Page 84 of Kiss Slay Replay

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Enlighten me, then.”

Even amid all this horror and carnage, here we are falling back into the same shitty dynamic that ended us. I kick off my heels. “You’re so angry with me.”

“This isn’t…” He huffs. “This isn’t about that.”

“You won’t even look at me.”

“I’m looking at you right now.”

“Yeah, because I’m standing right here, but you wouldn’t last time. Or the time before that. And you scoffed when I introduced you to Danny as my friend.”

His mouth falls open. “What?”

“This is the third time I’m living today, Ravi. I’ve lived it twice before. And both times, you gave me the cold shoulder. And I died. Both times. Dead and dead.” Why hold back? Either I die, gone for good, or I die and get a do-over. What risk is there in being honest, in laying it all out?

He takes off his jacket and mops the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve. “Are you feeling okay? Did you…”

He leans forward in the chair, narrowing his eyes at me.

“I didn’t get infected, if that’s what you’re asking,” I tell him. “Not yet.”

“What are you saying? You’re not making any sense.”

“None of this makes sense.” I put my back to the wall and slide down to the floor. “There are zombies. There are fucking ghouls with evil ravens and slasher psychopaths. And today. Today over and over and over again. And you. You, Ravi. Every time. Just walking around. Out there. Right in front of me. I see you. But you won’t see me. Did you ever?”

“Stop.”

“You hold it against me, you blame me. And yeah, the timing was awful, and yeah, maybe I should have said something sooner, but I just, I didn’t know how. It’s like today. I wanted to find a way to save it, I did, but, but why does it all fall on me?”

He’s quiet.

“It’s fine if you think I’m crazy,” I say, hugging my knees to my chest. “I might be. I might have lost my mind. Broken my brain.”

He drops from the chair to the floor so he can be closer to me, so he can look me in the eye. “What do you want from me, Willa? Do you even know?”

“I…I want…”

He laughs. “That’s what I thought.”

“I don’t want you to resent me. It’s not fair. It wasn’t working and you know it. I made the hard decision, and now I’m the one being punished.”

“No one’s punishing you.”

“What would you have had me do? Just keep going through the motions? Our hearts weren’t in it anymore.”

He shifts closer. I can taste his breath, a faint hint of his favorite spearmint gum. “Don’t speak for me. You checked out. You gave up. You weren’t willing to compromise—”

“I built my entire life around you! It wasn’t enough. You know what, you want to blame me? Make me the bad guy, play the hero, fine. Let the narrative be that I left you at the altar. Whatever you need to tell yourself to live with it.”

As he trips over his response, something compels me to reach out and touch him, push his hair out of his face. I can still map every freckle, but the way he’s looking at me, there’s no recognition. It’s like we’ve never even met.

I fell in love and surrendered to its current, and it took me someplace else, and I opened my eyes one day not knowing where I was or who I was or how I got there. And it terrified me. It still terrifies me. Am I doomed to repeat the same patterns of behavior? Delude myself into thinking that love will save me, only to end up right back where I am now, staring into a void, waiting for it to say my name?

5

Ravi stands, turns his back to me. “This isn’t the right time to have this conversation. There’s…whatever is happening out there. Our friends are in danger. Tanya is…”