Page 251 of Split or Swallow

Along with the mental sensation, Tem experienced what Caspen felt physical⁠l⁠y. It was exactly as he’d said: transitioning was like taking off clothes. Layer after layer of restriction fell away, revealing the feral beast beneath.

Join me, Tem.

The hiss grew. Tem was unbearably hot, as if she had a hundred fevers at once.

Something called to her—something that felt like Caspen, but wasn’t him—something primal and wild and free. Tem wanted to answer.

But she couldn’t.

When she tried to access the deepest parts of her, she was met with resistance. There were shackles holding her down—chains of doubt and fear that would not budge no matter how hard she yanked at them.

You can do it, Tem.

I can’t.

You are the only one standing in your way.

Tem was painfully aware of that.

Her consciousness pricked as Caspen passed the point of no return. Part of her ached to join him. An equal part recoiled in terror.

Trust your instincts, Tem. You can do it.

Tem felt as if she were splitting in two.

I’m telling you I can’t.

Thick, black smoke filled the cavern. Caspen was growing, his human form long gone.

Join me.

They barely sounded like words anymore. Caspen’s voice was just a hiss, thundering through her mind and rattling her teeth in her skull.

Tem tried again to break free—to fling away the anchors that weighed her down—to cast aside twenty years of pain and insecurity and self doubt. Caspen’s mind surrounded hers, pulling her toward him, forcing her in two different directions.

You can do it.

But Tem had had enough.

“I CAN’T!” she screamed. Her voice echoed endlessly around the cavern, cruelly repeating her own failure back to her.

A moment later, Tem was back in her own mind. She saw Caspen’s outline shrink behind the smoke, and she knew he was returning to his human form. The sweltering temperature dropped to a tolerable degree, and before she could even blink, a man stood before her once more.

Caspen’s hands went to her waist, holding her gently.

“We will try again tomorrow, Tem. Do not despair.”

Tem didn’t even have the energy to nod.

Instead she collapsed against him, tears stinging her eyes. The frustration and disappointment was too much for her. She had never felt so defeated.

Caspen held her as she sobbed, waiting until she was calm before carrying her out of the lake and through the passageway, murmuring soothing words the entire way back. By the time they reached his chambers, Tem was fast asleep in his arms.

When she woke, the first thing she felt was shame.

Tem couldn’t imagine how things could have gone any worse. She was completely hopeless. It was one thing to feel out of place as a human—but to know she couldn’t transition either was a blow she hadn’t expected.

You cannot transition yet. That does not mean you will never do so.