Page 10 of XOXO

If I looked at him, I was afraid he would see too much. I was always afraid he would find out my secret, one I had been keeping since we were in high school.

I was in love with my straight best friend.

“It’s just sex,” he said nonchalantly.

I took a deep breath. “For you, but these⁠—”

A picture of this beautiful girl popped up on my screen, and I lost my train of thought. I swiped right before I could stop myself. A ping and our pictures appeared together on the screen. We were a match. She was twenty-eight, spoke several languages and was stunning.

“Levi?”

I startled, looking up at Matteo. “What?”

“You were saying?” He raised his brow.

What the fuck was I saying?

“Oh, I was just saying girls like Manon always think they can change you,” I said, glancing at my phone, the message button taunting me.

“Everyone thinks they can change, but you know I do what I want, when I want,” he said with confidence I recognized immediately. “I’m not settling down anytime soon and no matter what Manon or anyone else says, it won’t make me change my mind.”

I nodded, knowing that all too well. Looking up at him, I finally realized that loving him was a losing battle. Was I just as bad as these girls. waiting for something that would never happen? He would never love me like I loved him and, for fuck’s sake, he was straight. I was no better than those girls, waiting for him to change except I knew he wouldn’t, so why was I holding on to some silly dream?

Before I could chicken out, I messaged the girl, XOXO22.

C++98–Hi, how are you doing?

“You ok, Levi?” Matteo asked. “You're not even listening to me.”

“Huh?” I glanced up to see him studying me, annoyance in his gaze.

“You seem distracted,” he said, taking a bite of his croissant.

“Uh, yeah, I⁠—”

“Are you on Rendezvous?” he asked and I quickly hid my phone. “I never thought I would see you on a dating app, much less the one you helped build.”

“Lauren says there are some glitches, so I’m checking it out,” I lied.

Matteo saw right through me with the mischievous smile he was sporting.

Goddammit, why was he so hot?

“Bullshit. It’s ok to use your own app. You deserve to reap the rewards of your hard work,” he said, clapping my shoulder.

It felt weird telling him I wanted to date, not wanted, but needed to. Our friendship would suffer if I couldn’t find someone to get over him with. I always worried he would find out how I felt about him, making this an even bigger mess, but I realized Matteo was oblivious to a lot of things.

“Well, I got to go to work,” I said, not giving him a chance to grill me about the stupid app.

“Give me something, Levi. I’m excited that you are going to start dating,” he said, as I walked away. “Hey, maybe we can go on a double date!”

I flipped him off, closing my door to his laugh. I leaned against the door, laying my head back and took a deep breath. Dating had never really interested me, and hooking up with people was even harder. For years, I suspected I was demisexual because while I could have sex—my body did whatever it wanted—sometimes if I didn’t feel a connection or something didn’t click, I didn’t need or crave that intimacy. My attraction to other people was hard to navigate, giving me too much anxiety to date.

Half the time dating felt like a chore because how did you tell someone that, “Hey, there might be romantic attraction, but we will just wait and see” or “It might never happen.” Trying to force myself to have sex with someone was the worst. There was nothing more disappointing about not being able to get hard for someone. I think that’s why I felt so scared to move on from Matteo. I felt physically and romantically attracted to him. He was the only person who could get me hard instantly by doing the smallest things.

My phone pinged, alerting me to a message in Rendezvous.

XOXO22 – Good morning! I’m doing great and you? Don’t tell me you’re a morning person?