Page 62 of Hate You to Love You

I look up to the sky, and then back down at Elliot. ‘Okay,’ I say with a long exhale of relief. ‘This is me saying yes.’

Fifteen minutes later, Elliot is guiding me to the second level of the double-decker bus. The rain has stopped, but the wind still gives the air a sharp chill. Elliot drops into the seat next to me, and it takes everything in me not to shift away from him as the warmth of his body reaches me.

We drive through the streets of the city centre, the historical buildings coming to life against the backdrop of the dreary and moody weather.

From St Patrick’s Cathedral to the Guinness Storehouse Museum, each sight brings Dublin more sharply into focus for me. When the bus comes to a temporary stop at Trinity College, I lean over the railing to get a better view of the campus.

‘What’s with the smile?’ Elliot asks.

‘Oh.’ I blush, caught off guard. ‘I’ve just always wanted to see Trinity.’

‘So, you ended up reading Normal People?’

‘Don’t sound so surprised. I can read more than just romance.’ The memory of the night Elliot talked about the book with me tugs at my heart.

‘What did you think of it?’

‘I loved how real it felt,’ I say.

Elliot shrugs. ‘Yeah, but Marianne and Connell should have just been honest with each other from the very start. I hate it when two characters can’t communicate in a book.’

‘I get that. Although there’s so much more keeping them apart. Marianne and Connell come from very different lives. They make different decisions that shape where the universe takes them, even if it’s away from each other.’

‘Hmm,’ Elliot murmurs. ‘But do you think it’s possible for two people who have been pulled apart to make their way back to each other?’ he asks, his voice low and drawn out.

The heaviness that weighs on my heart travels down into my gut. I’m afraid to give him an answer, unsure if his question is about the book or about us. If I could turn back time to the night we first talked about Normal People, I would have told him that true love was something so powerful and magical that it could overcome any distance, any amount of time apart. But now? I know that’s not true.

Thankfully the bus continues the tour, and the sound of the engine turning on cuts off any chance I have to answer. The next stop on the tour is the bustling tourist centre, Temple Bar.

‘You didn’t have to do this, by the way,’ I say, breaking the silence. ‘I know it’s cheesy.’

‘But you wanted to do it,’ he explains. I’m not sure whether he understands the gravity of his kindness. ‘Besides, I had some spare time on my hands. What’s your excuse?’

‘I guess…’ I begin, unsure if I’m ready to be this honest with him. But I’m tired of fighting. ‘Because I wanted to have fun again.’

Elliot blinks at me, his stare pensive and considerate.

‘After Dad passed… it just… it just felt wrong to try to be happy.’

Elliot gives me a sad smile, his face full of compassion. And it’s enough.

‘You know, I messaged you after your dad passed. I always wondered if you ever read it.’

I close my eyes. ‘I did. But I was going through so much, I couldn’t bring myself to reply. By the time I even considered sending something back, so much time had passed I just assumed you’d have forgotten about me.’

‘You know that’s not true, right?’ he says with a shaky breath. ‘I’m always here for you.’

‘But we made so many promises to each other. We had so many plans. I told you how I’d felt abandoned in the past. And you still left. I’m happy that you got the chance to go after your dreams, but did you ever consider having me by your side?’

‘I wanted that, Carlos!’ he says desperately. ‘But you never gave me a chance to fight for us. As soon as you found out about London, you shut down. I get why you were disappointed – about the trip, about me leaving Sydney, about things changing. But why did you assume that I never wanted you to be part of my life in London?’

‘Because you never asked.’ I look down.

Elliot’s face softens. ‘I guess it’s all easier to say in hindsight, but I knew how much I’d hurt you and I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to fix it. I never had anyone matter so much to me. I’ve never lost anything this important. I wanted to apologise and reach out, but then I remember the look on your face the last time we saw each other. Sometimes it made me wonder if you were better off without me.’

I suddenly feel shaky.

‘So, for what it’s worth,’ he continues, ‘I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ve actually said that yet.’