Page 3 of Holding Onto Love

“And so is Lady Georgiana. Or she will be by nightfall. Lord Taverston invited her.” Rose bit her lip. “I am so sorry. Lady Georgiana and her mother left for Chaumbers this morning. Everyone knows. We’ve all been expecting this, something like this, ever since he danced with her to open Lady Andini’s ball.”

Vanessa curled her hands into fists and blinked rapidly. Jasper wrote that he fled that ball. He said nothing about dancing the first set with the exquisite Lady Georgiana.

More guests filtered into the music room. Filling seats. Murmuring. Cutting their eyes toward Vanessa. It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be.

But she was one hundred percent certain that it was.

J.—Did I miss a letter?—V.

Dear V.—Sorry. No, I’ve been so ungodly busy—I’ve been trying to write for a week now—Father is improving, slightly—Crispin just arrived. It’s all so very hectic. I need to write I want to steal home for a few days to see you. I don’t know when I can get away. The devi—if I can’t get away in a day or two, I will write the. Please I will write as soon as I can.—J.T.

J.—Do not bother.—V.

Dearest V.—Don’t be like this—you I meant to tell you. I tried But this is not something one puts in a letter. You must see that I needed to tell you in person. You deserve that much. And my letters are terrible—I know that. He’s dying and I have responsibilities—but you know this.—J.T.

J.—You may not dictate how I can “be.” Nor may you decide what I “must see.” You have broken every other promise you made to me. I don’t know why I expected you to keep this one. I don’t deserve “that much,” I deserve better.

V.— I’m so sorry

V.—I never meant to hurt you

V.—Please wait for me to explain. I’ll come home as soon as

V.—You know how much you mean to me. I don’t want to lose you. Tell me what you want from me.—J.T.

J.—How dare you? We both knew you would eventually court someone respectable. And then you would lose me. You cannot change the terms of our agreement. I asked one thing from you. One. You promised me that. And reneged. You, who pride yourself on your honor. You have none, Jasper. None.

V.—And you pride yourself on being sensible. Where is that sense? For God’s sake. I am a full day’s ride away, up to my neck in neglected duty. If I could have come back to London, you know that I would have. And you cannot tell me that if I had written to say that I must needs begin courting my countess, all would be fine. You would not have accepted that either. You would have wrung my neck for cowardice for putting it in a letter. You cannot say you were blind-sided. The earl is dying, Vanessa. Dying. I’ve put off marrying as long as I could. Too long. I’m sorry you see me as dishonorable. I have always tried to be honest with you.—J.

J.—Do you even care how I found out? Do you know who told me?

V.—Does it matter? It was not me. It should have been. I know that. I suppose Hazard told you. I’m sorry. I wish it had been me. I swear to you, I wish it had been me.—J.

J.—Doesn’t it matter? It was not Hazard. Common gossip, that is all. But according to you, I cannot say I was blind-sided. I suppose I should not have been.

V.—I’m so sorry. This is killing me, Vanessa. I can’t bear to think

V.—I never wanted things to end this way

V.—Rose Posonby wrote to me. The devil. I’m sorry. But I cannot stop the mouths of gossips

V.—Can you not grant me a little grace? I would never intentionally hurt you. I’ve dreaded this—God knows how I’ve dreaded this. I would have told you that I had decided to court Hovington’s daughter, but I received word of my father’s relapse and I had to race away. Everything has happened so quickly. Too quickly. Can you not forgive me?—J.T.

J.—You decided to court Hovington’s daughter and then you were called away? Jasper, you were with me the morning before Lady Andini’s ball. Are you telling me you danced with the girl once and decided she would be your wife? Or are you telling me that you held me in your arms, you made love to me, AFTER you had decided to woo someone else? We both know the answer. And no, I cannot forgive you.

V.—Just let me come speak with you. LETTER RETURNED UNOPENED.

V.—We can’t end like this. Not after all we’ve had. Darling, I’m wrong. I know. But you misunderstand. This is nothing I ever wanted. We both knew we would have to part, but we can’t part like this. LETTER RETURNED UNOPENED.

Damn it, Vanessa. Answer me. You’re being childish. We have to speak. We have too much to discuss. Practical things. If you can’t forgive me, fine. I don’t deserve forgiveness. But you must let me see you. At least to say goodbye. And to be sure you are taken care of. Vanessa, answer me. LETTER RETURNED UNOPENED.

Chapter Two

So, it was over. Time to move on.

Travel light. That was rule number one. Of all the lessons Mrs. Vanessa Wardrip had absorbed from the other wives while “following the drum” on the Peninsula, this was the one she still took most to heart. She did not need things. Yet for all that, over the last four years she had accumulated quite a lot of them. They had to be jettisoned.

She chose only a few serviceable dresses to keep and allowed her lady’s maid and her cook each to choose two. The rest she bundled up and sold to a rag-and-clothing shop. Things might not be important, but money was.