Page 14 of Holding Onto Love

She bit her lip, then said, “Just thoughts. Hard to banish thoughts.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry.” He let out a long sigh. Then he pressed her. “Past thoughts? Or are you having regrets?”

“Regrets?”

“About…” He swept a hand in the air, indicating everything but nothing in particular. “This.” Then he leaned forward, lifted her hand from the blanket she was clutching, and squeezed it. “Did I pressure you into something you were not ready for?”

She thought yes but answered, “I am not a green girl.” His gaze was so steady, it made her ask, “Are you having regrets?”

He planted a quick kiss on her hand, then dropped it. He rose, paced a few steps, then turned to face her.

“Not regrets. One might call them ‘concerns.’” He waited for a response, but she gave none, so he went on unprompted. “I’ve never done this before, and I fear I am doing it wrong.”

“This? Wrong how?”

“Well, for example, this evening. I thought that I was looking forward to it.” His tone changed to musing, irritated musing. “First, I had planned to sup with an old friend from Oxford. A scholarship boy, but well brought up, and we’d always gotten along despite his lack of breeding.”

That stung, but she did not point out she also lacked what he called “breeding.”

“I brought him around quite often in our college days, but I haven’t seen him in a long while. I heard he had a business opportunity in Canada and might be going.” He smiled. Embarrassed. “That isn’t the point. The point is, I had been looking forward to seeing him again.”

“Why haven’t you? Because he is no longer in your social sphere?”

“Partly. But also Olivia. My sister. She had an adorable infatuation with him. My brothers and I used to tease her. But she is fourteen now. Past adorable. Her blushes became insupportable for everyone. Mostly for Benjamin, I’m afraid. And, of course, Olivia.”

She felt for the girl. And respected the man for absenting himself at the cost of distance from an influential friend.

“Did you not enjoy your supper?”

“I did, to a point. Less so the gathering afterward. An evening with my usual set. The exact same evening I’ve enjoyed hundreds, if not thousands, of times.” He sagged. “Vanessa, I spent the whole night looking at the clock, wishing I were here.” He let out a breath of laughter. “I don’t think that is normal.”

The butler knocked, then came in with coffee and thin slices of bread. Jasper did not speak until Bremont left. Then he picked up where he had left off. Or close to it.

“I am concerned that I have been overly…” He cleared his throat and transferred his gaze to a spot on the wall. “Overly demanding. I thought that you might appreciate an evening to yourself.”

She was afraid to laugh because he was so serious.

“I have not found my duties onerous,” she assured him.

He must have sensed she was biting her cheek because he turned to her and grinned.

“Well, that, at least, is a relief. But promise me you will tell me if they become so.”

“I will. But it is not something I can imagine coming to pass.”

She wondered if they would now go to bed, but his grin fell away, and he reclaimed the chair beside her. He was silent a long moment, then he blurted, “Is it the newness, do you think? I swear Carleton and Perry knew I was chomping at the bit to be rid of them. They mocked my distraction.”

“Are you embarrassed by me?”

“Not by you.”

“Are you embarrassed to have a mistress?”

He fretted a little, then said, “I don’t know. Perhaps. I know I have no reason to be.” He shot a sideways glance at her. “Are you—please, I don’t mean to be insulting—are you embarrassed to be one?”

“Yes.”

“God.” He groaned.