Page 106 of Holding Onto Love

They sat for a long moment in silence. Vanessa coughed, then took a drink of her cold tea. She rubbed her palms on her skirt, still staring ahead. She was not saying no. He held onto that. He was afraid to ask her again, to push her, so he waited. She cleared her throat again.

“Will your coach take me to Cartmel?”

“To Cartmel? Why?”

“It’s where I live. I need to go home.”

He stared at her. Heart sinking. “Why?”

“I’m not hiding from you anymore, Jasper. But I have a life there. You haven’t asked me about it.”

“I would have. I want to know everything, Vanessa. You can’t think I am not desperately curious about what you’ve been doing. Tell me now.” He stroked her arm. “Talk to me.”

“Stop.” She jumped to her feet and stepped behind her chair. “Jasper, I need to think. Away from you. You make it all sound…possible.”

“Why isn’t it?”

“For you—for you it is. Because you’re a man. And an earl. But think of me. There will never be a time when the majority of your society, the people we must associate with, will not look upon me with scorn. Perhaps they won’t cut me openly. But I’ll know. I’ll feel their contempt.”

“Then we’ll stay in Chaumbers. I’ll vote by proxy. We’ll only associate with—”

“No! That is being ashamed. I won’t live in shame.”

He swallowed his pain. He could not make her life a misery.

“You are refusing me?”

“No. I mean…I don’t know.” She wrung her hands. “I can’t reason with myself when I’m here with you. I want to say yes. You can’t know how much. But we jumped into something once far too quickly. I don’t regret it. I don’t. But I’m older and wiser now. I hope I am. I can’t say yes without considering what I will lose as well as what I will gain.”

“How long do you need?”

“I don’t know.”

“The horses cannot…I’m not making excuses, but the horses need to be rested before they can undertake the trip to Cartmel. If you can wait until morning…”

“I think we both know that is unwise.”

“Ah.” He could control himself. Probably. He tried to jest. “We could have Crispin stand guard at your door.”

“No. He refuses to do that.”

“What!”

Vanessa hummed an embarrassed half-laugh. “Well, he did. You know how he can be.”

He stood. He would rather kiss her until she yielded, but he would do anything, anything, to convince her of his good faith.

“I’ll take a room tonight at the inn in Binnings. Tomorrow, my coach will take you to Cartmel. But, Vanessa,” he tried not to sound pleading, “when will you send word that I can come to you for my answer?”

“Will you be here? Or in London? Or at Chaumbers?”

“Wherever you want me to be.” Then he added, “But here is closest.” Soonest.

“Three days. Come to me in three days unless you hear otherwise.”

“Otherwise?” He felt as though a nail had been driven through his chest. “Do you mean this may be the last time I will ever see you?”

“Maybe,” she groaned. “I don’t know.”