Page 78 of A Little Kissing Between Friends

So, I nodded. Because yeah.

I was okay. I was better than okay. Now, I could say the things that I’d been hiding inside of my heart without anxiety about what would come after. Now, I knew that even if I lost Poppa, I wouldn’t lose everything. I might lose her, but if I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t just to make her feel comfortable staying with me, then I would lose myself, and that was the one thing I couldn’t afford to lose.

So, I nodded again. And then I pulled out of her grasp, and then her embrace. And then I took a couple of steps back, putting some space in between us, giving myself some breathing room to say what I needed to say. It wasn’t much, but it was a lot.

“Poppa, I’m bisexual. I don’t know why we never really discussed this before now, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of, and it’s not something that I hide. It is who I am and it is not going to change.”

“I know—”

Shaking my head, I held up a hand. I couldn’t let her interrupt me because then I would get wrapped up in her words and forget to finish sharing my own. This was important.

“Let me finish. I’m not going to waste my time defending myself to you because I’m worth more than that. You’ve known me for three years, and if you suddenly think that I am capable of deceit and abuse solely due to the fact that my most significant romantic relationship before you was with a man, then it is you who isn’t worthy of me. I’m human, so I’m in no way perfect, but being bi is not and has never been one of my flaws.”

So, get it right or get left!

I didn’t say that last part out loud though, because as much as I believed in what I was saying, I didn’t want Poppa to go. I loved her so damn much that if she chose to stop fuckin’ with me because of this, it would crush me. It wouldn’t end me, ’cause I’m a survivor, but I’d be down atrocious for a while.

I took a breath and blew it out through my nose. “I need you to respect me enough to not only acknowledge all parts of me, but to not treat me like shit out of habit because you’re insecure. You let that girl kiki all in your face, hugging and kissing all on you in front of me when you didn’t even want her, but you hugged and kissed on me in private, and acted like nothing had changed between us in front of everyone else. That was so disrespectful and it hurt!” My voice cracked on that last word and I squeezed my eyes shut to stave off the tears that threatened to crash the party. When I felt like I was safe from another crying spate, I reopened my eyes and met Poppa’s gaze.

“Can I speak now?” she asked, her voice low.

Having said my piece, I nodded and wiped the sweat from my brow.

“Baby,” she began, and my knees went to trembling. She was playing dirty already because why did she have to use that tone? Why did she lead with baby?

“I’m sorry that I was too scared of change to lean into my feelings for you. I’m sorry I didn’t shut things down with Jackie from the moment I realized that she couldn’t make my heart skip several beats the way it did just from me looking at you. I’m sorry I allowed that fear to manifest as some hateful shit coming out of my mouth, instead of just owning up to how things had evolved for us.

“Part of me wishes I could go back and stop myself from saying that dumb shit, but another part of me knows that wouldn’t change anything because, even though I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, my thinking was still fucked up.” She paused, dropping her eyes to the ground and shaking her head before lifting her gaze back to mine. The passion I saw in those dark brown depths stole the breath from my lungs.

“I see you for who you are and there isn’t a damn thing about you that I would change—from the color of your toenail polish, to your sexuality, to the way you like your food to touch. All of that combined is part of what makes you, Juleesa Marie Jones, my best friend and the love of my life. You’re my metronome—when shit feels off pitch and out of key, I know all I need is a few minutes in your presence to get my life back in rhythm. You’re that exactly as you are right now, and I’m sorry that I made you feel like you have to defend yourself. I don’t know what I have to do to make up for the way I hurt you, but I want you to know that I’m prepared to spend whatever time necessary trying to figure it out.”

Though my heart swelled at the sincerity in her voice, my face fell at her last sentence. “That’s not the type of life that I want, though.”

Poppa’s face scrunched and she tilted her head to the side. Confusion was written all over her. I hurried to finish my thought before she could jump to conclusions.

“We’re talking about this right now because I don’t want to spend the rest of my time with you rehashing this.”

Her confusion melted away and was replaced with that undeniable emotion again.

Undeniable, not to be confused with unnamed.

Poppa loved me. Of that, I was never unsure. She told me with her words and showed me with her actions.

She closed the distance between us and linked her fingers with mine, holding our hands at our sides.

“Making sure that you’re good, even if it’s ten years from now, isn’t rehashing. It’s not stirring up old shit. What it is—what it will be—is me checking in. Just like you check to see if I ate, I want to check to make sure you’re still comfortable and that I haven’t unknowingly hurt you. That’s the love I have for you.” She lifted our hands up between us and stepped closer. “I never want you to think that I’m too comfortable to recalibrate.”

A sob tore through me. I dropped my head, closing my eyes against the tears. Poppa placed my hands on her chest and pulled me even closer, letting my forehead rest against her shoulder, interlocking her fingers behind my back.

“I meant what I said at lunch the other day.” Her words were soft but sure, spoken directly into my ear. “Unlearning the little shit hasn’t been an overnight thing for me, but I’m committed to creating a safe space for you. I love who you are when you’re free and happy, and I want you to be able to be that woman with me.”

I inhaled and released a deep, shuddering breath. Poppa’s fingers dug into me. I pulled back and met her gaze, allowing her to see into the depths of my soul as I spoke.

“I want to be that woman with you too.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jucee