids being ruined by some unhinged British woman who kissed him then dealt him a death-blow to his danglies?’

Agnes is no longer able to hold her laughter in. She erupts in giggles, doubled-over, holding her chest. After a couple of moments she rises again, only to catch Antoinette’s eye. And then the pair of them are at it, cackling away like a couple of junior witches in an unruly coven.

‘It’s not funny,’ I say, but a laugh is already sneaking out of me. ‘I assaulted him. For literally nothing. I’m so embarrassed.’

‘He’ll get over it,’ Antoinette says. Then she adds darkly. ‘Women have to.’

Agnes nods in solidarity.

Then she looks at her Apple Watch. ‘Oh it’s late,’ she says. ‘I’d better get home. I need to spend tomorrow preparing for my meeting with Richard Stone. I don’t even know what I’m going to wear.’

‘I could come over and help you choose?’ Antoinette says and Agnes kisses her on the mouth.

‘That would be great. I’ll text you.’ She looks at me. ‘You’d both better go to bed too,’ she says. ‘Antoinette’s got a surprise for you in the morning.’

My sister bats her lashes angelically.

I narrow my eyes at her.

I hate surprises.

How doesn’t she know this about me?

31

The Solstice Studio rooftop, West Hollywood, Los Angeles

Why are all Antoinette’s surprises early mornings and exercise?

Why did I tell her that I enjoy them?

This is why you should never lie. Even a white one will come back and bite you on the arse.

Before the sun is even up.

I am not designed for early mornings. I am designed for waking up late morning, having a leisurely brunch and several vats of coffee before my day starts.

Mornings that begin at 5.45am have never been part of my life, so when Antoinette barged into my room at that god-forsaken hour earlier, demanding I get up, I may have thrown a few expletives her way. When I pulled the covers over my head, she pulled them back down and threw a few expletives of her own at me.