Page 62 of Library of Forbidden Books

Eight or nine days after his release, he was far from recovered, but he could at least walk a few yards on his own. That was all Blaz needed to pack up the belongings they cared most about and return to East Prussia. Derek knew it was the safest choice for his family, but he was in sheer panic at leaving without Helene. In desperation, he wrote a letter addressed to Lena, being as vague as possible and cloaking all the information. He hoped Lena could read between the lines and get Helene to him in Königsberg.

Derek was free and together with his children again. But the other half of his soul was missing. He felt that destiny was delivering a blow he could not endure, but he had to keep going for his children. They needed him now more than ever.

Helene had nearly lost all hope of ever seeing Derek alive again. She had continued to call Alexander and Matilde daily and visit three or four times a week, but one day the phone lines went dead after a nearby explosion. She had nearly run out of gas, and there was none to be found for typical civilians in the city. She had enough for one more round trip to her in-laws’ house and had planned to go that day in early November, but then the route out of Grunewald was blocked by debris from a recent air raid. She thought about walking, but for many miles she would be an easy target both for the Nazis looking for her and for the bombs from above.

It took nearly two weeks for the road to get cleared. During all that time, Helene had no way to communicate with Gisela. She poured her frustration into reorganizing and cataloging the books in every square inch of Lena’s family’s summer home.

She had been too long without Alexander and Matilde. She had decided that on this trip, they would be coming back with her, no matter what Blaz said. The house in the middle of the forest would be much safer than anywhere in Berlin. Finally, the road was clear, and Helene made it to her in-laws’ house.

She knocked and knocked, but no one came to the door. Eventually, a neighbor came outside. Exasperated, the woman said, “They’re not there anymore. The von Sholtzes left Berlin a few days ago. It’s what we all should do, if we’re smart. This city’s no longer safe.”

Helene froze in place. Involuntarily, she gagged. Her body started shaking uncontrollably, and she vomited everything she had eaten in the last twenty-four hours.

“What in the world . . . ?” the neighbor said, disgusted.

Helene managed to straighten up and ran back to her car. Later, she had no recollection of driving to Lena’s house. Apparently she fainted at the doorstep, and they brought her in and put her to bed, where she stayed for several days. They could see no sign of injury, and she did not seem sick, but they let her rest. When she woke up, Helene refused to eat and would hardly speak. She could not get out the words to tell Lena what had happened. She just wanted to die.

Lena did what she could to care for Helene, but she could tell that her friend’s death wish was serious.

One morning, Lena said, “Helene, you can’t give up. One day you’ll find Derek and Alexander and Matilde. This war will be over. There’s got to be some reason for all of this, some greater meaning. There’s no way we’re born only to suffer. It’s as sure as how dawn always comes after the darkest night. Remember St. John of the Cross’s poem, ‘The Dark Night of the Soul’?” Lena knew Helene loved the Spanish mystic and began to recite:

In a dark night,

With anxious love inflamed,

O, happy lot!

Forth unobserved I went,

My house being now at rest.

In darkness and in safety,

By the secret ladder, disguised,

O, happy lot!

In darkness and concealment,

My house being now at rest.

In that happy night,

In secret, seen of none,

Seeing nought myself,

Without other light or guide

Save that which in my heart was burning.

That light guided me

More surely than the noonday sun

To the place where He was waiting for me,

Whom I knew well,