Page 126 of Forged in Fading

“You would have regretted it?” His words hung somewhere between a question and a statement.

Alvara focused on swirling the spoon in her bowl. “We’re friends. After trying to push you away and realizing what I could lose, I’m not willing to risk it. I lost Pyry doing the same thing, making reckless choices that we could never come back from. I don’t think that’s a path we should go down.”

“I’m not Pyry.” His voice held an unexpected bite.

But gods, she was painfully aware of that fact. Even Pyry hadn’t made her feel this overwhelming need to be near to him at all times, someone she couldn’t rid her mind of no matter how hard she tried. And Boden’s words, his reaction—an embarrassingly large part of her wanted to know if he felt what she did.

No, it wasn’t worth thinking about. They had much bigger issues to tackle if they wanted to survive. “I know. But it was just a night of too much mead, and it would be a mistake to think of it as anything more.” Alvara’s skin felt like it might melt. How was she not visibly steaming? They needed to talk about anything else but this. “The prisoners. What happened?”

Boden stared at her, tapping his spoon on the side of his bowl. He placed his food on a nearby stump and bowed his head. “The king will invade on the full moon in a few weeks, when his power is at its strongest. He’s amassed an army larger than we had anticipated, built from Elan, Nyrian, and Valonian wielders.”

So, Boden had tortured them. “After everything the king made you do, you haven’t stopped.” This was easier—fueling anger, emotions that would distance her far from any thoughts of a future they could have had together.

He pressed his lips together. “And here I believed you were telling the truth when you told me you didn’t judge me, that you understood.”

She didn’t judge him, and she did understand. That wasn’t the problem. “That’s not what I’m upset about, Boden. We needed the information, I understand. But why did it have to be you? Why does it always have to be you? Why do you think that everyone else is worth more, holds more value?”

The words tumbled out of her at a pace her tongue almost couldn’t keep up with, fed by her frustration. With herself and him. “You continue to shred your own soul to save a drop of someone else’s blood, and it makes me so godsdamned angry.” She slammed her own bowl onto the stump. “Do you know how painful it is for the people who care about you to watch you tear yourself apart to shelter other people from the agony you inflict on yourself on a daily basis? What’s the point of saving everyone if you aren’t willing to save yourself?”

He had gone utterly still, the only movement the rise and fall of his chest. She wanted so badly to wrap her arms around him, breathe him in to calm the tempest swirling inside of her, but she had drawn a firm line between them.

“What a night!” Kat’s cheery voice sliced through the tension like a finely honed blade. Her eyes darted between them, and the smile slipped from her face. “Oh gods, I walked in on something, didn’t I? I can go⁠—”

“I didn’t do it,” Boden said.

Kat raised her eyebrows and tiptoed away.

“But you said⁠—”

“I asked Rav, and he was all too happy to take over.” He studied the ground as he spoke. “I didn’t believe I was worth more, but you make me feel differently.” His eyes found hers, and her heart threatened to stop. “You make me want to be someone different than the person the king molded me to be.”

She could hardly breathe, let alone speak. He had listened to her. For the first time in gods knew how long, Boden had refused to put his worth, his life on the line and cared for his own well-being.

Alvara moved closer, even as her pulse flew off without her, and settled her hand on his arm (which was still just as enticing without mead involved). “I’m proud of you. I know it isn’t easy for you to stop offering yourself as the solution to every problem.” Boden laid his hand on top of hers, and her blood heated. “Your tattoos are really nice⁠—”

“Remind me to always wear long sleeves around you,” he said, but his eyes twinkled.

“As long as it means you’ll be around me.”

That’s all she wanted, for him to stay around her for a long, long time.

Chapter Forty-Four

During the week that followed, Alvara kept herself so busy that she collapsed into bed each night, her mind blissfully blank as she drifted into sleep. Optimism brewed in her bones as she watched and helped the town prepare for the incoming attack in only two weeks.

Each day warmed slightly more than the last, a pressing reminder of the threat that loomed before them. The smiths produced weapons at a dizzying rate, and the finished defenses provided some comfort that maybe they could make it through this.

“They’ve made progress,” Rav said, his arm crossed over his body as his gaze bounced between humans and demi-elves sparring at the morning’s training.

Alvara reached her fingers toward her toes and winced. She would have traded her left boot for a long bath in the hot spring, but there was no time. “Do you think we can win?”

“There’s no winning in war. But I think we have a chance at surviving.”

One chance to live or fade as they watched Gosibik burn to the ground.

“Alvara?” Erun stood before her, knee bouncing and eyes darting around the clearing.

“What is it?” Something had clearly agitated the man, though she couldn’t begin to guess what. She could see no immediate threats in the vicinity.