Page 210 of I’m The Worst

Not her.

Please…

Not her.

My throat tightens, and it hurts to breathe. I can’t imagine what comes after this. I don’t know how to wake up tomorrow if she’s gone. How to keep breathing. There isn’t a version of my life that exists without her anymore.

“I love you, AJ. I don’t care if you shoot me after this. I don’t care if you hate me until the day I die.”

Another tear falls. My voice is barely holding together. “Just…please don’t leave me.”

Her arm trembles violently.

Slowly…her fingers uncurl. The gun settles into my hand.

The second the cold metal touches my palm, every ounce of strength leaves my body. I exhale like I’ve been drowning for months and finally reached the surface. I flick the safety on and throw the gun onto the couch without looking away from her.

She crumples.

I catch her before she reaches the floor, dropping to my knees with her. My arms lock around her so tightly I’m afraid I’ll break her, but I can’t loosen them.

Not now.

Not ever again.

She buries her face against my neck, twisting fistfuls of my shirt in her hands as sob after sob tears out of her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I shot you.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I pull her impossibly closer, pressing my face into her hair as another tear slips free. “It doesn’t fucking matter.”

“But I shot you…”

“You’re alive. Do you hear me?” I cup the back of her head, holding her against my chest. “You’re alive. That’s all that fucking matters.”

She shakes her head against me, crying harder. “I’m so broken, Wolff.”

Closing my eyes, I hold her tighter.

“So am I. But you’re still here.” I ease her back just enough to look at her, brushing the hair away from her face with blood-smeared fingers. “You asked me once why I call you solnyshko. I call you that because that’s what you are. Sunshine.” My thumb catches a tear before it reaches her jaw. “You walked through hell. What happened to you should’ve turned you into somebody like me.”

My throat tightens. “But it didn’t. You still cried for people you didn’t know. You wanted to save a goddamn puppy. You still believed strangers deserved a chance. I hated you for it. I hated that every time I looked at you”—my forehead falls against hers—“you made me want to be better. Even when I know I can’t. You’re stronger than I ever was, AJ.”

She laughs through another sob. “I’m not.”

“You’ve lived through enough to make anybody stop believing in people, and somehow, you still have a heart.”

Mine stopped beating a long fucking time ago.

Silence settles between us, broken only by the rain pounding through the open doorway. I study her face more closely. Her pupils are still blown—too fucking big.

“What did you take?”

“Pills.”

“How many?”

“I…” She squeezes her eyes shut. “A lot.”

My gaze finds the empty vodka bottle lying beside the couch. “Fuck.”