Page 91 of Yielding to Love

“I was doing very well for a while. Better than I ever have been. But I gave into temptation after leaving Tonbridge. It was stupid of me. Self-destructive.”

Adam had warned him his next bout could be worse. His gut was “primed to become inflamed,” whatever that meant.

She frowned. Her eyes did not leave his face. “Why did you?”

“I think you know.”

She stood and came toward him, her hands clasped before her. “I suppose it was because I made you do something you were ashamed of. And when you tried to make it right, I would not let you.”

“That is an interesting way to put it. It’s true, and yet, not entirely true. You didn’t make me do anything. I told you before, I wouldn’t have lain with you if I hadn’t wanted to. Desperately.” His voice rasped. “I desperately wanted to.”

“But you would not have come to my bedchamber. To my bed.”

He half-laughed. “No. I would not have.” He had some self-control. “I still don’t understand why you came to me.”

She turned her gaze downward. “Please don’t judge me harshly.”

“I won’t. By God, Camellia, at this point, I couldn’t possibly.”

“I wanted to know what it was like. That’s all.” She crossed her arms, hugging them to herself. “I thought I was…not just thought, I knew I was never going to marry. The years when I might have met someone, someone besides Manfred or Mr. Castor, I was taking care of my parents. And then Neville came home and needed so much. I loved my mother and father. I wanted to be there for Neville. But looking ahead, I saw I would never have a…a life of my own. I had no dowry to tempt a suitor. And my looks are strange, I know—”

“Strange?” He wanted to rattle the brains of whoever had told her this. “Camellia, you are beautiful!”

She tossed her head. “I’m not. But Crispin, listen. I wanted to know what it was like to lie with a man. The big mystery. I thought it was my last chance to find out.”

“Curiosity.” He felt a drag on his heart. “And I was conveniently there.”

“No. Not only that.” Pink stole into her cheeks. “You were perfect. I didn’t want to have to marry to satisfy my curiosity. To be trapped for life. And I didn’t expect you to offer for me.”

“But how could you not have?” He was a gentleman. More than that, he was a Taverston. “Did I seem so blackhearted?”

“No. No, of course not.” She bit her lip. She looked so hesitant that he knew her explanation would rip him apart.

Even so, he pressed. “Did you think I was without honor?”

“Neville said you would return to the army,” she said, soft voiced. Apologetic.

“Which would be inconvenient, but would not preclude marriage.”

“He said you were a rake.” Her words were barely audible.

“A rake? Me?” His first thought was that was preposterous. But then…yes, he could believe Harrington found his morals questionable. Jasper certainly did. And Reg probably did too.

“I’m certain now that he only said it to protect me. He was afraid I would fall for you. He thought to warn me off.”

“Instead it made me appealing. For your experiment.” It was almost humorous. Or it would have been had it happened to someone else.

“It was terrible of me. Thoughtless and selfish.”

“But understandable.”

“Was it?” She glanced up, a little hopeful, then away. Then she murmured, “But I would not have done it if it hadn’t been you.”

“No?”

“No. I suppose I was a bit infatuated with you.”

His heart warmed. That was kind of her to say. To admit. She was braver than he was. He’d been more than “a bit” infatuated. He still was. Was she? He couldn’t see how. Still, he took hold of her hand, wondering if she could feel the heat of his palm through their gloves. She had been curious about that elemental act, and what had he shown her? That it was painful and unpleasant?