Page 87 of Manors & Mischief

“Forgive me,” Trav says. “But you’re being…I don’t know, the word ridiculous comes to mind. You’re pushing her away because you think she’s going to push you away.”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’ll hold her back.” I rub a hand down my brown Carhart jacket. “That’s what this is about, and it’s the only thing it’s about.”

Bea takes the seat across from me, and Trav sits next to her. I feel a little like I’m being interrogated by the cops now. I wonder if they’ll give me a phone call so I can get out of here.

“But you know that’s just fear talking,” Bea says. Her voice has turned sad, and the last thing I want is for anyone to pity me right now. It’ll make everything worse.

“It’s experience, actually. I don’t know how you both don’t see it. Look at the trajectory of my life. Everything I touch gets ruined. I’m coming to terms with that now.”

“Do you think he knows how stupid that sounds?” Trav asks Bea.

She shakes her head. “No, no I don’t. Let me tell you what I saw. I saw my friend finally let his guard down. I saw him thrive in a situation that I knew was hard for him. I saw him fall in love.”

I balk at that, even when the seed that was already planted there in my heart balks right back at me.

“You two joined forces and kicked some major butt. Within weeks, you two had the manor up and running when it hadn’t been touched in years. I was amazed.”

“It was all her.”

“As much as I would love to take credit for my friend, I’m not going to. It was both of you. Two people who had clicked into place. Everyone saw it, Dev.”

Trav nods. “I knew it from moment one.”

“You hadn’t even seen her yet,” I counter.

“I knew it from the way you got so upset. I can still see you simmering at the bar talking about the girl who stole the manor out from under you.”

“I care about the manor. That’s not weird.”

“It was the way you said everything. If someone can invoke that much emotion in you, it’s always a good thing.”

“The opposite of hate is…”

Love. We were definitely heading that way. “And that’s why I put an end to it. I don’t want to drag her down with me.”

“Here’s a concept. What if you didn’t? What if you didn’t even take the journey because you had someone like Ember by your side this time? Someone who could bring the best things out of you, just like she did when you were working on the manor together.”

Bea nods. “You took the one thing that could save you, and you blew it up. That’s not the sign of sacrifice that you think it is, Devon. It’s a sign that you’re really just scared to lose it in the first place. Scared that she would leave when things got tough, just like your dad. Scared that you’d become unlovable because you knew how you’d react to the injury because you’d reacted that way before.”

My throat clogs with emotion. I was scared. I am scared. I don’t know if I can do this again. It took all I had in me to pull myself up the first time.

“What if you tried something different this time, Dev? What if you tried to open your heart instead of close it? I know it’s a defense mechanism. I can’t even blame you there, but speaking as someone who saw who you were with her, I’d make another bet that she won’t do what you think she will. She’ll stick by you. She’ll make sure you’re okay, and you know I always win my bets.”

“Trav’s right. In fact, I might take it a step further and say I think the only way you’re going to get through this is if you do it with Ember.” She smiles. “I love you both, and I love you both separately, and I love you both together. Things can work out for you. You just have to make different decisions than you did the last time.

“Last time, you retreated inside yourself and it took a heck of a long time for you to come out of it.”

“This time,” Trav says, picking up where Bea left off. “This time will be a whole different story.”

I rub my face. The words Mom said come back, too. Combined with Bea and Trav, they’re the three people who understand me the most. Maybe I should take their advice. It can’t get any worse than it is right now.

Their path means the possibility of making the greatest decision of a lifetime.

But what if I’ve already messed it up so completely? I was rude and mean. Possibly unforgiveable.