Page 57 of Merciless

Beloved Mother

Only a few words had been omitted, yet that small alteration was monumental in its deliverance.

She was the one good thing I had left. The one true, honest memory I could cherish as I ventured into the next world alone. And I had been completely eradicated from her life.

I had been wiped from her story, erased from her past, as if we never happened, as if I never existed.

This is the true penance for my sins. To go into the afterlife without a single soul to mourn me. As for the people left behind, I will be a distant memory, never to be revisited or claimed.

Once again, the same fears awakened and began to sink in, to truly resonate. I had sacrificed everything for absolutely nothing.

My world was over before I even processed that I was the direct catalyst for my own devastating end.

And I’d live with that soul-deep regret for the rest of my days. No matter how few they were.

Epilogue 2

COLTON

Six months later…

I didn’t know why I was there, at his behest. Especially since my wife and three-month-old baby were at home. I’d much rather have been with them than lurking outside William’s hospital room.

Thomas had called earlier that morning, stating that William was reaching the end and requesting to see me one last time.

I’d been conflicted since then. My life had genuinely flourished since I left my father behind. I had my own family, my everyday life complete with happiness and fulfilment.

At times, I would reflect back on my pain, the years of torment I had endured and barely survived. But I held no regrets, as every fucked-up decision still led me to my entire world—my wife and my son, who we had named after her late father, Robert.

When I married Charlotte and made her mine, my heart nearly burst open. She was the living personification of everything I had dreamed her to be. Supportive, kind and so full of love that I never doubted her or us.

In loving her, I sincerely believed that I wouldn’t experience that type of vulnerability again until my wife gave birth to our son. In that magical moment, the earth seemed to tip off its axis, causing my universe to centre on this tiny baby that we had created.

I had made many promises over the past few years, but none were more important than the one I gave to my son that day he was born.

I will never fail you, never put anyone else above you. I will protect you against anyone or anything—including myself, if I have to.

They were the lights of my existence, which made me strive each and every day to become the best version of myself for them.

Hence why I shifted forward and entered William’s hospital room. Charlotte wanted to come with me, but I refused. This was something I had to see through on my own, to say goodbye in whatever capacity I could.

The room was quiet, William’s sleeping form perfectly positioned on the bed as his ragged breathing filled the empty space.

I stood there for a minute or two, soaking him in. He had changed much—face gaunt and sunken, his body clearly showing the vestiges of his debilitating disease.

Taking a deep, stabilising breath, I sat in the chair next to his bed and waited.

I allowed him to rest, not wanting to disturb his peace. It also granted me time to reflect on our past.

When I had finally made the decision to come and see him, I couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why. I had already accepted his prognosis when I chose not to give him my kidney many years before.

There was no lingering regret, guilt or even misplaced forgiveness. With the people I was surrounded with on a daily basis, I no longer needed validation from the man before me, nor did I feel obligated to give him mine in return.

Instead, I chose to honour our previous father-son bond by reflecting on the good times. Up until my mother’s death, William had been a great father. Back then, I was his first choice, and I’d had the best childhood because of it.

So, although that connection had been irretrievably broken, I could at least acknowledge what we had back then.

As if reading my mind, William’s lids fluttered open, his eyes hazy and doped out—then they suddenly sharpened on my face.