Page 59 of Head Over Skis

I can tell she does. She’s hesitating in the exact same way she was only minutes before, when she told me about the kiss but I could tell there was something else.

‘Okay, that’s not the whole reason. I also didn’t tell you because I had no idea what I was going to do. After we’d slept together, I thought the best thing to do was pretend it had never happened. I swore David to secrecy, so don’t be annoyed with him about any of this.’

I had started wondering why he hadn’t said anything about this to me either, but I’m less hurt that he kept it from me than I am that Tilly did.

‘But then yesterday, when we kissed again, and I felt…’ Her hands move in circles, like she’s cycling through words trying to find the right one, before coming up empty. ‘Ugh, I don’t even know what I felt but it was something, I freaked out. Because I know we shouldn’t go any further, because of the group. We can’t, in case…’

She doesn’t finish her sentence, but she doesn’t have to. I know what she was going to say. In case they date, then break up, like me and Adam. In case they risk the fabric of the group, like we have. And what’s worse, today I wasn’t thinking about the group when I took things further again with Rory. Wasn’t thinking about Adam, or how he’d react, or whether I was tearing our friendship group apart.

I only thought about myself.

‘No, no, you’re taking that the wrong way.’ She pushes over to my side, stopping in front of me and forcing me to look at her by guiding my head back up with her hands. ‘You and Adam got together before our friendship group even formed. And I know I’ve said I don’t think you guys fit, but back then, when we were little eighteen-year-olds trying to figure ourselves out, it looked like you might.

‘It’s not your fault that you didn’t, and you’re not doing anything wrong by letting him go, and letting yourself be led by this’ – she rests the pad of her index finger on the left side of my chest – ‘towards someone who makes that spark ignite in your heart again.’

‘But I’m only making things worse for everyone by doing that. Isn’t that what you meant, by saying you shouldn’t pursue anything with David?’

She shakes her head, her hands moving down to gently squeeze my shoulders. ‘No, that’s not it at all. When you and Adam got together, there was a possibility that things could work out. But me and David? We’re like chalk and cheese. We don’t even get along. In fact, I think he’s the most annoying, insufferable person I’ve ever met.’

Until now, I’d felt awful, rethinking my own choices and worrying over them. But when she says that, I can’t help but smile.

‘And you’ve never stopped to wonder if all that dislike you felt wasn’t a mask for the exact opposite? Have you never watched a romcom?’

She stops to think about it, and the realisation plays out on her face as she thinks back over past memories. Wondering if what I’ve said might’ve been true all along. She slumps, throwing her hands up like nothing makes sense to her any more. ‘Or maybe all of those reasons are bullshit, and I’m just scared. Really fucking scared to give things a go, and for it to go wrong.’

I tilt my head, amazed by the myriad ways this conversation has shifted since Tilly dive-bombed in here. Finally, we’ve reached the crux of the problem and I realise why she’s been so freaked out over all of this. Because being scared about anything, apart from fat-bodied spiders that move at one hundred miles an hour, is not like Tilly. It’s funny how much our roles have reversed since we had this exact conversation on a ski lift the other day.

‘Tilly, it’s okay to freak out sometimes. Welcome to my world! Why would you think you had to hide being scared of new things from the queen of it?’

I understand now though why she hadn’t told me. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to talk about it, it was because she didn’t want to admit it to herself. All these new feelings that she doesn’t know what to do with.

‘I think you should start following your own advice,’ I go on. ‘Go with the flow, be loose, or whatever wisdom you bestowed upon me a few days ago.’

I think I do some strange movement when I say the words ‘be loose’, which makes her chuckle, looking a little less like she thinks the world is about to end. She chews at her lip, her mind whirring as she considers my point.

‘So, you think I should give things a try? Even though it’s doomed?’

I nod, not because I think it’s doomed, but I don’t think she’s ready to hear how I think they’re actually a great fit for each other. Then I ask her a question of my own. ‘And you think I should do the same? Even though it’s tearing the group apart?’

I mean it seriously, but she pushes herself back to the other side of the tub and sends a splash right into my face. ‘Stop being dramatic. We’re all adults here, and I think you’re also forgetting you guys have basically broken up ten times over the last seven years.’

Not quite ten, I think, but I see her point.

‘We’ll be fine. I’m sorry I made you think otherwise.’

‘You don’t need to apologise. We’re good.’ I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a big wet hug. Finally, we’re back to normal.

We don’t speak for a while, me processing the ups and downs of the last ten minutes, and of finally finding out what her secret was. Meanwhile she stares at the water like sinking into it might be easier than accepting she feels anything other than dislike for David.

‘I can’t believe I like David,’ she mutters after a while, groaning as she tilts her head back so it rests on the lip of the hot tub. ‘What planet are we living on right now, and when’s the next rocket off?’

I giggle, secretly thrilled by this turn of events. The sound of two slippered feet clap on the path behind my head and then Meghan appears having finally emerged from the sauna.

‘What did I miss? Tilly looks like she’s eaten some gone-off sushi.’

I don’t respond, unsure whether to share the news that isn’t mine to share. But opposite me Tilly nods, waving at me to say it for her, and the words burst out. ‘She and David kissed yesterday and slept together four days ago.’

‘No way! That was a long time coming,’ Meghan says, kicking off her slippers and lowering herself into the tub.