Page 68 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

She disappears down the hallway, an exhausted and slightly forlorn figure, leaving Antoinette and me in the kitchen with Lauren and Cort.

‘Did she tell you what happened?’ Lauren asks.

I nod. ‘Yeah. What a piece of shit.’

Lauren makes a noise of agreement and Cort lets out a loud performative sigh. Like he wants us to know that he is Very Deeply Concerned.

Lauren puts her hand on his arm. ‘What is it, baby?’ she says.

‘It’s just …’ he says, tucking a stray lock of hair that escaped from his bun behind his ear. ‘Women should never be put in that position. I just hate living in a society that commodifies female bodies. It’s disgusting.’

Antoinette gives me a look and presses her lips together until they go white. She reminds me of a cobra right before it pounces.

‘Right,’ I say.

Cort holds his hands over his heart. ‘But also, and I say this with love, so much love, we’ve got to talk about boundaries.’

Antoinette narrows her eyes at him. ‘Go on,’ she says but it sounds almost like a threat.

‘Agnes shouldn’t have gone alone,’ he says. ‘Men like that thrive on blurred lines. I tell Lauren all the time to protect her energy, don’t I, Lo?’ Lauren nods. ‘Don’t give men access they haven’t earned.’

‘It was literally an audition,’ Antoinette hisses. ‘You’re not meant to need an intimacy coordinator at a fucking job interview.’

Cort nods hard. ‘Totally,’ he says. ‘I hear you. I’m just saying that we need to coach our women to navigate these systems safely.’

‘Coach our women?’ Antoinette echoes in disbelief.

Cort ignores her and keeps going. I get the feeling that this is the sort of thing he always does. For someone who is apparently so here for the women, he talks over them a lot.

‘If Agnes ever wants to talk to a man about healthy masculinity, I’m here,’ he’s saying now, his hands still over his heart. ‘I’ve done the work.’ He looks around at the three of us as if he’s expecting us to applaud or something. We don’t. And he keeps talking. ‘Shadow work, mirror work. I’ve done rage circles with my men’s group.’

‘Jerk circles more like,’ I hear Antoinette mutter.

‘I’ve cried with so many brothers this year alone,’ Cort continues. ‘And I want to bring that healing and energy into my everyday life, you know. I want all men to be able to tap into those parts of themselves.’ He leans back now, stretching but somehow making it smug. ‘Predators like Richard Stone give all men a bad name. It’s embarrassing for those of us who are doing the work.’

I stare at him.

I know all of the words he’s just said but somehow they mean absolutely nothing.

Lauren closes her eyes. ‘Cort,’ she says. ‘Please stop talking.’

‘What? I’m just trying to bring some consciousness to the space.’

I see Lauren take a deep breath. She looks like a harassed mother of a toddler.

‘Come on, Kits,’ Antoinette says. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Oh stay,’ Lauren says. ‘Ignore him. He may be a self-proclaimed feminist ally but he just likes the sound of his own voice sometimes.’

Cort shrugs. ‘I can’t help it if I’m self-aware,’ he says.

Antoinette looks like she’s about to uncoil and strike.

I grab her arm.

‘Come on,’ I say. ‘We need to go.’

And we do.