Page 75 of Holding Onto Love

Jasper whirled on him. Snarling. But there was something in his brother’s eyes that stopped him cold. Something deadened. And behind that, something…dying. What had this war done to him?

“I suppose,” he said, his own myriad emotions flushed away in a wave of compassion, “that Britain is fortunate to have you.”

“Huh.” Crispin backed away. “But my brothers, not so very.” Then he coughed. He sank into the nearest chair, a spindly lady’s chair that made Crispin, with his height and his skin-and-bones frame, appear macabre. “Sometimes…sometimes I get carried away.” Then he gave the weakest smile Jasper had ever seen him attempt. “I was joking about the thumbscrews.”

“I will choose to believe that.”

They were quiet for a long moment.

Jasper surprised himself by breaking the silence. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where she is. No one knows. Except Collingswood.” He practically spat the name.

“Well.” Crispin turned up his hands. “If you found her, what would you do?”

“I don’t know.”

“That isn’t the right answer.”

“Apologize abjectly. Propose. On my knees. Beg if I must.” The ton be damned. He would bully Vanessa’s entrée into it or be done with it. Abandon London for Chaumbers and never look back.

“And if she says no? And means it? If she won’t have you?”

“If she truly does not want me back, then I-I will have to let her go. I can’t make her life a misery. I mean, I have. But I won’t again.”

Crispin put his hands on his knees and pushed himself up. Unfolded himself. He nodded. Like a soldier accepting his orders.

“Give me a few days. There may be something I can do.” He started for the door.

“Crispin! Wait, Crispin. Do you know where she is? Damn it. You’ve known all along?”

“I knew where she was. That doesn’t mean I know where she is. I said, ‘Give me a couple of days.’”

He walked out the door.

Jasper stared after him. He should not, still, be astonished by Crispin. But he was. Every time. A few days to sort out his brother’s mess over four years in the making? Crispin had made no promises, yet Jasper felt light with hope. If only he could prove to Vanessa that he believed her to be a perfectly acceptable countess…

And then it came to him. How he might convince Vanessa. He’d have to hurry if he had only a couple of days before Crispin…what? Brought Vanessa back to London? Arranged a meeting elsewhere? What did he mean by he might be able to do something? Crispin, damn it!

All at once, his frustration ebbed, then turned inward. Crispin. He should have asked after Crispin’s health. Not that he would have answered. And it would have annoyed him to be asked. But he appeared thinner, did he not, than he had a few months ago at Chaumbers? Jasper should have looked closer. Was he thinner?

The devil. Jasper was the elder, the head of the family. How could he have allowed Crispin, once again, to take charge and then disappear?

Part 6

This is Love

March 1809

London

Chapter Twenty-Two

The Rose Room smelled of lavender, a trivial incongruity that should not trouble Vanessa as much as it did. Perhaps it was because she had nothing to do except breathe it in. Or, perhaps it was because every thought in her head was troublesome.

Jasper’s mother hated her. Well, fine. She’d expected as much. But the countess accused her of turning Jasper into some sort of libertine. Which was nonsense. Yet how long until his mother’s disapproval influenced the way Jasper saw her?

She was afraid of what might happen tonight. It was silly to be fearful—as silly as Jasper wishing to hide her from God knew what. He was investing a good deal of time and effort into merely embarrassing Hilyer. Vanessa was pleased to envision the marquess’s humiliation, yet she worried that it would prove both too much and not enough. Hilyer would slink away from London. But what prevented him from just slinking back?

What were they attempting to accomplish? Jasper wanted her to be comfortable in his world. Perhaps, in some small way, she could be. He had friends who were kind enough to make her welcome in limited settings. Yet if Hilyer chose to make trouble for her, she would find herself shunned even by them. So Jasper meant to strike first.