Page 82 of Hate You to Love You

The taxi has barely come to a stop before I’m throwing cash at the driver, telling him to keep the change. I bolt out of the car to find a carnival set up in front of Portobello Beach. A merry-go-round projects a playful tune. Families are scattered across the grassy area I’m trying to cut through.

The promenade is just as busy as the carnival. Crowds spill out from cafes and restaurants. I cross the pathway and lean up against the railing, overlooking the beach. Seagulls squawk from above as I continue down the promenade, quickly peering into shops, checking for Claudia. But she’s nowhere to be found. I start to worry that history is going to repeat itself, and Elliot will have to pay the price for it.

Short of breath, I walk back up to the promenade and hang my head low in disappointment. That is until I notice a figure down by the water that looks strangely familiar. I climb over the railing and jump down onto the sand. It’s damp, and a crisp coastal breeze picks up as I run towards the water.

‘Claudia!’ I call out as I run.

She doesn’t respond, her focus firmly set on watching the waves crash down onto the beach.

‘What are you doing? The festival starts in half an hour.’

‘Carlos? What… how did you find me?’

‘I’ll explain later. But we have to get you to the festival,’ I urge.

‘I can’t,’ Claudia says.

‘What do you mean you can’t?’ My voice is stern.

‘I know all of this is just a story to you, but for me, it’s my life.’

I crouch down to meet her at eye level. ‘This tour was about making peace with the past. How is backing out now going to help with that?’

Her lips curl in, and I swear I can see them tremble. ‘This was where Stephen and I were meant to meet,’ she explains. ‘Even after that long conversation on the phone, I wanted to wait to tell him how I felt properly in person. This was where I was going to tell him that I loved him, and that he was who I wanted by my side.’

‘I know what it’s like to lose someone you love,’ I say. ‘There are songs I used to love that don’t sound the same anymore, places I used to go that I avoid now. Sometimes I feel like I lost my appetite the day my dad died and I never got it back. But at some point, you have to face up to your own feelings and open yourself up to happiness again.’

‘I just wish I’d had the chance to tell Stephen how much I loved him.’ The words leave her mouth through ragged breaths.

‘The fact that he was coming to meet you is proof that he already knew. Listen to your heart, Claudia,’ I say. ‘This tour wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t ready to let go of the pain. You’re ready. You wrote Summer Memory to process the feelings you couldn’t say out loud. These Days was your way to work through the grief. Putting yourself in the public eye again can be your way to honour the legacy he left in your life. You have the power to make sure people know his name and what he meant to you. I mean, isn’t that what you’ve been trying to tell me all along?’

Claudia inhales sharply, slowly bringing her gaze away from the ocean and up to the sky. ‘I’m not ready,’ she tells me.

‘I don’t think you ever will be. But if not now, then when?’

Letting out another sigh, Claudia brings her eyes to mine.

‘So?’ I ask, hardly daring to breathe.

She nods. ‘Let’s go.’

chapter thirty-nine

Claudia and I make it back to the festival grounds with minutes to spare. We cut through a Waterstones pop-up bookshop that has been set up by the entrance of McEwan Hall, where Elliot, who had nearly cried in relief when I called him to say I’d found Claudia, is anxiously waiting for us.

‘She’s here!’ I sing out to him.

His face lights up with the biggest smile. The sight of it makes everything around me seem to move in slow motion as Elliot pulls open the door that leads backstage, motioning for us to hurry up and get inside.

Before entering the green room, Claudia turns briefly towards me. ‘Thank you,’ she says calmly, despite the frantic energy of Moira, who has appeared at the threshold to take her onstage.

I give Claudia a supportive nod, and she disappears inside. Elliot shuts the door behind her, before breaking into hysterical laughter.

‘How did you get her to come back?’ he asks, when the nervous laughter subsides.

‘I just asked her to follow her heart.’

Elliot runs his hands through his hair, continuing to laugh in relief.