Page 99 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

I can feel tears scratching at the back of my eyes. I don’t want to cry in front of Charlie so I mumble something about water and scurry back through to the kitchen, where I have no choice but to let them fall.

‘Kits?’ Charlie has followed me. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’

There’s so much I want to say to him, so much I’ve practised saying to him in my head, all those imagined conversations late at night.

But I can’t say anything.

I’m choking on tears.

And then his arms are around me and he’s pulling me into his chest.

‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.’

My heart sinks and joins the rest of my liquified insides as I think of the last time we were actually together like this. The terror in his eyes that turned to revulsion as he digested what I was, what I am. The back of his head as he walked out of the door, leaving me as crushed as every bone I’ve ever put through a meat grinder.

‘I didn’t just come because of what Tor said,’ he murmurs into my hair. ‘I missed you. Fuck, I missed you.’

‘I’m a murderer,’ I say because we’re so far past trying to sugar-coat any of this or tie it up with a nice ribbon. ‘I haven’t changed.’

He nods his head gently. ‘Maybe I have though.’ He lifts my chin so my eyes meet his and I can see the revulsion isn’t there anymore. That look that he drove through me like a sword. I don’t know what’s in its place but it’s softer. It’s something I want to see. It looks a lot like love. Or longing at the very least.

‘Really?’ I say. ‘You’ve changed so much that suddenly the thought of even being in the same room as a killer doesn’t make you want to throw your guts up? You’ve changed so much that everything you said to me in France doesn’t matter?’

He shrugs slightly, still not breaking eye contact. ‘I don’t know,’ he says again. ‘All I know is that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. And I know it’s a horrible cliché but every day there are just new things that I want to tell you. I keep turning around to say something to you and every time I realise you’re not there it hits me again.’

‘You blocked me.’ I say. ‘On everything!’

‘Because I couldn’t stop looking at your socials. And you know I hate socials.’ He really does hate socials. ‘I was spending every night just scrolling through your photos. My brother had to point out to me how unhealthy it was. And then …’ He pauses and takes a breath, ‘and then Tor called me and I just knew I had to come out here.’ He pauses again. ‘I still love you, Kitty. I never stopped loving you. Not for a minute. And, honestly, if you want me to turn right back around and get on the next plane home, I’ll do it. But I needed to tell you, to your face, that I love you.’

I let my head fall back against his chest. It’s so solid and warm that it makes me want to cry even more. He’s really here and he’s really telling me that he loves me.

He lifts my chin again, putting his hands on either side of my face. ‘Do you want me to go, Kitty?’

I shake my head and then his hands aren’t on my face anymore, they’re in my hair and his lips are on mine and I don’t know who kisses who first but he’s whispering into my mouth, asking me ‘Is this okay?’ and it’s more than okay.

It’s everything.

‘Fuck, I’ve missed you,’ he breathes and his hands are on my waist now as he lifts me up onto the table and I wrap my legs around him, pulling him to me, I can’t get him close enough. Even when he’s deep inside me and we’re inhaling each other, it’s still not close enough. I sink my nails into his back, trying to drive him even further into me, and he scratches at the skin on my neck with his teeth as we both try to devour each other. It’s the most intense fuck of my life. Also maybe the quickest. But that doesn’t matter when, minutes later, we’re staring at each other again like we can’t quite believe the other is real.

‘I’ve missed you too,’ I say finally.

‘That wasn’t supposed to happen like that,’ Charlie is saying as he retucks his T-shirt into his jeans and I pull my dress down. ‘I wanted to woo you properly.’

‘Woo me?’

‘Yes, I thought you’d like to be wooed.’

‘I think we were just very wooed,’ I say.

He smiles and kisses me on the top of my head. ‘Can we pretend that didn’t happen and can I ask you out for food?’

‘Charlie,’ I say gently. ‘My sister is missing and I’m really worried that something terrible has happened to her. It’s not really a good time to be going out for food.’

‘Let’s get takeout then,’ he says. ‘When was the last time you had anything to eat?’

I try to think but I honestly can’t remember. My stomach gives me away with a growl. But how can I think about something as basic as eating when Antoinette is missing?

‘Starving yourself isn’t going to help Antoinette,’ Charlie says, doing that annoying thing he’s always been able to do of reading my mind. ‘And you can tell me what’s happened.’