Page 60 of Roses & Ruin

Unmistakably carved into the wood is a simple heart surrounding H + R.

“This was our spot,” Hayden whispers in the dark. “Yours and mine.” I scrabble back up above the table, shocked at the jealous surge in my throat.

Nothing about this feels like mine. It was yours and some other Rose’s.

What the hell. Who gets jealous of…themselves? Hayden slowly sits up straight, eyeing me curiously. But he doesn’t say anything. What can either of us say? This is unprecedented, messy, heartbreaking, beautiful.

A week ago, I was wondering if I should switch my major, imagining what it would be like for Hayden to take me to the nearest Barnes & Noble, holding his hand in the aisles, the rattle of iced coffee.

Of course I’m handling this all so poorly.

The waiter brings us our drinks, setting a glass of red wine in front of me. I take a tentative sip, and my eyes get big. I take a bigger sip.

“Oh, wow,” I breathe. “I think I just found my favorite drink.” Hayden’s eyes gleam, the corner of one side of his mouth twitching. “How did you—”

I cut myself off abruptly, looking down into the wine. I swirl the glass, watching the dark liquid turn transparent as it slides down the sides of the curved glass. Hayden sets down his drink, his eyes trained on my face.

“What’s wrong?”

“You know what I just realized?” I say, the edge in my voice back. “Remember the night of Autumn Fest? You lied to me. Because you never answered my questions in the courtyard.” Hayden’s face breaks into a smirk. He takes a sip of his whiskey.

“I didn’t lie,” he says. “I chose my words carefully.” He’s teasing me, the smug set of his sculpted jaw so, so sexy.

I drop my eyes down to the malbec. I take another sip, just to be sure, and my eyes fall shut. Oh yeah. This is definitely my favorite drink, there’s no mistaking it. It’s already making my skin pleasantly warm and sensitive. I swirl the glass at my mouth, feeling light-headed. Dizzy.

Wow. Turns out I have, like, no tolerance.

“Hey, easy on that.” Hayden’s eyes flare with concern. “You…tend to be kind of a lightweight.”

I set my glass down hard on the table.

“Okay, see?” I snap. “This—this is unfair.”

Hayden goes still, his expression shadowing. He sets his glass down carefully, tracing the smooth rim with his middle finger.

“Thought we already established that,” he rumbles. “Yeah. It’s all unfair.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I’m talking specifically about the fact that you know me, like, eleven times over, and I don’t know anything about you. You’re so guarded, but she…me…I?” I bury my face in my hands, let out an exasperated growl. “Hayden, this is so messed up. I’m— It’s so weird to be jealous of me. I wish…I wish that I…” I drop my hands. Hayden’s blinking at me, caught off guard. “I wish I were her, Hayden.”

“Who?” he frowns, confused.

“Any of them. Me. Any of the mes.”

“How many times do I have to—” Hayden scrubs a hand across his jaw. “You are her. She is you.”

“I don’t know your birthday.” My quiet voice freezes Hayden. “She does. I don’t know your favorite song. She does. Whether you whistle. If you pick up a penny if it’s heads up. Your mother’s name. I don’t know any of it.” I tilt my head back, so, so sick of shedding tears in front of him. “She does, Hayden. She knows the tiny things. The most important things. And you won’t even answer a few questions for me…I—”

Hayden’s mouth is immediately pressing against my ear. He’s crowding against me, suddenly needy, the cold barrier of his grief gone.

“Ask me again,” he says in a harsh whisper. It shocks electric through me, and I have to close my eyes against the wave of yearning that rises in me. “Go on. Do you remember your questions?”

Of course I do.

“What’s your favorite memory?”

“It is always changing.” Hayden drags his lips along the shell of my ear. “But right now, I think it’s from that night in the library courtyard, the moment you realized you had torn a hole in Delia’s dress.” He pauses. “You couldn’t have cared less about the bruise on your elbow.”

“When…” I say, breathless. “When was the last time you cried?”