Page 60 of Hate You to Love You

Elliot’s smiling and animated, but when he notices that I haven’t said anything he pauses, his face dropping. ‘I applied so long ago I’d forgotten about it…’ He trails off, looking sheepish. ‘It starts in a few weeks.’

I take a few rapid breaths, trying to comprehend his words. ‘Wait a minute, so this is something you applied for, knowing that it might take you away from everything we planned?’

‘No, of course not,’ Elliot maintains, taking a seat next to me on the bed. ‘I applied for this program before I even met you. I didn’t realise they had kept my name in the pool. I think my manager must have put a good word in.’

Elliot breaks into an awkward smile. And even though it hurts to do so, I pull him in for a hug and whisper, ‘Congratulations.’ As we hold each other close, I can feel my heart breaking.

‘Even my parents were impressed,’ he says. ‘I can’t remember the last time they were this proud of me.’

‘You deserve this,’ I tell him.

Elliot sighs. ‘I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but—’

‘But this is your dream,’ I say, finishing his sentence for him, my voice muffled as I speak into his shoulder. ‘How long are you going for?’

He doesn’t answer.

‘Elliot?’

Still silent, he breaks out of my embrace and holds his head low again. ‘A year. The program lasts for a year. Potentially another year or two if it goes well.’

My heart finally tears open.

‘It doesn’t have to change anything,’ he urges, but the strain in his voice suggests he’s trying to convince himself more than me. ‘You can come visit. I’ll visit. We can still talk every day. A year will fly by.’

‘What happens if they want you to stay?’

‘We don’t know that they will.’

I sigh, shift to my side and end up sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from him. ‘How long have you known about this?’

‘A week. Believe me, it wasn’t an easy decision to make. I hate the thought of giving up our trip and all the adventures we planned together. I want that. I want it all. But…’

But your work will always come first, I want to say. I had always known this about Elliot. Work was all he could talk about sometimes. Elliot’s ambition was inspiring, but it would always be the most important thing to him. He might be telling me that it wasn’t easy, but he was still choosing himself.

‘I get it,’ I cut in sharply. ‘It’s your dream. Who am I to stop you?’ We still don’t look at each other. I keep my attention on the faded One Tree Hill poster on my wall. The air is thick with silence.

‘As long as you’re there for me, and I’m there for you, nothing has to change,’ he says.

His voice is hushed, and I’m not sure if it’s because he’s speaking quietly or because I’m trying so hard not to hear him. Because I already know that this is how I lose him.

chapter twenty-seven

now

Given how early our flight to Dublin is, I intend to get some sleep on the plane. But I only manage half an hour before I jerk awake in the darkened cabin, feeling way too alert. So, I get up to stretch my legs.

As I reach the galley, I collide with someone trying to leave the kitchen, paper cup of coffee in hand.

‘Sorry!’ I whisper, keeping my voice low.

It’s Elliot. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says at the same time.

Thankfully, Redhouse has booked us in separate rows. I step to the side, giving him room to pass. My eyes glance quickly to the floor.

‘How’s the flight been?’ he asks in a hushed tone.

‘Good,’ I reply swiftly. ‘I was trying to squeeze in as much sleep as I can. It’s been a long week.’