Page 35 of Give Me Peace

“All done,” he whispers by my ear. I turn back around a give him a grateful smile.

“Thank you.” I toss the hairbrush in the bathroom and walk to my closet for some socks. Their floors are all tiled and my toes get cold really fast. When I’m ready, Kash and I head toward the main part of the house. Lochlan is sitting on the couch with a laptop placed on the coffee table in front of him, clearly working on something. Havok and Roan and are in the kitchen, but Krew is absent.

“Cereal?” Havok offers, his mouth full of CocoaPuffs. He pushes an empty bowl and spoon in front of me and nods to several boxes lining the counter.

“Sure,” I answer, glancing at my options to see which one looks the most appealing. I go with Lucky Charms and take the milk Roan pulls from the fridge for me. “Yum.” I savor the first bite, loving the little pops of sweetness from the marshmallows.

“Sorry about that,” Havok says, gesturing to my overall appearance. “This brute decided it was his turn to donate a sweatshirt and cut me off when I was bringing you another one of mine. It probably stinks.” He smirks at Roan. Without thinking, I pull the collar up to my nose and take a sniff. Definitely doesn’t.

“Smells good to me,” I reply with a shrug, going back to munching on my cereal. Roan shoots Havok a smug grin, like he’s bested him somehow.

“Hey, Saylor,” Lochlan interjects, so I spin to give him my attention. “I need to ask you something about what we discussed yesterday. Would you prefer we talk about it privately?”

“Um.” I look at each of the guys, not seeing a reason to keep it from them. I’m not ashamed about the choice I made, so it really makes no difference to me. I assumed they were already made aware. “No, here is fine.”

“Okay. Well, Dr. Kerrigan just emailed and she has an opening at two o’clock due to a cancellation. I know it’s last minute, but she wanted to offer the spot to you first.”

“Oh.” I bite at the inside of my cheek as my heartrate climbs. A quick glance at the clock shows the appointment slot is only thirty minutes away. So, really last minute. But maybe this is the perfect scenario, where I have no time to stress or talk myself out of it. I’ll never want to talk about the last five years, but I know I need to. “Yeah. I’ll take the opening.” I grimace but square my shoulders.

“Let’s go ahead and set everything up, then.” Lochlan closes his laptop while I take my bowl to the sink and rinse it. Roan tries to take it from me, but I manage to get it in the dishwasher before he can. I stick my tongue out, making him grin and shake his head at me.

“Proud of you, Little Fighter,” he whispers as he places his hand on the base of my neck and tugs me closer. He drops a kiss to my temple, and for some reason, it makes me tear up. I feel really silly for how scared I am right now, but it terrifies me to bring everything to the surface again after I’ve been trying my hardest to banish it to the farthest recesses of my mind. I doubt Roan would be proud if he could hear my current thoughts, but it still feels nice to hear. I give Havok and Kash a wobbly smile, then follow Lochlan to his office.

“You can sit here.” He pulls his desk chair out. His laptop is placed in front of me, the blank screen coming to life after Lochlan taps a few keys. A video icon appears with a link at the bottom showing my name, along with the date and time for the meeting. Above it reads ‘click to join’. “When two o’clock rolls around, all you have to do is tap this and Dr. Kerrigan will be added to the video call. The guys and I are going to stay clear of this part of the house, so nothing either of you say will be overheard. Do you have any questions?” Lochlan looks at me, his honey-colored eyes observing every nervous twitch I make.

“I don’t think so,” I answer, but even though I can’t think of anything I’m still feeling woefully unprepared.

“Here.” He bends down, pulling out a bottle of water from the bottom drawer of his desk. “Just in case you need it.”

“Thanks.” I take it with shaky hands.

“You’re going to be fine, sweetheart,” Lochlan tells me, his hand sliding under mine to give it a reassuring squeeze. “If at any point you need to stop, it’s perfectly fine. I’m going to go, but whenever you’re done, come find us.” I nod, my throat feeling too tight to form words. As soon as the door shuts behind him, I stare at the clock and watch the minutes tick by, one by one. I focus on that and that alone so there’s no room for me to start overthinking. When it rolls over to two on the dot, I take a deep breath and click the link. It chimes for a few seconds before the video connects and a brunette woman, who looks to be in her thirties, fills the screen. She’s classically pretty and her smile puts me at ease.

“Saylor,” she greets me. “It’s so nice to meet you. My name is Danielle Kerrigan, but you can call me Dani or Danielle if you’d like.” Her eyes are open and warm.

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Danielle.” I smile, at least I hope that’s what I’m doing.

“I know the basics of your case, but first I’d like to know how you’re feeling about today’s meeting. I know it was kinda sprung on you at the last second, so it’s understandable if you feel ambushed or unsure.”

“I’m nervous to talk about what I went through. Dreading it, actually. Yesterday was a good day, and I don’t want to go back to feeling overwhelmed by grief. I’ve been trying to ignore it and live in the moment, though I doubt that’s healthy.” My voice cracks as I rush to articulate my thoughts, but a heavy exhale leaves me when I manage to say what I needed to.

“That’s understandable. And healthy is relative. What’s best for you now, might not be the same thing you need a month down the road. If, at this moment, what works for you is to focus on the present and not the past, then that’s what we’ll do. As long as you plan to address those hard topics at some point, then there’s nothing wrong with the way you’re coping,” Danielle states emphatically, leaving me stunned for a second.

“How about we discuss your current state. Do you feel safe where you are?”

“Yes,” I respond instantly, knowing it to be true without needing to think the question over. “The guys have been great.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Danielle nods thoughtfully as she repositions herself. “Sorry, needed to kick off my heels,” she explains with a wink, making me grin.

“And you’re sleep and diet? I know those things might seem trivial but they definitely factor into your stress levels.”

“I’m eating more every day, but it’s been a process since my body hasn’t been used to so many options. I’ve tried to ease my way in, and it seems to be working so far. Sleep isn’t the greatest. I’ve had a few nightmares,” I explain. “They tend to happen when I’ve been upset or dwelling on things during the day, which is why I’ve been keeping my head in the sand.”

“That makes sense.” Danielle taps her pen against her lip. “What’s it like to be a part of the world again? Are you finding it difficult to acclimate or connect?”

“It’s confusing, I guess. Things have changed, but not enough for it to feel like I’ve time traveled to the future. I wish there was a handbook to tell me what happens next,” I joke. “I haven’t really been around anyone but the guys, but I’ve been okay with them. They’ve been really great.”

“Well, I’m happy you have them. It’s important to have a strong support system. As for adjusting to your new normal, I’d suggest taking things one day at a time. This won’t be a sprint, Saylor. Honestly, not even a marathon. More like a cross-country trip by foot that might have some surprise stops along the way. And that’s okay, because every step forward is progress, no matter how far the finish line is. I think it’d be good for you to make a checklist of all the things you wanted to do but weren’t sure you’d ever get the chance to. Maybe add some stuff the woman you are now would enjoy. Because you’re alive Saylor and the possibilities are endless.”