Page 30 of Tastes Like Summer

I lift a brow. “No, I couldn’t. It’s… a lot. And I don’t know you that well yet. Not well enough to leave you my kids, I don’t think.”

A little hurt flashes through his eyes, but he’s quick to control it. Though I certainly don’t miss it.

Michael nods thoughtfully. “Okay. Heard. And fair. We haven’t known each other that long. But how about you think it over before rejecting my offer? You don’t have to say yes now.”

“I will. Think about it, I mean. And I really appreciate the offer, either way. This is kind of a big opportunity for me. To be honest, if I hadn’t married young, I probably would’ve gone to law school. And I guess maybe that’s what’s making work so difficult? Knowing that I would’ve kicked ass as a lawyer.”

He grins at me. “I can see you kicking ass at it. Except I’m sorry you’re living with the whole regretting-marrying-young part.”

“Yeah, but as big of an ass as Rodrigo is, I can’t fully regret him or the way my life turned out. It brought me my girls, after all.”

“It’s okay to regret not doing something without feeling guilty, Diana. Just because it wouldn’t have led to a specific thing doesn’t mean you can’t regret how some of the parts of your life turned out. Like, I’ve been trying to come to peace with how I chose to forgo a parental relationship with Rachel years ago. I think of all the things I missed out on. But I also know who I was back then, and I would’ve been the worst parent. Resentful, absent, angry. I had that growing up—from both of my parents—and it certainly did not make for a happy childhood. I wanted more for her—not just for me.”

Michael takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as if steeling himself to say something important. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to forgive yourself. About how it feels incredibly selfish of me to do so. But I also think that if I don’t do it, I’m going to fail Rachel. Because she needs an involved parent who is able to stop living in the past and be able to be present while thinking of the future. I can only control what happens now, not what I did or didn’t do before. If I had stayed, if I had done the, quote, ‘responsible’ thing, I probably wouldn’t have given her the dad she deserved. Because even if I was never her dad, I was never not there for Jessie or Rachel. Anything they needed, I gave them. I think that while I caused some damage, I can change my situation now. I have to.” I watch as he white-knuckles the beach chair’s armrests, his gaze far away and almost haunted. “And that means you can do that, too—but with yourself.”

“Yeah.” I nod, but I’m not too convinced. “Maybe you’re right in your case. But it’s not like I’m in this position where I can pursue a completely different life now. Sure, law school sounds like a dream. But that’s exactly what it is. I can barely handle the current state of my life now—how am I supposed to handle law school on top of everything else?”

“What about your ex? I mean, he’s there, right? I assume he co-parents at least to some degree.”

“Rodrigo?” I snort. “Please. I can’t even get him to reply to his daughters’ messages. The girls have been sending him letters twice a week all summer, and he hasn’t called or replied once to them. All I do is lie to them, and tell them the post office keeps losing them, and Daddy’s phone doesn’t work. I have no idea how Rodrigo could do this, treat his children that way. It’s not something I would’ve ever thought him capable of, even at his worst.”

His face softens as his gorgeous hazel eyes—looking more like a peaceful meadow under the sun—travel across my face. “I’m sorry to hear that. He has no idea what he’s missing out on.”

“Yeah.” I laugh once, shaking my head.

“It kills me to think I reminded you of him.” His voice is soft, but I can feel the pain in it. Guilt floods my system, because I know now he isn’t like Rodrigo.

“I misjudged you, Michael. Please don’t think I still have that impression of you. Your thing wasn’t the same,” I say, wrapping a hand around his bicep, trying really hard not to notice how muscular it is, how warm and soft yet still strong it feels beneath my fingertips. “You stepped up when you were needed. And you weren’t when Jessie got pregnant.

“Rodrigo… This man just… disappeared. He went from being there to taking off. I literally had to negotiate a lower alimony and child support payments—which he has yet to pay, by the way—to get him to spend more time with his daughters—something unheard of—and he hasn’t even lived up to that. If it were up to him, he’d spend the least amount of time with his girls and pay no child support. It’s like he got this taste of what life would be free attachments and would give anything for it. I swear, sometimes it feels like if it weren’t because he’s scared of what his family or friends would say, he’d give up total responsibility over the girls.”

“Like giving up parental rights?”

“I know that sounds crazy, but… Anyway, trust me when I tell you that you are nothing like him. There’s a difference between a man who steps up and takes ownership after making a questionable choice or mistake, and one who retreats and abandons his family.” In an uncharacteristic move, I reach out and rub his back. “I didn’t know you before, but you’re a good man, Michael. At least you are now.”

Michael blows out a deep breath and nods. “I hope to god you’re right. Or at least I hope I’m good enough that I can give Rachel the good, stable, happy life she deserves—the one I didn’t get as a kid. That’s what matters most to me right now.”

The urge to hug him is so strong I have to cross my arms in front of my chest, because I know what it’s like to feel like you aren’t good enough. That you’re giving everything you can to try to be the best parent and still feel like it isn’t enough. In a messed up way, it’s comforting to know someone’s going through the same thing. Sure, our situations aren’t exactly the same, but the feeling of inadequacy is there for both of us. Knowing I’m not alone in this is life changing.

“We ready to get back to the party?” I ask suddenly. When he nods with that heartbreaking smile of his, I do my best to ignore how it steals my breath. “Cool. How about we let Matt and Vinny handle the grill while we take a victory lap of sorts for all of our hard work and go into the ocean?”

Michael’s eyes widen, but he quickly recovers. He clears his throat before adjusting the cap on his head. “Um, now? In our bathing suits and stuff?”

I laugh, utterly confused by his reaction. “Uh, yes, our bathing suits.” Am I hideous? Unattractive to such a degree that seeing me in my bathing suit should be embarrassing? I’ve never paid much attention to the way I look, possibly because I considered it a luxury in a way. But all of a sudden, I feel self-conscious about my body. Before I can help it, I look down, taking myself in. Sure, I have pregnancy stretch marks, but… are they really that bad?

I swallow the knot in my throat, suddenly regretting my decision to wear a two-piece.

God, this is so stupid.

With more effort than I’d care to admit, I control my hurt expression and ask, “Is that a problem or something?”

“No!” he says quickly, loudly. I can’t help flinching. Michael clears his throat again. “Sorry. No, of course not. No problem with that. Let’s… Let’s go for a swim I guess.”

He gets to his feet and outstretches a shaking hand to me. Confused by his reaction, I take it and pull myself up with his help.

“Okay, then.”

Without another thought, I pull my tank top over my head and slide my shorts over my hips, folding them both neatly before stuffing them inside my beach tote. The sun on my bare skin feels amazing, the excitement of spending the whole day at the beach fills me with light and hope. Despite standing on the precipice of not wanting to take off my clothes in front of Michael not thirty seconds ago, I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face as soon as I turn to watch a wave crash onto the shore.